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Marry/Date/Friend: Amy Adams vs Bryce Dallas Howard vs Jessica Chastain

10.19.2016by: Cherry Liquor

Well, wasn't I more than a bit surprised when the majority of you didn't want to play when it came to the model match-up last week of Charlotte McKinney, Emily Ratajkowski and Gigi Hadid. I'm not going to tear you apart for not choosing if you really feel as if you don't know the girls but it felt like trying to play that more violent version of this game with my mom, who always exclaims, "Why would I want to kill anyone?" (And yet I notice she usually has no issue with the fornication. Way to go, mom.) So this week I'm sticking to those you are more familiar with, but I'm going to make it much, much harder - the top redheads around right now. Well, 3 of them, at least.

Perhaps the monster you know is better than the one you don't, but I'm thinking that you're going to be feeling a little more than flummoxed with decision making this week.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Amy Adams


Versatility - The way that Amy Adams can easily flow from a bubbly character like Giselle, surrounded by cute forest animals while singing cute little working songs to a sexy money-hungry '70's disco sex pot is enough to convince me that being with her would mean never being bored.

Sense of Humour - From interviews to performances, Adams always demonstrates that she know exactly how seriously to take herself and that she can roll with the goofball humour no matter who she's surrounded by. Shit, the very fact that she's tough enough to work with the notoriously difficult David O Russell means she has a good grasp of learning to laugh the bad stuff off.

Financially Comfortable - While she still might not be pulling in the numbers that her AMERICAN HUSTLE co-star, Jennifer Lawrence, can now command, Adams has a net worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million, which means those high paying gigs can allow her the freedom to take on the good indie stuff.


Too Bubbly - I love that she can sing & dance in a manner more animated than a Nickelodeon cartoon character but I'm guessing that it would be hard to win a fight against someone who is so sweetly likable.

Workaholic - Adams has been in high demand for the past 10 years or so, putting out several movies every year, which might mean little one-on-one time with her to yourself.

DC Universe - Whether you love or hate the latest set of Superman movies, the fact is that Amy is locked into the universe as Lois Lane and for those of us who might not prefer to have to do promotional duty for every DC movie for the next 10 years, this is a major drawback.


 I decided against putting Isla Fisher in here this week because she's already been featured in Face/Off and Hot or Not, but obviously she would have been my choice to marry because, well, DUH. However, when it comes to another redhead with talent, beauty, intelligence and grace, you really can't do wrong with Amy.

Jessica Chastain


Maturity - I love that Jessica didn't start really hitting it big until she was in her 30's. In 2011, when Jessica went from a minor player to a multi-big-picture movie maven at the age of 34, you knew she traveled the road and really paid her dues, which would strip her of any of that bullshit that sinks into a celebrity's personality when fame comes on too young.

Intelligent - Instead of going out into the world of acting and scratching to get a foothold, Chastain attended Juilliard and studied her craft, working on everythign from dance to Shakespeare. All of that dedication shows up when she speaks in interviews, which are amazingly devoid of those brainless off-the-cuff remarks that some actors make.

Financial Stability - At a $12 million net worth, Jessica certainly has less in the bank than many of her contemporaries. Still isn't loose change, either.


Vegan - Jessica grew up a vegan because her mother was a vegan chef who had a food truck, so this isn't just a dietary shortcut for her, it's what she lives by. And as I've said in the past, vegan cheese isn't cheese and mama can't live without her cow pus, dammit.

Rising Star - Even though she's had a very eventful past 5 years in her career, one could consider that Chastain is still on her way up, rather than at her peak, which only means that she's going to have a lot of work obligations if she wants to maintain momentum and that might mean less time for you.

Hippie-Dippie - It's not just the veganism that Jessica is into - she's also a hardcore yoga disciple, plays the ukulele and has admitted that she never really watches television. All of which might be turn-ons for some but for others who consider polishing off a bag of potato chips and bingeing on NetFlix for 48 hours straight a major workout, her clean living lifestyle might not jive.


I think it I could manage to drink soy milk and nosh on raw veggies while taking walks in the woods and discussing Chaucer if it meant getting to cuddle up to Jessica's long, lean, gorgeous self. Sure, it wouldn't last long, but it would be fun while it did.

Bryce Dallas Howard


Hollywood Royalty - While I've heard Droz complain about the narcissism that comes with the entertainment industry, being on the winning side of the game would be awesome, especially if it meant getting to hear all of those awesome old school stories from Bryce's pops, Opie Cunningham.

Voluptuous - I will never understand why there are people who complain about a beautiful woman like BDH gaining a little weight from time to time. She's one of those lucky ones who gets those pounds in all the right places (imagine grabbing onto those hips!) while still maintaining the same gorgeous face and honestly, those plumper curves mean she's never going to bitch at you for having a second bowl of ice cream or helping of mashed potatoes (or whatever you prefer).

Famous but Stable - Yes, her family has a long standing in the entertainment industry, which means that she's been exposed to a world you can't even dream of. But because her parents raised her away from the limelight and allowed her the freedom to decide for herself if she wanted to capitalize on that foot in the door, it means that she's not a snotty little shit like some.


Fluctuating Fitness - Bryce seems to go from relaxing and enjoying herself in between roles to working out hard to get a desired physical effect for a role. Anyone who's ever had a relationship with someone constantly yo-yoing knows that this can wreak havoc on their loved one's day-to-day attitude.

Fair skinned - While pale skin has been a sign of wealth over the years (not having to slave out sun like the lower classes often do), it can also mean a higher chance of skin cancer and other nasty little side effects.

Vegan - Same as Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard is a devout vegan, having become so after hanging out with nutty Joaquin Phoenix and learning of the horrible ways we cultivate that yummy, yummy, animal meat the rest of the world salivates for. Kissing up to BDH means never having "normal" food ever again.


The only thing that really knocks Bryce out of the running for a long-term partner is that pesky no-animals, no-animal-products thing. I need cheese, real cheese. I could give up the meat, I could give up the gelato (milk & eggs, bitch!) but asking me to not eat real cheese is like saying I can no longer use my right hand to masturbate. It's doable, but not exactly as pleasurable as going with what's dominant. And while I could easily see BDH as a dating partner, the fact that she's so well connected makes me want her as a friend for life instead of a temporary scratching post.

Now, let's hear your choices!

Source: IMDB


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