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12.24.2012by: Droz

Top 10 Celebrity Train Wrecks of the Year

The celebs were careening into self destruction like mad people this year. There was carnage done to careers, fortunes, public perceptions - even humanity's faith in trusted institutions was shaken, all thanks to the notorious exploits of the 10 select human train wrecks presented here for your ridicule and condemnation. Some of these names you've seen mentioned before in such lists, some you will no doubt see again. Yet all were cocking things up royally 2012.

#10 - Lance Armstrong

Not since Lucifer started talking shit to God has anyone experienced a harder fall from grace as Lance Armstrong did this year. Now officially labelled a doper, a cheater, a liar and a borderline criminal, Lance went from world hero to pariah overnight, losing his championships and any semblance of a good name in the process. In a world grown tired of athletes cutting corners to glory in their sport, Armstrong's removal from public consideration was as all encompassing as his USADA ruling was damning, leaving nothing behind but ignominy and permanently tarnished memories.

#9 - Madonna

Was there anything more pathetic than Madonna's desperate attempts to stay relevant in 2012? Using her concert tour as a pulpit from which she spouted her stance on everything from presidential elections, to gun violence, to terrorism, to smoking, her flawed premise here seems to be that her influence over pop culture and public opinion didn't evaporate years ago. Nor did her standing as a sexual creature, at least in her own mind, despite the fact that she's a steadily shriveling, 53-year-old senior citizen. At this point, she would have more success at getting something off the Denny's senior menu than getting anyone hot for her again. What's really sad is that she is probably no where close to being done with these attempts at staying relevant. Which means we can look forward to a septuagenarian hobbling around on a stage in a cone bra one day. Fantastic.

#8 - Demi Moore

2012 saw the already unstable Demi Moore slide even further into chaos following the end of her May-September relationship with ultimate douche Ashton Kutcher. Prolonged bouts of depression, bitter public outbursts, failed rebound relationships with men far too young for her, drunken buffoonery and the eventual alienation of her family would follow her split. Like her fellow 50-something Madonna, Demi seems to be having a hard time adapting to being old and obsolete among armies of young hotties rising up to take her place. So much for growing old gracefully.

#7 - Halle Berry

Halle Berry's difficulties finding stability in her relationships continued in 2012. Following her divorce from her model baby daddy ex, Halle took up with a former boxer and proceeded to engage in a series of public insult exchanges and slights with her ex, culminating in a physical encounter between her ex husband and her boxer boyfriend that left her ex bruised and battered for his trouble. Hey, relations with the exes are tough. I know it well. But when your encounters send someone to the emergency room, it may be time for an attitude adjustment.

#6 - John Travolta

John Travolta saw his private life become very public in 2012 when a torrent of accusations from a crowd of harassed, male masseuses began to flood media channels, all claiming Travolta couldn't keep his hands off them. Though no official confirmation of their accusations has been established, the number of accounts concerning Travolta's fondness for the man chicken was enough to give him and his creepy hairpiece a black eye, as well as an extra boost of legitimacy to that infamous South Park episode.

#5 - Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian has spent much of 2012 proving to the world what most of us already knew - namely that she's incapable of having anything meaningful in her life. An abrupt marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries was followed by an even more abrupt split 6 weeks later, which fueled months of ridiculous public accusations and scandals to follow. As if her regular media whoring wasn't enough, now it was entirely clear that nothing and no one in her life was safe from her media manipulation.

#4 - Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes entered 2012 a beloved tween TV show icon of the 90s and sex symbol for many a grown up young adult. She will leave 2012 a train wreck of startling and perplexing rapidity. Deep into drugs and alcohol, she would find herself involved in repeated DUIs, hit and runs and other auto collisions, as well as numerous, public bouts of drunkenness and unpredictable behavior. Why she descended into these vices remains unclear, though the resulting legal issues raised by her behavior shall not be resolved any time soon.

#3 - Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

Entering 2012 the darling couple of Hollywood, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exit this year embittered exes, picking up the pieces of their life. Speculation and sensationalism about everything from Scientologist associations to notions of the sanctity of marriage would follow their split. Quickly wrapped up with a confidential divorce settlement to avoid persistent media attention, Tom and Katie's divorce would nonetheless become the most covered celebrity split of 2012.

#2 - Kristen Stewart

Few people managed to anger so many and alienate herself so universally with the public at large than Kristen Stewart did this year with her elicit affair with director Rupert Sanders. Arousing the fury of many a devoted TWILIGHT fan beloved of her boyfriend and costar Robert Pattinson, photos of her embrace with the married director brought her intense criticism and rebuke from pretty much everyone.

#1 - Lindsay Lohan

The current queen of celebrity calamity Lindsay Lohan easily holds her long-running place at the top of the celebrity train wreck pile in 2012. With an unprecedented streak of thefts, parole violations, car crashes, bar brawls, drunken encounters and several other kinds of public disturbances in this year alone, Lindsay also demonstrated herself a completely unreliable and disruptive force for those few productions that agreed to cast her, with trashed trailers, ruined sets and mediocre performances the only return most got on their investment. Now kicked out of her house, bearing a huge back tax bill and her probation revoked, the future for your #1 train wreck of 2012 looks plenty capable of creating more wreckage in the months and years to come.

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