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07.29.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Babes of Vacation Movies

I don't honestly understand all of the bitching over the newest addition to the line-up of VACATION movies. It stars a couple of really funny people (Ed Helms isn't nearly as good with his comedic chops as Christina Applegate, but close enough), has a good set of writers (putting aside that awful THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE film, of course) and what the hell did you expect when the original stars have aged out of being able to be the harried mom & dad in a station wagon driving cross country? They could only recycle Rusty and Audrey so many times. Plus, we're going to get to ogle Chris Hemsworth and his huge schlong. I'd go to WallyWorld for a slice of that, any day.

Classic Hottie Special Mention - Tatum O'Neal & Kristy McNichol (LITTLE DARLINGS)

I'm often torn when it comes to including "older" movies because I get ripped for including too many films from current years and yet very few people will respond as if they recall the older films, so it feels like a no-win scenario. However, in my odd version of OCD, whenever I watch one movie I liked with a particular actor in it, I tend to go back and watch everything they've done that I can get my hands on. Such was the case with Tatum O'Neal, whom I adored as a kid in THE BAD NEWS BEARS. My mom was the one who suggested this movie, a fact that I find a bit cringe-worthy when I really think about it, but I'm glad I watched it. It's cheesy and lame in the way that films transitioning from the '70's to the '80's were but there have been very few films made since that seem to capture the spirit of being a horny and stupid teenager on a summer vacation away from their family. We were never affluent enough for me to go away to summer camp but this movie (and O'Neal & McNichol and the young Matt Dillon) made me wish I'd had that kind of adolescence.

#10 - Jada Pinkett (THE INKWELL)

I'm leaving off the -Smith for this one, if only because Jada had not yet become half of the Hollywood power couple that she and husband Will would later be known for. I wish I had a better picture to emphasize how f*cking cute she was back in the beginning of her career. A snobby ballerina type who catched Larenz Tate's eye while he's vacationing with his family in Martha's Vineyard, Jada was adorable in her old school bathing suits, all vivacious with a full bodied laugh. THE INKWELL is too damn hard to get your hands on and it's one of those gems that doesn't get the love it should (see also, the recent film DOPE).

#9 - Jennifer Grey (DIRTY DANCING)

I don't know why Jennifer Grey felt so bad about herself that she ended up going to a plastic surgeon who butchered the nose she originally was given crap about. There was nothing wrong with that original, prominent nose. It was different in a cookie cutter world and that made it sexy. Of course, her constantly stripping down, getting wet, prancing about in tiny shorts and skin tight tank tops also was sexy, even if it meant having to sit through the brain-itchingly catchy 1960's soundtrack. I would have picked Baby over her screechy sister every damn day of vacation... and the rest of the year too.

#8 - Kristen Connolly (CABIN IN THE WOODS)

College is rough. That's why they've devised about a million vacation opportunities over the two semesters that take place each year for their students. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, Summer vacation, those college kids take more breaks than pop stars claiming "exhaustion." Connolly is a really unsung beauty currently being wasted on a whiny basic cable show, but in CABIN IN THE WOODS, she proved what a badass she was by going on vacay with some friends and ultimately saving the world.

#7 - Marley Shelton (THE SANDLOT)

That young Marley Shelton knew exactly what she was doing, oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling, until none of us could take it anymore. Sure, it was Squints who went in for the big move, but we all got to live vicariously through that dork's smooth move during a trip to the pool over summer vacation. When you can't play baseball, might as well satisfy those other balls you like to play with.

#6 - The Senior Chicks of DAZED & CONFUSED

While no one gets in a car and travels anywhere farther than the local pool hall, you can still refer to DAZED & CONFUSED as a vacation movie if you apply the word "summer" before it. Freshly out of school for a few months, what are teens going to do with free time that lands in their laps? Torture the younger kids following them into high school, that's what. The senior chicks from the movie had some beautiful faces that went on to being familiar and I still get oddly aroused by chicks in knee high socks telling me to wipe that face off my head.

#5 - Kate Hudson (ALMOST FAMOUS)

This movie sort of applies to being on a vacation, right? I can't imagine that traveling around the country with a rock band - assignment for a music magazine or not - would be anything but a 24-hour party. And when you add in your accommodations keeping you surrounded by a bunch of sexually free groupies who bust your cherry, how else could be anything but a break from your normal day-to-day grind? Kate Hudson was at her glowing prime in this movie, perhaps one of the few she's been in that dudes will admit to watching her repeatedly in (plus Mitch Hedberg had a bit role in it too, not that I could add him to the list, but still).

#4 - AnnaSophia Robb (THE WAY WAY BACK)

The past few years have been banner ones in the world of "Let's turn Steve Carell into a villain." Most recently with his Oscar nominated creepfest performance in FOXCATCHER. But many people have forgotten this little seen gem of a film where Carell is still a douche, but a douche on vacation with his new girlfriend and his girlfriend's kid. When the kid escapes from the summer vacation at the beach, he finds solace in the charming and beautiful AnnaSophia Robb, who personifies youth and bright sunny days with her blonde ponytails and parade of cute shirts over bikini tops and shorts. Don't forget those flipflops paired with a sharp intelligence and rapier wit.

#3 - Catherine Mary Stewart (WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S)

A horrible concept of a film that should have died the second it escaped the cutting room, WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S is still going strong more than 25 years later. Perhaps because the boyish shenanigans of Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman are hard to resist but I'm betting more on the scantily clad Catherine Mary Stewart, the girl next door from the 1980's that everyone wanted to get next to.

#2 - Margarita Levieva (ADVENTURELAND)

I'm betting that most of you are glad that I didn't include Kristen Stewart from this movie, what with my strange affection for the girl and all. However, not only is Levieva a lovely woman, she was the epitome of what a guy working a lousy job during his summer vacation would yearn for. Young, fit and constantly chewing bubble gum. Sure, Lisa P might have been the shiniest apple in the barrel and when you're hungry, an apple a day...

#1 - Scarlett Johansson (VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA)

I haven't liked a Woody Allen movie since MIGHTY APHRODITE (sorry to all you MIDNIGHT IN PARIS fans) and this movie is no exception. However, I would be remiss if I didn't admit that when taking a vacation through the sexy European countryside where Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz are there to sexually tempt you that the experience wouldn't be heightened by a million with ScarJo added to the mix. She looked like the perfect golden goddess in a highly imperfect film, proof that she's made of more than mere mortal stuff.



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