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Marry/Date/Friend: Eva Mendes vs Halle Berry vs Isla Fisher

09.20.2017by: Cherry Liquor

The last time we hit up the Marry/Date/Friend argument (because these are all lovely ladies and we don't want to kill any of them, so forgive us for not having homicidal tendencies), I felt as if we had a solid matchup between 3 worthy contenders for your varying degrees of affection. I just felt a little bit stronger about Danielle than the rest of you, who would have friended her and married Lacey instead. Laura might be a Scientologist vegan but she was roundly determined to be dating (hence, lots of f*cking, we just don't need to say it because those of us who can get dates know what dating means) material.

This next lot of ladies isn't really as well connected in theme as matches I've done in the past. But they're all super sexy, so I wanted to see how much internal struggle you'll go through over them.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Isla Fisher

Pros:

Wickedly Funny - We all have that perception that redheads are feisty and with Isla, it's kicked up a notch. While you would figure her to be this demure little thing, she's so boldly funny that she takes up entire scenes when she's in them, even with simply delivered lines about tacos vs grilled cheese.

Roll With It Attitude - You have to be a fairly tough number to be married to the guy who came up with Borat, Ali G and that horrific elephant sex scene. Especially if you're OK with going home & making a bunch of kids with him.

Smart & Resourceful - Remember when her hubby brought Ali G back - briefly - with an appearance at the 2016 Oscars? The producers had told the actor not to do it, so Isla helped with the prank, sneaking in his costume under her dress so that he could change into it before presenting. That's badass.

Cons:

The Borat Effect - While on one hand I admire Fisher for sticking with a dude who's clearly a bit chaotic in the brain, you have to question how her own internal thinking works, to stick around with someone a bit on the crazy side.

Questionable Career - While those of us who are super into movies recognize the value that Isla Fisher brings to a project, most of what she signs up for doesn't turn out to be profitable. In between big scale movies like WEDDING CRASHERS, where she was a side character who stole the show, and NOW YOU SEE ME, where she was one part of an ensemble, her leading lady moments don't go far. Which could lead to frustrated work talk at home.

All Those Babies - Isla is a family kinda gal, judging by her willingness to pop out 3 kids in quick succession. If you're not, then she's probably not for you.

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 I don't know how hard this one will be for you guys, but picking Isla Fisher as my forever choice was super easy. She's gorgeous, funny, smart, resourceful and tough. What more could you want?

Halle Berry

Pros:

That Body - One of the most sought after bodies in Hollywood, it was joked that Halle received extra money to go topless in the otherwise forgettable SWORDFISH. Judging by the flash-and-that's-it nature of the scene where she showed the goods, I don't doubt it.

A-lister access - If you fairly judge the box office takes of Berry's catalog of films, she's buoyed by being in the X-MEN films but otherwise has managed to achieve A-lister status on a variety of other middling crap, which is impressive.

Iceberg Aging - Berry is now in her 50's and still looks as good as she did 20 years ago, which bodes well if you're into anything long term with her.

Cons:

Baby Daddy Drama - We'll never know the full story behind why she ended up with one baby daddy beating the shit out of another baby daddy (supposedly at her request) but who wants to be around that mess?

Various Personal Life Drama - Even before she had the baby daddy drama, she had the married to a cheater drama (where she adopted his kid and then abandoned her after the divorce, which doesn't seem parental), married to a wife beater drama, getting into hit-and-runs drama and whatever else you can think of drama.

Demanding Diva - There are a number of stories told by people who worked for or under Berry on movie sets that don't paint her in a very good light, giving the impression that she's hard to work for or even be around.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

I don't like Halle Berry. I think she's an overrated actress and her personal life woes really turn my stomach. I know how impossible it is to try and be friends with women like her, so I'm going to go with the carnal response and say that I don't like her, wouldn't be friends with her but would f*ck her given the opportunity, so long as I could sneak out before she woke up.

Eva Mendes

Pros:

Gorgeous - Her body is amazing but it's the fact that Eva has the kind of beauty that lights up an entire room when she smiles that really stands out to me.

Funny as F*ck - You wouldn't expect a woman as hot as Eva to be so subversively funny, but she proves it time and time again. From STUCK ON YOU, when she was easily the funniest thing in that awkward comedy to providing what little laughs were to be had in GHOST RIDER to holding her own against Will Ferrell in THE OTHER GUYS, Eva is a ninja funny master.

Loyal - One of the things that Ryan Gosling mentioned in his Golden Globe acceptance speech was that Eva took time off from her own career to help her brother during his battle with cancer. So many celebs have the money to hire great help for their ailing family members but Eva took it on herself, even after having 2 children back-to-back.

Cons:

Ryan Gosling - You can't compete. I don't care who you are or how bloated your ego might be, even the feistiest of you all know you can't compete with Gosling.

Too Hot - Eva is the kind of hot that reduces even the more confident dudes to obsessive, jealous, paranoid freaks.

Ummm... - Honestly, Eva is pretty perfect. Her flaws mainly are that she makes the other person look bad, although that's not really her fault, now is it?

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

I know I wouldn't even try to take Eva away from Ryan, so marriage is out. I'd love to tangle up the sheets with her but I don't think I could stand to have something fleeting either. So if it meant being platonic just so long as the friendship could last forever, so I could always be around her beautiful awesomeness, I'll take it.

Now, let's hear your choices!

Source: IMDB

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