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Marry/Date/Friend: Amy Schumer vs Chelsea Handler vs Sarah Silverman

04.18.2018by: Cherry Liquor

Man, you guys certainly had trouble playing a hypothetical match-up last Marry/Date/Friend. I've been attempting to make these harder choices and I had figured that there would be a little hemming & hawing regarding Miley Cyrus and her never-would-actually-be-in-your-league hotness. I even figured there would be some griping about Chrissy Teigen, but holy shit. No one really wanted to play the fictional scenario to the end, other than saying that Amanda Seyfried is marriage material. It's just a game, yo. Relax and have fun with it.

As your punishment this week, I'm taking 3 of the more controversially attractive comediennes and probably ending up with a similar outcome to the last post, but still. A fictional 6-pack on me if you decide to roll with it.

Marry: Your forever gal, for better or worse.

Date: Your temporary gal, to have fun with but eventually walk away from.

Friend: Your best buddy gal, with whom you have all the laughs but none of the "benefits."

Sarah Silverman

Pros:

Fit & Childless - At this point in my life, I highly appreciate those women out there who have made the conscientious choice to not have children, Silverman being one of them. Not just because she's kept her quite respectable physique intact but because it's nice to go to adult places with other adults & do some adulting without worrying about babysitters or the opinion of someone under 3 feet tall.

Gives A Crap - While Sarah has repeatedly made references to her extended childhood bedwetting, this is less about bodily functions and more about how she has shown that she's thinking outside of the box with how to communicate with people. Not just on her show, but in the manner she handles haters who lash out at her on social media.

Titanium Backbone - Silverman tells some raunchy jokes, but it's the ones where she's being obstinately sarcastic that seem to rub people the wrong way. She's been criticized for some stuff she's joked about and has stood up for herself without going on an apology tour - especially when it wasn't required.

Cons:

That Voice - Great for when she's voicing an animated little girl. Not so much for the sexy times talking.

On the Road Again.. and again... and again - Sarah has done some time with TV shows & movies but for the most part, she still travels frequently and wouldn't always be around for you needy f*ckers.

Vegetarian - Ehh, this isn't as big of a turn-off as a vegan, but it can still get gnarly if the person is hardcore about it. There's a degree to which you cannot trust someone who doesn't eat cheese.

OUR CHOICE: MARRY

 Over the years, I've had a love-hate relationship with Sarah. The older I get, the more I like her & understand her vibe. I can really appreciate her willingness to be open about her clinical depression & her desire to make a difference in the world that doesn't include popping out children. It would be a crazy ride, especially considering that she never wants to get married.

Chelsea Handler

Pros:

Exceptional Knockers - You can say a lot of things about Chelsea Handler. One of them is that she's got great tits. And she knows it. And she shows them off. And you know you love it.

Hustle Beats Talent... - ... When Talent Doesn't Hustle. Handler isn't 100% on the mark. She's not the funniest woman out there. But the lady can hustle. A $40 million net worth kinda hustle.

Spreads the Wealth - There are comedians out there today who only have name recognition because Chelsea brought them on her show to make comments about various happenings. She's been known to take all of her friends on fancy vacations, dropping a mint on their luxury.

Cons:

Release the Kraken - Holy shit, does Chelsea Handler, with all of her money & access to products & procedures, seem to be aging at a disturbing rate. She's only 43 but she easily looks like someone 20 years older who's just well put-together. That's scary.

2 Quarter Lovin' - There was something so skin crawling about the way Handler pursued & casually dated 50 Cent. As the kids would say, I. Just. Can't.

Jenny McCarthy - She's good friends with Mrs Anti-Vaxx. For some of you, that's not a big deal. For me, I can't quite look past someone being chummy with a woman who's suggested vaccines give kids autism.

OUR CHOICE: DATE

Chelsea Handler isn't all that hot, all that funny or all that slick when it comes to picking pals but she's stacked & she has fat stacks of cash, so it would be nice for an extended vacay or two.

Amy Schumer

Pros:

A-List or Bust - Amy Schumer can sell a movie, even that shit show that was SNATCHED. This means she gets invited to all the cool places with all the cool kids. She also took home over $37 mil in 2017, so...

J-Law Connections - With that money & status, Amy has acquired a lot of super hot friends, the most notable of which is the always lust-worthy, Jennifer Lawrence. (And she's made out with Amber Rose, which might be unappealing to some but I loves me some Amber.)

Eats Like She Means It - Amy Schumer is slightly overweight. I don't agree with the assessment that most people have of her when they call her "fat." She's what my grandma would call "pudgy." Which means that you'll never have to deal with a hangry woman who picks at her food & is nasty and unhappy all the time due to lack of nutrition.

Cons:

Bunny Teeth - Everyone has different gripes about Schumer, most of it dealing with her body or her round cheeks. For me, it's not a deal-breaker but holy shit do her front two teeth distract me in a bad way.

Legions of Haters - I can't even imagine how rough it must be to have money & recognition (don't forget, lest you claim she's not funny, that her show has won a number of Emmys and a Peabody Award) and yet STILL have to deal with people relentlessly shitting all over you.

Hungry for Love - There's something to be said about Amy not dating a string of celebrities but there's also something weird when you see a woman break up with one dude and get married to a different one less than a year later. Granted, she married a chef, which I'm sure is joke fodder for some of you but who wouldn't want to lock down someone who can make a great meal?

OUR CHOICE: FRIEND

Amy Schumer seems to be a cool enough chick, especially when she gets real and tells you stories about her life (she took 41 stitches in her leg after a surfing accident, which is badass in my opinion) instead of just cracking jokes. I think she takes too much flak about her looks and while I wouldn't be opposed to a few friendly benefits, I still think just being her pal is good enough.

Now, let's hear your choices!

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