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07.01.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Hottest All-American Babes

I'm taking the easy route this week with the top ten list. I could have rehashed a cyborg/robot/futuristic topic in honour of TERMINATOR: GENISYS, but that's been overdone already. I could have gotten into strippers in honour of MAGIC MIKE XXL but when I think of Channing Tatum nude, I throw up in my mouth (more than) a little. While the overall concept of All-American babes is vague, the hotness of those I've selected might not generate a vague response. Enjoy!

#10 - Maitland Ward

I find it a bit baffling that so many people hate on Maitland Ward. She's a cute woman with a great body. As far as her All-American status goes, think about this - she's had plastic surgery, one of the greatest All-American pasttimes, she takes a shitton of selfies and other pictures like 95% of American women, she loves pop culture, sports, comic books and so many other American frivolities. Sure, she's not in the number one box office blockbuster and the last time she had a regular acting job was more than ten years ago but what American hasn't struggled with professional setbacks? I say she's hot, I say she's All-American. My list, my rules.

#9 - Kristen Stewart

If you were offended by my including Maitland Ward on the list, you're probably livid that KStew is on it as well. Still, can you imagine Stewart being anything other than American? Her obvious disdain for the career moves she's chosen to get her star where it's gone, her crassness and lack of eloquence when talking about world matters and her seeming lack of gratitude for, well, pretty much everything... seriously, how much more American could she get?

#8 - Julianne Hough

Blonde, beautiful, religious and clean-cut? You betcha. Julianne Hough has been working her fit tail off to grow into the benign beauty that no one can find a reason to deny. She has a bit of a daddy complex in the dating game, picking men much older and more professionally powerful than herself, something that most American chicks do rather than striving to build an empire on their name alone.

#7 - Hilary Duff

Being a former Disney star certainly makes you more All-American than the next kid star, going on the outside world's perception of us Americans. Marrying a hockey star is less so but divorcing him puts her back on the charts. Adhering to the MILF expectations of a divorcee? Another plus. An awesome ass on a white girl? Surely that only happens in the good ol' USA.

#6 - Jessica Simpson

It's really easy to pick the famous picture of Jessica Simpson in an American flag inspired bikini and find a way to work her into an All-American top ten list. But it's not just the iconic fashion that earns her a spot - Simpson loves drinking and eating like a champion American. She's constantly battling her weight like the majority of Americans. She's amassed a fortune from what could have otherwise been a fair to middling career. How much more American can it get?

#5 - Alison Brie

A smart, funny, talented woman with cleavage you could dive into? That isn't just an American dream, it's a widely accepted one across the world. Alison Brie is the Venus fly-trap of women - she can pull you in with her pretty exterior and then clamp down and hold you in her sway with all of the wily craftiness she possesses. She might just be our best American weapon today.

#4 - Kate Upton

Big breasts, a bigger smile and that blonde hair/blue eyes combo that most people think of when asked to describe an all-American babe are just the starter points for Kate Upton's greatness. She's young, she's hardworking and she's hungry to be more than just the bikini model... all while never dissing or abandoning the side her bread is buttered on.

#3 - Beyonce

When people start referring to you and your husband as the closest thing we have to American royalty, I think that means you've done right. Bae, as her biggest fans refer to her, has the market cornered on beauty without ever needing to be crass like wannabe princesses of the Jendashian design. While her little sister might need some lessons in poise, Beyonce wrote the book on them.

#2 - Alexandra Daddario

Alexandra Daddario is what every American dream consists of - a gorgeous woman (whether you want to be one or be with one) and making it big in a profession that most fail at, all obtained by a well placed display of nudity. Daddario shot to popularity by banking on her personal assets, one of the truest American traditions alive today.

#1 - Katy Perry

Not only is she our most profitable export these days, Perry has never shied away from proclaiming herself an all-American girl, evidenced by the multiple times she's performed for the troops and gussied herself up in stars-and-stripes fashion. I can't think of a better way to celebrate Americana than with the prime example of what everyone hopes for in life - a bank account even bigger than the breasts to go with it.

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