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Marry/Date/Friend: Hilary Swank vs Naomi Watts vs Natalie Portman

05.16.2018by: Cherry Liquor

Last time around, I had Allison Williams, Julianne Hough and Vanessa Hudgens up for grabs and while there were a couple of you who agreed with me, more found Williams date material and Hough friend material. One thing for sure, Hudgens was by far the wifey we all wanted (we are a very smart lot of people).

With DEADPOOL 2 sure to take the box office & next week's SOLO sure to be wriggling in its franchise boots to dethrone the man in red & black, I thought we could take a look at a few long time favorites.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Naomi Watts

Pros:

Low Key A Lister - At this point, everyone knows who Watts is. After all, she's appeared in everything from critically acclaimed indies to big budget blockbusters, in all shapes & sizes. Yet you will rarely hear a peep about her personal life, nearly unheard of in today's social media blasting of celebrities.

Loyal - I can't say that I'd necessarily choose to be Nicole Kidman's friend now but if I'd grown up with her in the industry like Watts has, I'm sure I'd be able to see the qualities that are not as clear to the modern day eye. She also stuck it out for more than a decade with Liev Schreiber and he does not look like an easy dude to get along with.

DGAF Queen - You know how you have these universally beautiful women like Charlize Theron battling with the media's obsession about them "getting ugly" for a role in order to gain notice? Naomi has never really dealt with that issue, even though she's definitely someone I would consider beautiful. She just gets into a role, does everything it takes to make it successful & then slays in magazines and on the red carpet. Meanwhile, when she's spotted out with her kids, she wears comfortable clothing, no makeup & doesn't flip on the cameras, even though she's entitled to do so if she pleases.

Cons:

Photoshopped Out - I doubt that Watts sits down and tells recent magazine spreads to blur the f*ck out of her image but sadly, because she's allowing herself to age, they feel the need to change her image into something it's not.

Single Mom - Since she broke up with Schreiber in 2016, Watts has moved on to a relationship with Billy Crudup. There's something so disgustingly greasy about a dude who leaves a pregnant girlfriend to be with another woman (this happened in 2003, when he left Mary Louise Parker for co-star Claire Danes) that I don't condone Watts' poor choice here.

Fake Aussie - While Naomi rocks a Down Under accent due to her upbringing in Australia, she wasn't born there but rather raised in the country after being born in the UK. This isn't really a gripe, I guess. I just like my Aussies to be true Aussies.

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 My complaints regarding Hathaway are trivial AF, another exercise in me tickling my petty bone to have a few cons to list. Anne seems like a very cool chick you can hang out with who will f*ck you well & keep you smiling. I can dig that on the long-term.

Hilary Swank

Pros:

That Body - I go back & forth between Hilary & Lake Bell in my choice of who has the best body in Hollywood. Those long, lean legs. That natural chest. It might just be my preference but I have great preferences.

Karate Kid - I actually watched THE NEXT KARATE KID in theaters, mainly because I grew up with the series. However, it's not just that role, it's the fact that while Swank might have the badda-boom body, she's also got a ton of strength behind it, all athleticism & no soft spots from mommydom.

Best Film Debut Ever - Much like a young Ben Affleck, Hilary Swank was a bit player in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER before it got dark on TV.

Cons:

Hollywood Breakup - While she won two Oscars over the span of 5 years, Swank had bad luck in picking good projects, thus leading to this weird space where we have a talented actress that no one wants to cast. I can't hate on her too much for taking a break in 2015, when she stopped taking any roles to care for her father, who had a lung transplant. But that "break" did come after roles had already began to wane.

Oscar Curse - She famously forgot to thank her husband, Chad Lowe, when she won her first Oscar, which might be the coincidental fodder that lead to their 8-year marriage failing. She hasn't been lucky in work or love since then.

The Ears - I have heard the "man hands" and "man jaw" and all that crap about Swank that I find silly but my dumb complaint is those big jutting ears she has. That, and she kinda looks like Clea Duvall in a certain light, who might be a cool actress but also gives me goth girl creepo vibes.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

Hilary seems like a great lady off screen, from taking care of her family during medical crisis to starting a charity that helps animals. Still, she doesn't seem as if she'd have much time in her life for enduring friendships, so I'll stick to the temporary sexy times.

Natalie Portman

Pros:

Legendary Beauty - She was adorable in her younger years and has built up into this smoldering Natalie Wood slash Audrey Hepburn beauty as a more mature woman, but it cannot be denied that Portman is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

Harvard Grad - I have a lot of respect for young actors who take time off from a lucrative & high profile career to pursue education. It means that they're knowledgeable when it comes to taking on characters and have more to offer than just their good looks.

Star Wars - Even though Padme/Queen Amidala eventually succumbed to a broken heart after being such a badass in Episodes 1 & 2, being a part of the Star Wars universe is a great notch in anyone's belt.

Cons:

Black Swan Curse - Portman has always been a petite thing but ever since her time going deep into character as a ballerina in BLACK SWAN, she's become ridiculously skinny. If you look healthier when 9 months pregnant than unencumbered, someone isn't feeding you enough.

Overrated Actress - I loved her in LEON, back when the precociousness was awe-inspiring to see in a young actress, but let's get real here. Natalie has been doing the same soft-lilted voice and identical delivery for years now. I think too many people let her beauty blind her to the fact that she's wildly one-note as a performer.

No Nudity - If a role legitimately called for nudity, you wouldn't see Natalie in it, as she's claimed since 2010 that she's no longer going to do any nude scenes. What's more perplexing to me is that she considers her HOTEL CHEVALIER bit to be a nude scene. It was a cleverly COVERED nudity shot but not really nudity as widely defined.

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

Natalie Portman has a lot of clout in the industry & knows some really awesome people that I'd love to meet. She'd be a high-maintenance friend, which I'm not really good at, but I suppose I could try for at least one yacht trip to Ibiza or Cannes.

Now, let's hear your choices!

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