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Marry/Date/Friend: Gillian Jacobs vs Malin Akerman vs Olivia Munn

02.21.2018by: Cherry Liquor

It feels like forever since we debated the qualities of Dakota Johnson, Aubrey Plaza and Chloe Bennet. Y'all weren't as won over by Aubrey as I am, considering it no big deal that Chloe once rubbed naughty bits with that stupid YouTube kid. It's nice to see that you don't hold someone's past against them. Well, at least not sexual histories.

With the new movie GAME NIGHT promising to be more dirty with its R-rating than most of the stupid couples-comedies tend to be, I thought we could take a look at three women who represent the dirtier, nastier side of being a funny gal.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Gillian Jacobs

Pros:

Those Lips - There are a lot of awesome qualities that Gillian possesses but the one that stands out the most to me are those lush, plump, begging-to-be-kissed lips.

Fearless - When Gillian was first getting her start, she took on some roles that were, well, kinda sketchy. If you'd told me that the topless dancer who held my attention so well with her emotionally detached delivery in the movie CHOKE would go on to be one of my favorite ballsy sitcom actresses, I would have laughed. Just not in a good way. I love that she pushed her way through the muck to the sunlight.

Mensa Hottie - I actually don't know if she's a member of Mensa but she was accepted at both Harvard and Northwestern (and eventually went to Julliard) and she directed a documentary about mathematics professor & former Naval Admiral, Grace Hopper, who created the first compiler... yeah, she's smart little nerd and that shit is sexy.

Cons:

Hard G - You know how you pronounce "gif" with a hard G? She pronounces her name with a hard G too. Which is weird because you'd constantly be fighting your conditioning to pronounce her name the soft G way. (Shout out to my friend Gina, who also makes us flex our brains with that crazy hard G stuff.)

Love - I adore Gillian. But I hate her Netflix show. With a passion. But I blame Paul Rust for that. She does the best she can with that pasty, dull, unfunny speck of a man.

Penguins - Gillian is originally from Pittsburgh and as a devout Flyers fan, I say this will all due respect to her but F*ck the Penguins.

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 Gillian, hard G and all, is smart, funny and gorgeous. She weirdly doesn't (and has never) had anything alcoholic to drink (cheap date who orders water, right?) or taken any drugs (she once was given Oxy after a minor surgery and claims she's still holding that scrip... oh boy) but dammit, I can live with that because everything else about her is perfect.

Olivia Munn

Pros:

Bikini Body - Olivia Munn wears a lot of bikinis for photoshoots. And during her personal downtime. Because she can and because it would be a disservice to humanity if she didn't.

Connections - Munn has racked up a ton of Hollywood connections by accepting a number of roles in flashy, expensive projects just to be their pretty face. While I'd pass on Depp, I'd love it if she could introduce me to Jason Bateman.

Multi-lingual - I may come from the country where idiots scream about speaking "American," but I'm not one of them. There is something incredibly sexy about a person who can fluently speak more than one language.

Cons:

Serial Monogamist - Munn likes to be in relationships, even if relationships don't seem to agree with her. While this might be a plus to some people, I find it off-putting. Shit or get off the pot.

Fake Nerd - This notation regarding Munn has been going around for quite some time and I feel I need to stick it in here, even if I never watched her on Attack of the Show!. I did watch her occasionally on The Daily Show, but never found her funny on that.

PETA hypocrite - I don't understand the hypocritical nature of those behind PETA but I think it's worse when a celebrity wants to pose nude for one of their posters but doesn't really seem to understand basic animal rights. After appearing on one of their posters, Munn took on a job as a Carl's Jr burger girl and was seen wearing leather at her PETA signing. That comes off as incredibly dense to me.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

Super hot and kinda kinky (remember her leaked nudes that she was apparently sending to Chris Pine to try and get a high profile relationship going with him while he was making the first STAR TREK movie?) but not terribly bright (or at least doesn't really care about a cause outside of it giving her a spotlight), I think Olivia Munn would be good for a few tumbles but definitely not any conversations.

Malin Akerman

Pros:

Nude-y Patooty - This lady has absolutely no problem getting nude for a role and she looks confident and comfortable doing it, which speaks volumes towards her open-minded nature. I like!

Megawatt Smile - One of the easiest ways to worm your way into my cold, black, godless heart is to have that kind of smile that lights up a room and makes you feel all warm & tingly on the inside. Malin has one of my favorite smiles in all of Hollywood.

Sunny Side Up - Every single person I've ever seen talk about Malin has had nothing but glowing praise to give. She's apparently as sweet of a person on the inside as her smile is on the outside.

Cons:

Unfunny Funny - I think Malin is extremely funny and appreciate how she manages to keep a straight face while delivering some truly f*cked up dialog sometimes. However, she sure does manage to end up in a lot of wholly unfunny projects, which makes all her effort feel wasted.

She's With the Band - I honestly don't know how good of singer she is but the fact that Akerman married the drummer of the band she's been in doesn't sit right with me. This might only make sense to those of you who are either in or have been in a band or know people who have tried having relationships with their bandmates.

Divorced? - I went looking for an actual divorce date and couldn't come up with one, which is a bummer, since according to an interview Tom Arnold did back in late 2014, Malin apparently in on the hook for alimony, since her ex doesn't make as much money as she does. The dude filed for divorce only 4 months after their son was born (even though they'd been together for 10 years prior to that). So, yuck. Not because of Malin but because of the baggage of having that dude around brings on.

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

I'm not saying that Malin Akerman isn't a chick I'd love to put a ring on, seeing as how she's beautiful and funny and so rosy-cheeked with goodness, but holy shit does her personal life seem to suggest that she forgives even the fools. That's awesome in a friend, but would cause me to rip all of my hair out if I was in a relationship with her.

Now, let's hear your choices!

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