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06.25.2014by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Hottest Michael Bay Babes

We're getting a new Michael Bay film spooged onto us this weekend. Let's face it, that's about the best way to describe a Bay film getting released, with the speed, grace and accuracy in which the marketing campaign slams into the movie watching world. Over the years Bay has been predictable to a point of comfort - we know what we're going to get, we know that there's a lot that we're going to hate about it and we know that he's got a gorgeous woman in the film to ease our concerns, whether it's one he directed or one he produced. This is Bay's world, we're just paying the tolls to navigate through it.

#10 - Liv Tyler (ARMAGEDDON)

Bay loves his dark haired, light eyed beauties as much as I do. Tyler, at the peak of her hotness back in 1998, was that girl we'd all try to save the world for. Sure, we might not break into song about it, but we'd definitely risk the wrath of Bruce Willis for a piece of that fine tail.

#9 - Melissa George (THE AMITYVILLE HORROR)

I feel as if Melissa George is one of the more unsung beauties in Hollywood. An Australian who possesses the sultry eyes of a Frenchwoman and soft-lipped pout of a German ingenue, George might be wading her way through television right now but she was the hot wife of the super buff piece of man meat that is Ryan Reynolds in the remake of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.

#8 - Sophia Bush (THE HITCHER)

To live in a world where Sophia Bush, easily one of the most beautiful women ever, is only the 8th person on a list is to fully admit defeat to the vision of the world as Michael Bay sees it. To live in this world, we need only sit back, shut up, drink in the visuals and take enough Xanax to not be permanently disabled from the constant smashing noise. I could deal with that.

#7 - Odette Yustman (THE UNBORN)

I know she's married now and goes by Anable but I have a hard time adapting to change. Yustman did too, in the movie THE UNBORN, where there's PG-13 horror shenanigans afoot. The rating left us with only shots of the young Odette in her undies instead of more lurid nekkid images but it was still good, yes. Still good.

#6 - Vanessa Marcil (THE ROCK)

Don't think that the irony of there being two women on this list that were impregnated by "Beverly Hills, 90210," star Brian Austin Green has escaped me. Marcil continues to be a babe into her 40's but was totally worthy of the Holy Shit, Who is She, She's Hot factor in Bay's 1996 blockbusterpiece, THE ROCK.

#5 - Diora Baird (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING)

Remakes are bad enough, it's harder to justify why there would need to be a prequel to one of the most well-known and certifiably scary movies ever made, but hey - if you can capture horror movie maven Diora Baird as one of the cast members then I suppose it doesn't matter how shitty your movie ends up being, because... BOOBS.

#4 - Jessica Biel (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE)

Jessica Biel circa 2003. Horror movie. Tight jeans, white wife-beater tank top. Cowgirl hat. Those are the 5 points of what makes a remake worth watching.

#3 - Scarlett Johansson (THE ISLAND)

I remember watching THE ISLAND with a little girl around 5 years of age. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to sit through the film (well, the McGregor factor certainly helped) let alone such a small child. After the movie was over, I asked the little girl if she liked the movie and she answered with an apropos shrug. "What was good about it?" I asked the girl. "I liked the blonde lady. She was lov-e-ly." And that, my friends, sums up THE ISLAND.

#2 - Megan Fox (TRANSFORMERS)

Start with the Megan Fox of today and deduct the motherhood, the marriage to David Silver, the wholly unnecessary series of plastic surgeries and other procedures that she denies having had done, the dumb shit young person commentary in every interview she did after the first TRANSFORMERS made her a star and you have that breathtaking young girl bending over Bumblebee. That is the Fox that will hold true for cinematic history. That is the only Fox that matters.

#1 - Kate Beckinsale (PEARL HARBOR)

I don't need to have watched PEARL HARBOR to know that Katie Becks is the hottest filly in the Michael Bay stables, do I? I certainly hope not, considering that I've avoided that film like the plague. It's not that it's a Bay movie and it's not that I'm against seeing the Affleck of yore who seemed to take every big role offered to him in some weird attempt to - what? I never got that Affleck. I always have gotten the loveliness of Kate, though.

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