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Marry/Date/Friend: Jennifer Lopez vs Salma Hayek vs Sofia Vergara

11.16.2016by: Cherry Liquor

I've gotten a lot of things wrong recently, although it certainly was less painful for my biggest error to be assuming that people might feel the same way that I do about Victoria Justice. The former Nickelodeon darling won your hearts completely, being the easily and most prevalent choice for who to date when teaming her up with the other young Latinas making noise these days. Demi Lovato wasn't one to be passed up in the dating department, as the vast majority agreed that her kind of crazy was tolerable on the short term. As for Selena Gomez, there was only one other person who felt she was marriage material besides myself, with most of you figuring she's an Untouchable after her romance with The Dweebz.

Now that the younger ladies are squared away, I think I might have found the most solid matchup for the mature Latinas, centered around their longevity in the business and those hot, hot, curves that they all have in common. Will this be easy or will it be on an entirely different plane of caliente?

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Sofia Vergara


Sense of Humour - We girls aren't lying when we say that a sense of humour is super high on our list. Sure, we need to have at least a little physical attraction for that funnybone to jingle extra hard, but when it comes to making us laugh, that's hot. And Sofia makes me laugh. The fact that she's good with poking fun at her own image is a huge turn-on.

Patient - You might not think that this is a trait of many Latinas but consider the fact that it took Sofia awhile to get adjusted to what Hollywood wanted out of her and you have to appreciate the patience with which she attacked her career. It wasn't until the age of 37 that Vergara landed Modern Family and she put up with a lot of shitty roles until breaking out. That kind of patience works well in a long term relationship too.

The Body - Looking through all of the images for these three women made me realize that other than a few photoshoots, Sofia is actually the babe who's shown the least amount of skin. She might bust out some major cleavage on the red carpet, but for the most part, she keeps her goodies under wraps until she wants to share them with her special person.


The Voice - When she's laying it on thick, that Colombian accent can grate. No one wants to endure a lecture during a heated argument when that's what's yelling back at them.

Sterotyping - Vergara gets paid a lot of money to play into those stereotypes about Latina women. While it's great money to bank on, it must suck to have to endure for all of the simple minded people who expect it out of her on the daily.

Career Limitations - This goes a bit hand-in-hand with the stereotyping. Once the boobs start to sag and the appeal of the hot Latina temperamental wife roles go to the next pretty face, where does Sofia go from there?


 I believe that if she invests her money right and looks into some ventures that don't have to do with her looks, the long-term successful bet would be to wed Sofia Vergara. She looks like a great partner in crime, has a sense of humour about herself and others, is deeply loyal to her son (great parenting skills are getting rarer these days and should be recognized) and her flaws are few and easy to deal with.

Salma Hayek


That ageless, amazing body - For a petite, short women in her 50s (OK, OK, so she just turned 50 this year), that body really hasn't changed much since she broke out in the '90's. If anything the boobs are bigger and the curves are more exaggerated.

Versatile & Diverse - Hayek hasn't been satisfied with simply being that hot Latina piece of ass in movies. She's branched out into producing, directing and writing, all of which are keeping her highly employable, as well as deliciously powerful. Her work ethic is amazing and her ability to bring together great characters is inspiring.

Financially Secure - Putting aside the money she has tied up with her marriage to that billionaire French dude, Salma has about $85 million in her own personal kitty. That's a nice chunk of change to be throwing around.


High Maintenance in Disguise - I'm of the belief that Salma falls into what Harry referred to as the worst kind of woman, the one who is high maintenance but believes she's low maintenance. Otherwise, when she finally did have a kid and tie the knot, why was it with a billionaire?

Workaholic - I applaud how hard Hayek has worked over the years to get her name to mean something more than the big-boobed vampire stripper that put FROM DUSK TILL DAWN on the movie classics books. However, all of the jet-setting is going to cut into your personal time with her. Even the billionaire strayed for a bit in between fathering her child and eventually marrying her.

The Company She Keeps - I'm not saying that Salma should be judged on the fact that she made a movie with Adam Sandler (post-PUNCH DRUNK LOVE). I'm saying she should be judged on making TWO movies with Adam Sandler.


I love how open-minded, worldly and funny Salma Hayek is. I'm perplexed by some of her career choices and the disassociation she has from where she came from now that she's married to a billionaire (look up those quotes about her referring to the personal family chef having to make two dinners because her daughter didn't want to eat something!) but dammit, she's still fine as hell and a few tumbles just can't be passed up.

Jennifer Lopez


Fit & Fabulous - For someone who just turned 47, Jennifer still looks as tight as she did (perhaps even moreso) during her days as an In Living Color. Sure, a lot of it is assisted by expensive shit that no other regular human could afford, but there's still a lot of hard work going on on JLo's part.

Career Diversity - You can make fun of the fact that Lopez is far more raunchy with her stage performances as a mature woman than she ever was coming up, when most other ladies engage in such butt-baring nonsense, but the fact that she can easily slide from acting to singing to producing to fashion management, etc, is damned impressive.

Famous Friends & Lotsa Dough - Being around Jennifer Lopez means you have an all-access pass to be around pretty much anyone, from Hollywood to sports to high profile news figures. If you want it and you're with her, there are pretty much zero limitations. Plus, the money. Oh, that $340 mil and growing...


High Maintenance - She's a pain and she doesn't even try to hide it or play pretend with herself that she's not. Jennifer knows she likes things just so and always her way.

Emotionally Needy - What other way is there to describe a woman who jumps from relationship to relationship even when she's one of the highest-profile celebrities out there making oodles of cash? She's been married 3 times, had a couple more close calls with Puff-Diddy and Batfleck, and still seems desperate for the perfect man.

Shallow - It's one thing to be a demanding diva with a high maintenance problem, it's another to be so shallow that your default pose on the red carpet is a partially open mouth that makes you look like a hooked fish. Worse that duck lips, Jennifer can't seem to lay off that slightly agape, soulless eyed stare. Which is not only creepy, it's f*cking terrifying to think of having to be next to on the regular.


When she was first starting out, I really like Jennifer Lopez. Long before she was revealed to be the prissy prima donna that we all know her as, there was truly some grit and realism to that "Jenny from the Block," tag she pushed so hard. But all of the marriages and the airbrushed phoniness and the countless stories of temper tantrums killed that attraction for me. Sure, she's going to be around forever because there's a demon holding her soul in a jar somewhere in the underworld and she's getting her money's worth on that exchange, so I would be more than happy to ride the bitch seat if it meant first-class upgrades. Not for long, but just enough for a taste.

Now, let's hear your choices!

Source: IMDB


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