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05.27.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Hottest Disaster Movie Dames

As much as I would like to see Cameron Crowe succeed with ALOHA, I think his boat has sailed until it hits that "Roadies" TV movie comes out. Which means that we're looking at another week of fanboys whining about PITCH PERFECT 2 continuing to best MAD MAX at the box office and the implausible task of believing that Carla Gugino is old enough to be Alexandra Daddario's mother. At least the disaster quotient of SAN ANDREAS gave me reason to pause and recall of the times that babes have been used to soothe the world-is-coming-to-an-end blues.

Special Mention - Tara Reid (SHARKNADO)

The modern day Tara Reid is the equivalent to hottie as SHARKNADO is the equivalent to a relevant disaster movie. But let's not pretend that we both don't have a bit of a thing for each. If she hadn't been teased for having small boobs or a round face, perhaps Tara wouldn't have put herself through so many crappily done plastic surgeries. And perhaps if SyFy (SCIFI!) hadn't been mocked for being a useless channel, we wouldn't have ended up with so many awesomely bad TV movies. It's debatable which is the worse crime, but it is what it is.

#10 - Helen Hunt (TWISTER)

I don't necessarily find Helen Hunt attractive but she has her moments and back in 1996, TWISTER was one of them. When you don't take the women you cast in scientific or educational or doctoral roles seriously, you end up with Tara Reid as a microbiologist (or whatever it was Boll cast her as). Hunt was believably one of those rough-edged women who would chase tornadoes and she managed to look and act sexy doing it.

#9 - Tea Leoni (DEEP IMPACT)

There was a little clique of average looking blonde-ish actresses that were used repeatedly in the 1990's and in addition to Helen Hunt, you had Tea Leoni. A bit more tomboyish, a bit sexier because of that raspy voice, Leoni never quite glommed on to a runaway career, but marrying Duchovny and knocking out a weird Hollywood marriage seems to have kept her semi-relevant. DEEP IMPACT was one of those movies that you got wrapped up in while watching and forgot about the minute it was over. Kinda like the effect of Leoni as well.

#8 - Anne Heche (VOLCANO)

She showed herself to be a raving nutball after the breakup with Ellen and the dehydrated whatever it was moment in the 2000's but Heche was a member of that Inconsequential Blonde team of the 90's and out of all of them, I think Anne had the most sex appeal. Not super attractive (definitely not with the pixie-short hair during her 30's cast as the love interest of men in their 50's), it was still hard to deny that you knew Heche was a bit kinky around the edges if you got her alone. Heck, she's the only one of her club who's hotter now than she was back then.

#7 - Jacinda Barrett (POSEIDON)

Aside from the fact that it's fun to say her name (Jacinda... Jacinda... you know you're saying it with me), Jacinda Barrett is also one of my favorite overlooked hotties. A sexy Australian with eyes that squint just a little too much and defy most description? Yes, please. She was one of the few things I enjoyed in the lackluster remake of POSEIDON and it's been great seeing her, even to a limited degree, on newer TV shows like "Bloodline."

#6 - Elizabeth Olsen (GODZILLA)

In a movie where there was more Bryan Cranston than giant lizard monster even though the movie was titled GODZILLA, one ends up looking for the positives. She didn't get much to do (and in the event of a disaster where your husband might be dead, I don't know if I would have been so lackadaisically inclined to relinquish my child) but I stand firm by my opinion that Elizabeth Olsen is still that compelling. Even if they put Catholic medallions on her in an American bastardization of a Japanese classic.

#5 - Alycia Debnam Carey (INTO THE STORM)

I'm more mentioning Carey because she's been rising quickly on the hottie scales without many people paying close attention to her. If her name was catchier or even more simple (no one really needs the 3 name system these days, do they?) that might help. If more people could recognize her when she moves from her roles in INTO THE STORM, THE DEVIL'S HAND, "Fear the Walking Dead" and "The 100," that might be good too. Still, I say you should be paying more attention to this young Aussie babe. She's gorgeous, she's fit and she's talented.

#4 - Vivica A Fox (INDEPENDENCE DAY)

Will Smith will not be in the new INDEPENDENCE DAY movie and I'm really not all that sad about it. The entire Smith family has become a visual inducer of stomach distress for me, so I'm more than happy to replace him with any semi-passable newer versions of a wise-cracking dude of color. (Wouldn't it be far funnier and more interesting if they could have a Mexican or American Indian or Asian in that minority-in-a-uniform stereotype role? Come on, be brave, Hollywood!) What I will miss if she doesn't make even a cameo in the newest aliens-are-here-to-destroy-our-shit movie? Vivica A Fox and her non-nude stripper tits. Fox is still damn fine, even 19 years later.

#3 - Kate Winslet (TITANIC)

TITANIC counts as a disaster flick, it so totally does! When you have your breasts bared in a PG-13 movie and the audience sits in awe of your nude ginger beauty instead of being outraged or appalled or offended (then again, it was a smidge harder to achieve that reaction from people in the 90's, before the wonderful advent of instantaneous media options), that's fully worth the heartache and James Cameron mania that swirled around the making of the movie. And Leo was awful darn purty back then too.

#2 - Emmy Rossum (THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW)

She hadn't yet quite come into her full-blown sex goddess perspective for me when Emmy Rossum appeared in THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW at the tender age of 18. It wasn't for many years that I could fully appreciate just how all-around awesome she is, from her body to her looks to her stellar personality. She just needed a few miles on her for me to really love the ride.

#1 - Liv Tyler (ARMAGEDDON)

Normally if I have the opportunity to have Emmy Rossum on a top ten list, I find reasons to set her at number one. This week it was harder to justify because if there was a time in the history of Liv Tyler being hot, her turn in ARMAGEDDON was the pinnacle of that youthful beauty (even if it ties up with her in that plaid mini skirt from EMPIRE RECORDS). I wouldn't have wanted to lose a minute with the 1990's Liv either.

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