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Marry/Date/Friend: Anne Hathaway vs Katie Holmes vs Katherine Heigl

03.21.2018by: Cherry Liquor

Taking a look at some of our classic favorites last Marry/Date/Friend, there were a few of you who agreed with me that Jennifer Garner was marriage material but an equal amount of you didn't give a single f*ck that Julianne Moore was older, you still found her your slice of lock-it-down perfection. One sole dissenter thought Heidi Klum was the ultimate bride but the majority agreed that she was more the date type.

I thought we could take a look at a few more of our classic favorites, with the angle being that they have been seducing us since they were all barely legal and have since turned into a tasty seasoned dish.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Anne Hathaway

Pros:

Got a Body & She Ain't Afraid to Use It - Hathaway seems to have figured out from the get-go that she was too sweet looking to be taken seriously and made the ultimate sacrifice - baring all, a lot of the time. Her bravado & savviness hooked me right away.

Highly Marketable - While we might argue as to the quality and longevity of her singing voice, Anne still has the chops to do it well enough that it's reflected in her paycheck. Add a superhero movie, her nudity inclinations and that face that's barely aged in 15 years and you have an excellent choice of work horse wifey.

A-List Connections - I don't think many people have Hathaway's name pop up if they're asked to name a top-tier Hollywood actress first on deck but this lady has worked with more cool names & banked some serious bucks on her resume over the course of her career, which means that you'll get invited to all the cool parties.

Cons:

Too Peppy, Too Giggly - There's a part of me that admires how well Anne either covers up depression or her outright consistently upbeat & positive nature. The other part of me rolls my eyes & "Bitch, Please"s her shark-toothed smile and irritatingly fake laugh.

The Constant Chanteuse - I don't happen to be someone who thinks Anne Hathaway sings well. In fact, I'd rather listen to Debbie Gibson's first album on a turntable that someone bumps into repeatedly. The fact that Hathaway has pushed to continue singing in her career is troublesome, when thinking about her practicing at home.

A Brunette Janice - When Anne cut her hair short, I was suddenly gripped with a sense that she's been a f*cking magician in getting us to not notice she's got a Muppet face (slightly-too-large-for-her-face nose, giant split open mouth, those flamboyant ears that stick out just so). Hair grows back but... whoa.

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 My complaints regarding Hathaway are trivial AF, another exercise in me tickling my petty bone to have a few cons to list. Anne seems like a very cool chick you can hang out with who will f*ck you well & keep you smiling. I can dig that on the long-term.

Katherine Heigl

Pros:

That Body - With age and childbirth and weight gains & losses, Heigl has shifted the same 20 or so pounds in different places over the years but frankly, she held up a helluva lot better than I thought she would while pregnant and holy shit, when she was young those womanly curves were the church that even Atheists would attend.

Freaky Deaky - The cops were once called on Heigl & her husband Josh Kelley when they were having sex in their outdoor Jacuzzi. I'm guessing their screams weren't from the temperature of the water.

No Filter - A lot of people hated on Heigl for the shit she talked during the high point her career, both at Judd Apatow & Shonda Rhimes, which takes some serious balls. Or stupidity. Call me a glutton for punishment but being with an honest person has always been a weakness for me.

Cons:

Smoker - Some of you have said that you don't consider smoking to be a Con but it bugs me. I've noticed that Heigl switched over to vaping at some point but that shit's both nasty & pretentious.

Bites the Hand That Feeds - Like I mentioned above, Katherine talked some shit about people in the industry that she shouldn't have fucked with. While honesty is great, being honestly bitchy isn't as much. I didn't see what her saying those things was supposed to accomplish (she called KNOCKED UP sexist and mocked the writers on Grey's Anatomy when she wasn't nominated for an Emmy) other than piss people off.

Scorched Earth - Tied in with everything else I've mentioned is the fact that Heigl's career has never seen a rebound since everyone got a taste of her saltiness. She keeps working but now it seems as if it's because she has to.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

I would want to have drinks with Katherine Heigl. I would definitely want to f*ck Katherine Heigl. I would NOT want to have to cater to her as a significant other or pretend that everything she said was sugar on her tongue as a "friend."

Katie Holmes

Pros:

Sweet Like Candy - Holmes has the most darling face, the sweetest smile you'll see on a woman over 40 and under 80. There is something so soothing about her gentle demeanor that I want to lean in whenever I hear her talking.

Surprising - Every time I think I have Katie Holmes pegged, she'll go do something that makes me take more serious notice. I was surprised when she went topless in 2000's THE GIFT (especially after having conversations with friends regarding her having the better set of tits between her & Michelle Williams back when Dawson's Creek was still on the air). I was gobsmacked by her decision to marry Tom Cruise (and actually get knocked up by him). I was proud that she left him. I'm tickled that she's dating his former co-star. Katie doesn't make a lot of sense and I dig that.

Yummy Mummy - When Holmes first left Cruise, she was at that haggard point that the dissolution of a relationship will bring on. Since getting her head back in order, she's bounced back brilliantly. Still doesn't have her pre-kid tits anymore, though.

Cons:

Tom Cruise - I get that wanting to be with Tom Cruise just to be able to say that you were with Tom Cruise kinda weird thing. It would be like a fetish for having sex with people from a different country than you. Or a different planet. But... Tom Cruise. Just... no.

Haunted by Scientology - From the way Leah Remini talks about it, Katie's going to have that INSIDIOUS-like demon over her shoulder for the rest of her life. The only cult I like is occult.

As & Bs - In actuality, Katie Holmes is more of a B-list level actress/celebrity. An on-deck option, at best. Because of her now long-since past relationship with Cruise, she is pursued at an A-list level of paparazzi attention. And those vultures are pretty f&cking annoying if you don't get the good dinner table to go with it.

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

Katie Holmes seems sweet. I like her tinkling little laugh punctuating the soft lilt of her speaking voice. But she doesn't really have anything interesting to say, doesn't give me any wildcat-in-the-sack vibes and then there's that whole, well, you know. Having her as a friend would mean someone would always send you a hand-written card on your birthday & like every social media status you post. That's the best superficial friendship a person could ever ask for!

Now, let's hear your choices!

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