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Marry/Date/Friend: Aubrey Plaza vs Chloe Bennet vs Dakota Johnson

02.07.2018by: Cherry Liquor

Last time I visited the Marry/Date/Friend stomping grounds, it was a toss up between Gina Carano, Eiza Gonzalez and Cara Delevingne. I wasn't surprised that many of you disagreed with me regarding Gina being marriage material, placing the buff former MMA fighter in the friend zone, but I would have figured that you'd be locking down Eiza, not Cara. I guess that little minx is gaining in celebrity power faster than I realized.

This week might have an animated bunny with the voice of James Corden (hopefully not) ruining my childhood with their interpretation of Beatrix Potter's PETER RABBIT but it's really going to be all about how much skin we're going to witness in the new pile of garbage about how one writer completely misunderstood what BDSM relationships are actually like. So, here's that movie's star and a couple of other ladies who have let us peep at their kinky side.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Aubrey Plaza

Pros:

Funny AF - While I know a lot of people who don't find Plaza's dry delivery to be amusing, I am very much on the side of, "Holy shit, I would watch that woman eat a bowl of cereal." Because she's pretty much one of the only women I can think of who could do something mundane and still make me laugh.

Diversity Rocks! - And I'm not just referring to the fact that Aubrey is Puerto Rican & Irish. Seeing her move from something as stupid DIRTY GRANDPA to the sublimely surreal take on how "real people" fame can be utterly horrifying in INGRID GOES WEST proves that she's not some dry delivering one trick pony.

Takes the Piss - I know I'm probably not using that British phrasing correctly but I'm cool with acting a fool and so is Aubrey. She doesn't seem to care if she trips or stumbles or screws up having a normal conversation. She even flubs her way through televised interviews and has a good laugh at her own expense. Her utter lack of pretense is amazing in this current pop culture world.

Cons:

Too Skinny - This is my main complaint with a bunch of the women in Hollywood because let's face it - we have a problem with body image in the fame game. I think Aubrey would be skinny without the pressures of her high profile career but it seems to have become more exacerbated as her name recognition has grown.

Grumpy Cat - I self-identify as a cat person. I love cats. But that shit was funny for about half a minute. By the time Aubrey jumped on as the voice of GC, I was already long over it and dismayed by her involvement.

Poor Digital Media Skills - This is in the sense of her taking those awkward sexy pics that got hacked and leaked during The Fappening. I mean, who doesn't love a significant other who gives them some self love ammo? Those of us who would prefer to be the only ones to see them?

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 Aubrey is fairly close to perfect in my book. She's got a kinky side, a self-deprecating side, a leave-me-alone-I'm-reading side that scares off those with weaker constitutions and she's a beautiful dame and she works damn hard to get things done. Bring it on!

Chloe Bennet

Pros:

Beautiful - I've always been a bit more partial to brunettes but there is something so naturally beautiful about Chloe that it makes sense for her to be in a high profile career where she can show it off.

Marvel Babedom - I can envision a number of issues when it comes to being in a relationship with a lady in the Marvel universe. None of them seem exceptionally trying in the negative sense and those on the positive side of things are REALLY positive sides.

Everybody Wang Chung - It's simple, it's stupid, but Chloe's original last name was (is?) Wang. Any gal who has a surname synonymous with a funny body part starts off life with bonus points.

Cons:

Logan Paul - She let that asshat put his penis in her. Automatic major hit points.

Valley Girl - I shouldn't assign consternation to the upcoming remake before I've seen it, but COME ON. The original movie was as close to early '80's perfection as it was ever going to get and her role in it shows poor judgment on her part.

High Maintenance Masquerader - From what I've seen of her interviews, appearances on the red carpet and various photoshoots, I'm guessing she's one of the worst kinds of babes - the high maintenance ones who THINK they're low maintenance.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

While it might not be worth it in the long run, it's hard to say that Chloe would make a good friend and easy to point out that she would make a great bragging rights decision. At least that douchebag has that to hang his hat on now that his little online foray has hit the skids.

Dakota Johnson

Pros:

Bangin' Bod - I mentioned it when I wrote up Dakota's Hot or Not from yesterday - she has a solid B+ body that is outstanding if not exceptional. A little pale but perfect for pink butt spankings, I suppose.

Hollywood Pedigree - Not only does she have parents who are actors, her maternal grandmother was in a Hitchcock film. Those kind of Tinseltown roots spread deep and are accepted more places that American Express, Mastercard, Visa or Discover combined.

Unafraid of the Kink - There has been far too much talk about how she prepared for her FIFTY SHADES OF GREY role and what her parents thought and what she thought and how tastefully it was or wasn't handled when the plain fact of the matter is - this woman is a boss bitch when it comes to putting it all out there (and not coming off exploited in the process).

Cons:

Fifty Shades of Suck - Everyone has seen all of her and because this shit is inexplicably, horrifyingly popular, it's Never. Going. To. Go. Away.

Silly Tattoos - There are trends in tattoos every year, every decade, etc and Dakota was a victim of the Quote on Bicep one. And the Birds In Flight one. And the Statement With Stars on the Foot one. And the Matching Mom & Daughter Tat one. At some point, you'd think she'd knock that shit off.

Smoker - Before she broke out, I remember the media having a field day with a paparazzi shot of Melanie help light Dakota's cigarette - when she was 17. Some of you don't mind it, but I think smoking is pretty gross. Especially the stone age tobacco & tar on fire version.

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

Dakota seems like she might be a cool chick with a tad bit of bloated self-importance that an actor might get when they're riding high on the popularity of one of their projects before they've really established a solid standing outside of that project. I'd be interested to see what Dakota is like in 10 years, which makes her good friend material, if only to be close when the fallout occurs.

Now, let's hear your choices!

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