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08.19.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Babes of Stoner Movies

I defend Kristen Stewart far more than any normal person should but I like the chick. I also have always found it refreshing that even in the face of needing to sell the Mormon propaganda vampire saga, KStew never backed down from her admittance that she's a regular and unabashed stoner. It actually makes more sense that she's in AMERICAN ULTRA than Jesse Eisenberg (although I like that dude too). While not every stoner is a sleeper cell who can kill you with a spoon, most of them are lucky to keep congress with a bevy of babes. Here is a list of the best of them.

#10 - Mary Kate Olsen (THE WACKNESS)

You will see me place her sister Elizabeth on as many lists as I can work her into because Lizzy Olsen is beautiful and talented. You will only see me find a place for Mary Kate Olsen in a top ten list once and that's for her role as the much-younger girlfriend of Ben Kingsley in the indie stoner flick THE WACKNESS. It's an imperfect film and certainly not as fun as most stoner related movies go but the brave nature that MK takes on as a trippy dippy hippie combined with the fact that this is the last time I think I've seen the little troll twin look hot makes her barely scrape onto the list.

#9 - Tara Reid (THE BIG LEBOWSKI)

They recently did a live read of THE BIG LEBOWSKI in Montreal, where the cast of the latest X-MEN movie was filming, and the powers behind that production saw it fit to have Michael Fassbender read as The Dude, Jennifer Lawrence read as Maude and Patton Oswalt read as Walt. I could not have wanted to hear something more than I did that live read but I know I would have been disappointed in their replacement Bunny Lebowski (Olivia Munn, who might be pretty but I find grating whenever she tries to "act"). At the top of her game when the Coen Brothers brought to life the tale of a White Russian drinking stoner just wanting recompense for his rug, Reid was exactly what that tiny role needed - ditzy, blonde and far too earnest for her own good. And I loved her for it.

#8 - Rachel True (HALF BAKED)

Jim Breuer is forever going to be remembered as the stoner guy. No matter what he does, even when his stand-up specials disclose that he wasn't a stoner before being pigeon-holed into stoner guy roles, he's going to be the stoner guy. Rachel True suffers from a similar fate, perhaps going on to forever be known as the token black witch in THE CRAFT. In reality, she kicked around a bit in some of the more memorable cult movies of the 90's (she's also in EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE, the film known for being When Samantha Micelli Showed Her Boobs), including playing the aptly named girlfriend of the pre-meltdown but always brilliant Dave Chappelle.

#7 - Malin Akerman (HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE)

H&KGTWC was originally named HAROLD & KUMAR GET THE MUNCHIES. The difference in name matters little. What does count is that the silly set of films that evolved helped to make stoner movies more mainstream (I recall watching the 3D Xmas installment and seeing the theater full of patrons try and scoop the visual smoke toward their plastic glasses wearing faces). The first movie was obviously the weirdest, either because it was an unexpected success or that it pretty much singlehandedly brought Neil Patrick Harris out of his "Doogie Howser MD" days and into the mega-superstar status that he now enjoys. It also was the movie to feature blonde babe Malin Akerman topless for the first time, where we could gawk and appreciate those boobies (instead of cringe at the lame sex scenes from WATCHMEN).

#6 - Megan Ward (ENCINO MAN, FREAKED, JOE'S APARTMENT, PCU)

Oh my gawd, seriously, what happened to Megan Ward? Back in the '90's, there wasn't a tripped out movie released that she didn't have her hand and really lovely face in. Whether it was playing the love interest to a high school drip whose best friends were a caveman and a dude named Stoney, ending up the Siamese twin to Alex Winter in the you-gotta-be-stoned-to-sit-through-it FREAKED, the bizarre MTV short turned inexplicable movie with talking cockroaches in JOE'S APARTMENT or the college rebellion flick when Jeremy Piven still had most of a head of his from birth hair... Megan Ward was there. Don't smoke out without her.

#5 - Kristen Bell (REEFER MADNESS)

I include Kristen Bell on far too many top ten lists, don't I? It's hard to go a week without finding a role that the pint-sized blonde has been in that doesn't rank her above her Hollywood counterparts. She can sing, she can dance, she can play funny, especially in this riotous 2005 musical version of the 1936 marijuana warning film. Plus, Bell in 1950's garb stripping down to her old school underwear (or that dominatrix kit) is exactly the dose of mouthwatering you need for the cotton mouth that weed gives you.

#4 - Linda Cardellini (GRANDMA'S BOY)

To be completely fair, GRANDMA'S BOY is a terrible f*cking movie. As someone who likes to get stoned, this isn't even a movie that I would find funny under the influence. The only highlight in this painfully noncomedic film is the previously fairly Plain Jane Linda Cardellini getting crunk and doing karaoke to Salt N Pepa's "Push It." And even that is pushing it. Pretending to lick at her breast while in those butt pants and green bustier brought her high (high! Get it?!?!) enough on my list here, though.

#3 - Shannon Elizabeth & Eliza Dushku (JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK)

Kevin Smith has done a lot of things wrong over the course of his career but right in the middle of that heap is the fact that there weren't any glossy pics saved of Justice and the Issys (Sissy, Chrissy & Missy) in those black PVC bodysuits. I can find a few fuzzy images here and there of the felonious foursome but none that capture just how awesome it was to see the majority of them in that tight shiny rubber. Discounting Jennifer Smith because she was only in the movie due to her being able to keep her lunch down while boning Smith as a part of her wifely duties and taking Ali Larter out of the mix mainly because she only got really, supremely hot after becoming a MILF, you have the triumphantly bitchy Dushku and the sadly hasn't really been this hot since Elizabeth as the best pieces from that bucket of babes.

#2 - Phoebe Cates (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH)

I wonder if modern day Phoebe Cates ever looks back on this iconic high school movie and is glad that she had her best years recorded on film to immortalize her at the height of her hotness for all time. I know that if I were the girl in the red bikini and people were still freeze framing my breast reveal more than 30 years after the fact, I'd be glad it was saved for posterity. Even if it meant that people would stretch the concept of a stoner movie to include it in the mix.

#1 - Paula Garces (A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS)

She appears in all three of the HAROLD & KUMAR movies, first as the object of Roldy's affection, then as his hard fought for girlfriend and finally as his ready-to-procreate wife in the Xmas incarnation of the stoner trilogy, Garces paid her dues when it came to being a hot babe in a movie that idolized a bag of pot over her fine ass, plus that red lingerie on the stairs is just too hard to top, especially for this list.

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