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Marry/Date/Friend: Jennifer Garner vs Julianne Moore vs Heidi Klum

03.07.2018by: Cherry Liquor

When we last tangoed with the marry, date, friend conundrum, we were looking at three women who all manage to be sexy & funny. I was actually a bit surprised to discover that the majority of you agreed with me and thought Gillian Jacobs was the marriage material, save for the one person who wanted to put a ring on Olivia Munn, who actually tied with Malin Akerman in terms of the other options.

To put a literal spin on A WRINKLE IN TIME, I figured this time we could take a look at three women who are just starting to wrinkle themselves, while maintaining their ongoing levels of hotness.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Jennifer Garner


Those Dimples - There are a lot of physical features that I appreciate about Jen but it has to be her easy-to-smile nature that brings out her mutant gene and puts those dimples on display. I melt like butter every time.

Surprising - Even though Garner manages to be considered one of the sweetest celebs around, there is a crunchy coolness to how she tackles some roles that are unsavory in comparison to her real life personality. From a bitchy overachiever in BUTTER to her surprisingly strong action hero vibe, Garner is full of surprises.

Loyal - It's still unfathomable to me why Ben Affleck would need to step out on a beautiful, fit woman like Jen other than the fact that he could. She's stuck by him and minimized the drama that hovers around couples who break up while their children are still young, refusing to dish dirty details or turn their breakup into an opportunity to cash in and I love her for that.


Family Time - It's awesome that Garner has kept her family together and any potential drama out of the spotlight but her transition into family films is more disappointing, especially considering how good she is playing against type.

No Sleeping In on Sundays - Since appearing in 2016's MIRACLES FROM HEAVEN, Jen has started attending church on a regular basis. In the immortal words of Amy Farrah Fowler, "I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance." Mornings are for coffee and contemplation. Solitary contemplation.

Bat-fleck - I want to like Ben Affleck. I think at one point, I might have felt feelings that weren't... conflicted. But there's something unsettling about the dude and since Jen has been so good at holding their shit together, it means that he'd always been quietly lurking in the corner of any get-together you had with her. Tell me that wouldn't creep you out.


 Jennifer Garner manages to look like an angel while hinting that she has her devilish side simmering under the surface for you to find. She's smart, kind, dedicated, aging incredibly and those legs of hers are insane. I'd never make Ben's mistake if I got a shot with her.

Heidi Klum


Freaky Flag Bearer - Heidi has commented about being raised open-minded when it comes to nudity, has been photographed on yachts sunbathing topless, doesn't stop to even ponder if she should give a shit what people think when she dresses wild on Halloween... everything about her screams fun.

Womb of Steel - Klum has popped out 4 kids, nearly back-to-back. Each time she's rebounded faster than The Flash, proving that she just might be one of the only female humans who can birth a bunch of chit'lins and not have it put a dent in her hotness.

Model Mogul - In case you get worried that her modeling physique won't hold up forever, take comfort in the fact that Klum knows how to sell herself in a multitude of ways, putting her net worth at nearly $70 million.


Fashion Nuttiness - I know that as a model, Heidi is bound to be around other people in the fashion industry and while her being a fun freaky chick is awesome, I imagine the coven of friends might verge on the totally obnoxious side. (I apologize to my baby sister, who loves all those dress making weirdos.)

The Dicks That Came Before - Klum admits that she was initially attracted to her former husband because she could see the outline of his dick when he was wearing Spandex bike shorts. So you better come packing or practice your cunning linguist skills to keep her satisfied.

Yodeling - I actually scrambling for a third negative and the best that I can come up with is the yodeling thing that Germans supposedly do. While I recall her engaging in this on Spin City, I don't think I've heard it otherwise, so make up your own drawback.


Heidi Klum is fun as hell and I thought long and hard about putting her in the friends-only category because she's definitely someone I could see being a blast to buddy up with. But she's multilingual, which is super hot and of course, that body. Even if it was fleeting, I'd kick myself in the afterlife if I passed up the sex.

Julianne Moore


Freckle Faced Strawberry - Love those redheads. Not just for the basest of reasons but because they never fail to be feisty and I dig feisty.

Eternal Sex Appeal - I'd always considered Moore to be exceptionally sexy, even when she claimed that she couldn't get hired for those types of roles. What really sold me on that sexiness, though? When she plausibly played JGL's love interest in DON JON. Zero awkwardness. I wanted her to give me a bath too.

Free the Nipple - Moore has always managed to wield her nakedness in movies like a powerful weapon. There's something aggressive about the way she's dropped trou (literally in 1993's SHORT CUTS, where she went bush wild) in the best way.


Freckle Faced Strawberry - While Julianne certainly doesn't look as worse for wear as most 57-year old redheads, she's still working against natural genetics when it comes to aging. It's probably why the most youthful redheads are the ones bottled and not born into it.

Bunny Bite - Am I the only one who gets distracted by Julianne's slight overbite? I don't know why but there's something about it that makes me question just how appealing it would be to make out with her.

Army Brat - Moore's dad was an Army colonel & military judge, which means that she was raised in a fairly strict environment and probably maintains some of that discipline to this day. I'm not one to live well by those rules, naughty little civilian that I am.


Julianne Moore is hot as hell, fun, smart, has a great resume that features just about every interesting person in Hollywood that you'd ever want to meet. If I couldn't be married to her, I still would want to have her in my life on the regular, so friends it is.

Now, let's hear your choices!


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