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01.13.2015by: Cherry Liquor

The Top Ten Babes of Cyber Crime Movies

As much as I do love me some Chris Hemsworth, I don't know if I'm all that interested in paying money to watch BLACKHAT in theaters. While the digital/cyber/online experience has done nothing but grow faster than an errant weed in a flower bed, the cyber movies trying to cover it have been slow to get caught up. Not that there haven't been a slew of interesting ones over the years, all chock full of babes. Here is my top ten of those.

#10 - Ally Sheedy (WARGAMES)

It's hard for me to have a top ten about any cyber related movie and not think of WARGAMES, that pre-Bill Gates & Steve Jobs bit of movie magic where we could only dream of a day when computers would talk to us and potentially start the third world war. It was also a time when Ally Sheedy was more than just the queen of every goth girl in high school, when she was fresh-faced, smiling with those big teeth and dimples, the 80's version of our Mary Anne option in the deserted island dream of things.

#9 - Angelina Jolie (HACKERS)

I fear that HACKERS was a bit before its time. The movie was a flop when it was released in 1995, too bloated with wacky concepts like Fisher Stevens being a bad guy and Matthew Lillard being some brilliant goofball named Cereal. But it was hip to the fact that Angelina Jolie, then the midst of her pseudo-lesbian-chic fashion and hairstyle phase, was going to be with us long after the 1s and 0s stopped spinning.

#8 - Rachel Leigh Cook (ANTITRUST)

The late 1990's and early '00's were so heavily laden with cyber crime/cyber punk movies, it was almost comical. Back when the internet was just revealing itself as being the all-access highway in which formerly secluded bad guys could now easily invade your idyllic personal sense of privacy, we were all for demonizing this new invention. Years later, we're all tethered to iPhones. The only constant from the past decade and change? Rachel Leigh Cook is still just as adorable now (even as a MILF) as she was back then.

#7 - Amber Valletta (GAMER)

The entire movie GAMER gave me a case of the heebs. Whether it was the creepy mind-control concept of those less fortunate getting rented out for bored affluent kids to manipulate or the sinister trappings that came with the campy performance by Michael C. (Dexter) Hall, it all wrecked me a bit. Amber Valletta in those booty shorts and neon orange wig were at least a minor departure from the cringe.

#6 - Diane Lane (UNTRACEABLE)

The most memorable scene from UNTRACEABLE isn't the computer hacking or even the fine Diane Lane playing a no-nonsense tough FBI agent. It was that scene with Colin Hanks, where I just wanted to know where the hell Forrest had made off to, leaving his progeny to expire in such an overly dramatic fashion. But Lane too. There's always a place on a top ten for Diane Lane.

#5 - Brenda Song (THE SOCIAL NETWORK)

One can very easily argue that THE SOCIAL NETWORK isn't a cyber crime movie but they can just as easily argue in favor that it is. Documenting the origin of Facebook, the entire film is told from a legal future in which Mark Zuckerberg is being accused of not sharing in the financial gain of purportedly stolen creative properties. Sure, there weren't any cops or guns or fancy laser beams in the mix, but there was the underratedly hot Brenda Song willing to take one for the team, so to speak.

#4 - Carrie-Anne Moss (THE MATRIX)

I found both of the unnecessary sequels to the original 1999 cinematic masterpiece THE MATRIX to be entirely forgettable, even though they both had the irrepressibly sexy Carrie-Anne Moss in them, reprising her role as Trinity. I just enjoyed her so much more before she got a bit too sappy over Neo, jumping about in the air and shooting all of those guns.

#3 - Maggie Q (LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD)

While definitely the worst of all of the DIE HARD movies, there are a few big pluses to the universally panned LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. Being that I'm a huge Timothy Olyphant sycophant, seeing him play another baddie, albeit a horribly stereotyped one, was still good for a goose. And while it was painful to suffer through the Justin Long and Kevin Smith forced "comedy," it was a treat to get to watch Maggie Q look hot and kick some major ass. Best DH chick in the whole bunch - and yes, I'm including MEW in that.

#2 - Halle Berry (SWORDFISH)

I really hate Halle Berry. Not always from the movies that she does but from everything we've learned about her personal life and how she conducts herself. The rumours that circulated that she wanted a bigger paycheck to gratuitously show off her tits (there hasn't been a more pointless display of nudity in even those direct-to-DVD AMERICAN PIE spin-offs) were just the beginning of everything we figured out was wrong about Berry, but she still looked f*cking stupendous in the super lousy SWORDFISH.

#1 - Olivia Wilde (TRON: LEGACY)

I can't honestly tell you if TRON: LEGACY counts as being a cyber crime movie, as I fell asleep while trying to watch it. Even though I found Olivia Wilde to be exciting, the movie on a whole frightened me from the start with the CGI Jeff Bridges. The biggest crime of that movie was digital Jeff and the biggest crime of this top ten list is that I haven't really put much concern into whether or not these are all true cyber crime flicks.

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