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Marry/Date/Friend: January Jones vs Megan Fox vs Paula Patton

02.08.2017by: Cherry Liquor

I don't know if I'm more surprised or flattered that so many of you agreed with me on the last Marry/Date/Friend, ranking Katheryn Winnick as your top pick for wife, Eliza Dushku for your girlfriend and Lena Headey for your buddy. There were a few who thought that Dushku was more friend material and Lena more dateable and only one who would have preferred being married to Buffy's replacement but for the most part, I win! I win! Suck it, Patriots!

Although Valentine's Day doesn't happen until Tuesday of next week, this is the weekend for those kinds of movies, with the raunchy but terribly executed sexcapades of Dakota Johnson going against the counter-programming of the animated plastic figurines and that other wooden figure, Keanu Reeves, in JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2. I've always thought Ted was a hottie and has his moments with the right material but the vast consensus is that he can't act. So how about 3 actresses known for being beautiful but lacking the talent they're supposed to be banking on.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Megan Fox


Loyal - You can complain about a lot of things when it comes to Megan Fox but the one thing that you'd have trouble arguing is that she's flaky when it comes to her personal life. Fox has been with husband Brian Austin Green since 2005, a f*cking lifetime in the world of Hollywood. Hell, they even managed to make it work and reunite after a separation in 2015, going on to have a third child together.

Resilient - Famously fired from the third TRANSFORMERS movie for talking shit about director Michael Bay and smarting from box office bombs in between, Megan managed to keep her shit together and soldier on, picking up smaller roles (she's actually somewhat good in THIS IS 40) to maintain her presence before making nice with Bay and coming back as April O'Neil in Bay's TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES flicks. Not to mention - have you seen how well she bounces back after growing human beings inside of her?

Low-Key - For all of the fuss around her during the time when people were chanting the "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" mantra post-"Bay is Hitler" comments, you really don't see a whole lot of Megan out partying or doing stupid shit in front of the paparazzi's lenses. I can appreciate someone who keeps their business their business.


Plastic Surgery - I don't know for sure what she did, you don't know for sure what she did but dammit, she did a whole lot of something that changed her look from the girl we met leaning seductively over Bumblebee's engine. And while the work seems to film just fine (she looked good in both TMNT movies), when she's posing casually, she looks like something they'd throw out at Madame Tussauds.

Difficult Reputation - I get the feeling that Fox isn't a diva in her private circle but someone who is difficult to work with on the job site is someone who doesn't make a lot of friends and might have trouble getting more work in the future. Plus, having to listen to everyone bitch about how awful your special lady is can really suck the life out of you.

Those Toe Thumbs - This is petty but Ew. I have always tried to forget that Megan's paws have those weird clubbed thumbs but when I see them, I get a bit creeped out. I know, I'm a horrible person.


 If she had been partnered up with anyone other than the three ladies here in this column, I don't know if I would be saying that Megan Fox is marriage material, but here we are. The more I think about it, she really does have a lot of attributes that I consider long-term goals when finding a partner, so who knows? She might just pull ahead of quite a few others.

Paula Patton


Shiny Happy Person - I love that Paula has always been a shining ray of light on red carpets, smiling when others were trying to keep their faces still, laughing while others pouted and posed. That kind of peppiness might wear on me over time, but Patton has a genuineness to her that is severely lacking in so many others.

Loyal - I say this a lot but I like someone who sticks it out with you (because I'm that kinda person too) and when you consider that Patton met her now-ex-husband Robin Thicke in high school and stayed with him from 1993 until 2015, when the tougher decision to walk away from his addiction demons was the better decision, you have to give her props for being a ride-or-die lady.

Educated - She might not be the sharpest acting tool in the box but Paula has done her homework, having graduated from the University of Southern California (go Trojans!) Film School after a brief stint at Berkeley. I love them smart, yes I do.


Party Girl - There isn't a huge spotlight on it but I noticed that when Kate Beckinsale first stepped out after her divorce, it was Paula who was dragging her along for the girl nights. Something tells me there are a lot of empty wine bottles in her trash bin.

Ditzy - For someone who is college educated with two college educated parents, Paula really comes off as a bit of a ditz when she's interviewed. That playfulness might be a put-on, but the willfully dumbness gets real annoying, real fast.

Personal Life Drama - Not only would it be a bit awkward to be with a woman who has only been with one dude for 22 years, there's the restraining order stuff going on against Thicke regarding domestic violence. Some women are like burning dogs - you want to comfort them but it'll only hurt you in the process.


I like a loyal woman and I love a happy, animated personality that lifts you up instead of drags you down. I think the "I'm free now!" sex would be amazing, even if the relationship would be fleeting.

January Jones


Hush Hush - The one secret that people keep coming back to when the news day is slow confronts the question of who the father of January's 6-year old son is. There are some juicy suspects but the actress refuses to give it up and no one else is claiming responsibility. It might sound creepy, but I respect that she's chosen to raise her child without help or drama.

Mad Men Connections - By the time that I finally got around to watching the critically acclaimed AMC series, it was a couple years after it wrapped and I sucked that whole thing in in under 2 weeks. (Sure, some of you can binge in days but this woman has got work.) I love the idea of being connected to someone who would get me in the company of Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss at the same time. Sure, they'd hate me for asking them to be Don & Peggy for me, but DON AND PEGGY. OMG.

Low Key - The few times that I've seen the paps capture Jones in their sights, she's been doing grocery runs at Whole Foods or frivolous pillow sprees at Target. There's a charm to a celebrity who isn't all flash & dazzle until the flash & dazzle is needed for job requirements.


On-Set Diva - There have been stories regarding January's poor treatment of extras, crew and that weird interaction with Zach Galifianakis. Only those personally involved know how true those rumours are but considering how pervasive they've been over the course of Jones' career and the lack of ongoing work she's had since Mad Men wrapped, there is probably more than a shred of truth to them.

Pumpkin Eater - I suppose you can argue that January wasn't the cheater when she got involved with a couple of different married men (someone edited her IMDB to claim that her X-MEN: FIRST CLASS director, Matthew Vaughn, is the father of her kid even though it's never been confirmed - Vaughn is & was married at the time to model Claudia Schiffer - and then there's the Bobby Flay thing - she was caught doing the walk of shame from Bobby's house during the time that he was married to actress Stephanie March) but it's still pretty icky.

Dim Bulb - I have never once gotten the impression that January Jones is very intelligent. While she's certainly beautiful, I don't want to think of how boring she was be outside of the carnal.


I don't know if I would really want to have January Jones as a friend, what with the concern that she might try to screw my dude and get pregnant by him. I also don't think I would want more than a booty call from her if I were a dude. Honestly, I question why I put her in this match-up outside of the fact that she fit the beautiful-but-untalented quota.

Now, let's hear your choices!

Source: IMDB


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