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01.28.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Sexiest Mistresses

Men are dogs, blah blah blah. Hollywood would like you to believe that all men are programmed to be cheaters, perverts and sexually depraved animals, which is why they're betting on THE LOFT making money in the cold box office waters of January. They've been selling the tale of guys stepping out with lucrative success, so I suppose it's a win to keep up the patter. And you know, sometimes I understand why these dudes break their vows because here are 10 of the hottest mistresses in film.

#10 - Carey Mulligan (AN EDUCATION)

It was rough trying to watch this movie, knowing that nothing good was going to come of a fumbling pervert seducing a willing young student but man did Mulligan really place herself on the map with the retro role. I might be alone in thinking that she's got a certain smoldering sexuality to her (she made me cry too when she was singing in SHAME, so don't feel bad, Fassbender) but I don't mind being my own company on this one.

#9 - Amanda Peet (THE WAY WAY BACK)

I understand that a lot of people don't like Amanda Peet based on some things that she's said and some ways that she's behaved in real life. Still doesn't deter me from appreciating the fact that she's beyond being just a capable actress, one who's willing to be a goofball, a sexpot and a bad guy (shocker!) with voracious aplomb. Saucy vacation side piece? She does it well in THE WAY WAY BACK.

#8 - Natalie Portman (CLOSER)

While I recognize that this is the role where most of you Portma-philes got turned on to her sexiness, I had more of a problem with it. Not only does she look way younger than the film's purported 24-years of age for her, the character is a huge turn-off for me, with all of her burning dog girl antics. Plus it just makes me wonder where all of the cut footage of her actually stripping (yeah, that scene was filmed with real nudity but was cut from the final version) went off to.

#7 - Katie Holmes (PHONE BOOTH)

What can I say, Katie Holmes was super cute when she was younger (not too far off from that now, even post-Tom) and I can totally understand why Colin Farrell wouldn't want that awful sniper to get in the way of his nice slice of pie. Too bad the movie focused on all that taut thriller action instead of some steamy bedroom scenes.

#6 - Marisa Tomei (CRAZY STUPID LOVE)

This one stretches the concept of a mistress, but I love me some Marisa, so I'm throwing it in there. When his wife breaks up their high school romance fueled marriage, Steve Carell's Cal gets some lessons on how to seduce women and get over her by getting into bed with someone else. Sure, he forgets to call her after she takes 45 minutes orally pleasuring him, a fact we learn about at their kid's open house, but hey! It's funny, right?

#5 - Emily Ratajkowski (GONE GIRL)

Yeah, she's got some mighty impressive breasts but in GONE GIRL, Emily Ratajkowski cleans up a little too plainly and of course, her selling out that scoundrel on national TV goes against the code of mistresses. She should have stuck to boiling a bunny instead, because as much as they should help you get away with anything, awesome breasts are not a infinitely reusable get-out-of-jail card.

#4 - Lake Bell (IT'S COMPLICATED)

Her character starts off as a mistress, even if we don't see that part go down, and turns into the wife who gets cheated on, a story development that is apparently a big draw to women over the age of 50, if you go by pretty much any of the films directed by Nancy Meyers. With her husky voice, mind-blowing body and clearly open-minded personality, how Alec Baldwin could think that life got better than Lake Bell, well, that's gotta be a complicated explanation right there.

#3 - Kate Upton (THE OTHER WOMAN)

Here's the thing - outside of that bikini beach running scene, Kate Upton is remarkably capable in her (sorta) first movie role. I wasn't really expecting her to be much of anything outside of the big-boobed visual comedy for the wife, mistress, mistress of the mistress movie but Upton is charming and adorable, taking the edge off of Cameron Diaz's bitter lemon-sucking face and Leslie Mann's wimpy but maniacal doormat character. I think Kate might have some more good film times in her, if cast the right way.

#2 - Eva Mendes (THE WOMEN)

One of those films where dudes don't actually make an appearance, THE WOMEN from 2008 was a box office bomb which was actually a reboot of a 1939 movie with a much more powerful all-female cast. Ultimately, the classic version is more enjoyable but the retread features the sublimely sexy Eva Mendes as the only really good thing in it, and when she's hot, she's on fire.

#1 - Scarlett Johansson (HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU)

Kinda hard to imagine a hotter chick worth cheating on your wife with, especially if you're already starting off with Jennifer Connelly wife hotness. But that's pretty much one of the only things that makes the otherwise fairly unwatchable HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU slightly tolerable. Sure, it means that you have to stomach Bradley Cooper once again getting the hottest woman (women! He gets both of those hot women!) in the room, but such in the way of Hollywood.



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