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06.27.2012by: Cherry Liquor

The Sexy Ten Spot: Hottest Movie Strippers

Can I point out something that I find annoying with MAGIC MIKE? Even as a chick, I'd rather watch a chick strip than a dude. And for the record, when did being a prime example of manliness include waxing off all your chest hair? Enough of that! On to the boobies!

Honorable Mention - Kristen Stewart (WELCOME TO THE RILEYS)

She's more than just Bella Swan. At one point, Kristen Stewart spent more time landing indie roles than rallying for the big paychecks. Proof that she's willing to do something because she likes the project? WELCOME TO THE RILEYS, a film where she puts red tape on her nipples, acts like a real-life, average stripper in any no-name town would (think strippers all look great? Try visiting the Pig Pen in Levittown, PA) and conveys that skanky sexiness in the most wonderfully uncomfortable of ways. Yes, I plan on continuing to fight for y'all to give the girl a little more credit.

10 - Jennifer Beals (FLASHDANCE)

I'm a long-time Beals fan and old enough to remember that when this movie came out, parents were deliberating if it was acceptable to allow their little girls to wear sweatshirts that fell off the shoulder. Now they're tarting them up like mini-Katy Perry clones. Jennifer had an ethnic look that was hard to determine, a fresh and different face. It took many years before our bubble was burst regarding her not doing all the dancing, but as for that iconic water scene? That'll always be one of my favorite strip movie moments ever.

9 - Jessica Biel (POWDER BLUE)

The middle sister from that "7th Heaven" clan had already drawn the ire of her TV dad when she posed for those topless pictures while still on the G-rated family show. It took many years until she blessed the fanboy community with a moving version of those bared breasts, a sad sack stripper who drips wax on her body and gives a very uncomfortable, spoiler alert lap dance. It may not have been pretty, but I give Biel props for showing off the goods (unlike that other, anti-nudity clause Jessica).

8 - Marisa Tomei (THE WRESTLER)

It was a depressing role, but it was one where Mona Lisa went and got nude for us. As the years have passed since Marisa Tomei was given the Oscar for stomping her foot and cleverly delivering lines about how Joe Pesci was wrong (you can just hear that accent right now, can't you?), she realized that if her career was going to have legs in its later years, she'd have to shed some clothes, straddle the 2008 version of Mickey Rourke and bring on the drama. Drama with nipples.

7 - Elizabeth Berkley (SHOWGIRLS)

Because I grew up watching Elizabeth Berkley on "Saved By the Bell" as the super good girl, smartie pants, Jessie Spano, I was one of those drooling fools who lined up to watch the then controversial release of Paul Verhoeven's ode to a small-time stripper turned Vegas Strip showgirl. By the time that the NC-17 movie hit the theaters, it was widely panned and then later adopted into the arms of bad movie cult members. All that aside... Berkley looked great nude, danced like a dirty freak and has had a harder time living down Nomi than Jessie.

6 - Gabrielle Union (CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE)

If only strippers in the clubs looked as good as Gabrielle Union dancing around in her red lingerie, seducing... oh, who the hell cares what crappy character in that crappy (but guilty pleasure) movie where they get away with using the numerical equivalent of "to" years before other movies got mercilessly reamed for the same. Then again, it might just be my affinity for chocolate talking.

5 - Rebecca Romijn (FEMME FATALE)

I'm guessing that not many of you have seen this caper movie where we got to see nearly as much skin bared by Rebecca Romijn than when she was slathered in blue latex and put on Magneto's side as his personal lap dog. FEMME FATALE has become more synonymous with the last Britney Spears album/tour than with Romijn slinking around on that table, ass high up in the air. I suggest that if you haven't seen it, discover what you've been missing.

4 - Salma Hayek (DOGMA)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bitch all you must that I've decided that Salma was hotter and more deserving of a spot on this top ten list as Serendipity from DOGMA than that other stripper vampire role that she had. Sure, there was a big snake in that one. And it was the first time that she'd done the writhe and jiggle, but Serendipity danced to New Edition's "Candy Girl," work dork glasses and blew... big bubbles with her bubble gum. That's without getting into the pigtails argument.

3 - Natalie Portman (CLOSER)

Forget that stupid pink wig. It was the realization that the former child star was all grown up, wearing practically nothing and making blonde look far better on her than anyone could have guessed was humanly possible. Natalie Portman did a number on us all as an emotionally detached plaything who teased Clive Owen with glimpses of her pink parts. Those totally beat a pink wig.

2 - Jamie Lee Curtis (TRUE LIES)

So she's not really a stripper. She's a bored housewife who goes through the most amazing transformation ever to take place in a hotel hallway over the course of less than 30 seconds. Sent on a mission from her secret spy husband, required to put on a strip tease to make up for her considering boinking tiny-dicked, fake spy Simon, how can you NOT consider this to be one of the best stripping moments in all of movie history?

1 - Gillian Jacobs (CHOKE)

I don't watch "Community." Why would I need to? The hottest thing about that show (sorry, Alison Brie fans) has already taken off her top in the movie CHOKE (NSFW linked proof!) as.... Cherry Daiquiri. Although it's not her real name. In case you were wondering. Gillian Jacobs, here's the love I don't give you by watching that NBC show. I think naming you number one might be better.



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