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12.12.2012by: Cherry Liquor

The Sexy Ten Spot: Hottest Joss Whedon Characters

My buddy Dave is celebrating a birthday today, on this very special 12/12/12. Firefly hit its 10th anniversary this year. Dave loves that show. Dave loves most all things Whedon. But this isn't just about Dave. I happen to dig on Whedon characters as well and I know I'm not alone. Enjoy!

10 - Billy (Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog)

Oh crap, she's starting with a dude! She's starting with a dude! I imagine some of you will be freaking out right now but I'm not starting with just any dude. It's Dr. Horrible, that misunderstood, ill-conceived villain who just for once wanted to get the girl. Speaking of which... Fave quote: "And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie. "

10 - Penny (Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog)

My dad has taken to getting quite weird in his older age. I remember a guy who didn't go out of his way to look things up on the interwebs or take note of what was popular or trendy but somehow he took to DR. HORRIBLE'S SING-ALONG BLOG before I did, telling me that it was, I quote, "A very funny piece about a girl, a superhero and an awesome villain." That and I saw him glaze over whenever Penny took to the screen. My dad, a grown man, was mooning over this 3 piece series. So for him, here's Penny. Fave quote: "He's a really good looking guy and I thought he was kind of cheesy at first."

9 - Alpha (Dollhouse)

When Alpha was finally introduced to the ill-fated "Dollhouse," (that being the show itself, not what they referred to in the show as the housing unit for the dolls) He took it hard and he took it fast. I give most of the credit to the actor behind the role. If you don't love Alan Tudyk, you probably don't have a pulse. But the greatness with which Alpha sweeps in, takes over and makes the previously sorta silly show into a dark and dirty place, it makes you not so much so for watching it or liking it. Fave quote: "There are many parts of me that know this is wrong. None of them care. And six... they just find it funny."

9 - Zoe (Firefly)

I have to add Zoe to this list. I grew to love the character slowly but now that I'm at a point in my life where one of my friends has an ex-wife who used to say she was "Zoe" whenever the question of "Which character from 'Firefly' are you?" would come up on some Facebook post and I feel downright offended at her proclamation. Zoe was tough, this woman is all hot air. Zoe was to the point, this woman can talk for an hour straight on how she paints her own nails... without anyone asking or caring. Zoe was beautiful in leather, covered up but sexy without showing any skin, this woman once took her deflated ass and saggy tits to a burlesque show, lingerie and all, and had half the attendees making that pretend barf motion. So on behalf of Zoe, I salute you. You're a rare breed of woman who should never, ever be compared to some dime-store wannabe. Fave Quote: "If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

8 - Oz (BTVS)

I think Joss Whedon just might have a thing for redheads. Alyson Hannigan, Felicia Day, Christina Hendricks, Scarlett Johansson (yes, I know some of those are dyed). Even the redheaded male characters on his shows get the most choice lines. Oz wasn't on "Buffy" for as many episodes as the rest of the cast and he wasn't entirely human, oh, and his band played shitty music. But Whedon sure did give him a lot to work with. Not just Willow, mind you. Choice character, choice personality, choice ginger goodness. Fave Quote: "Oh, don't worry. I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves."

8 - Saffron (Firefly)

Oh, young Christina Hendricks. How delicate and wonderful you were as Saffron, Malcolm Reynold's widow. If you have never watched "Firefly," first: shame on you. Second: Go watch it immediately. Third: After you do, you'll understand why I can't go into detail about Saffron. It's a delightful treasure to find out about this girl. Trust me. Fave quote: "Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts."

7 - Marty (The Cabin in the Woods)

A more logical choice for the sole character I've chosen to use from THE CABIN IN THE WOODS might have been Chris Hemsworth's Curt but that guy is overrated. I want a dude who's paranoid and reads a book with pictures. One who confuses the word "Puppeteers" with "Pop-Tarts." One who discovers he's being watched and instantly thinks he's on a reality show and that THAT will cause his parents to think he's a burn-out. Thing is, without giving any spoilers, Marty isn't just quippy stoner funny. He's a fighter against all the odds. And that is a very big turn-on for me. Fave Quote: "Statistical fact: Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they and he will bind them with ancient logics."

7 - Willow (BTVS)

Willow was a smart school girl, a dedicated vampire squad member, a witch, a vampire and... a psychic? While more of the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fans know what happened down the road in the series, all the dark and twisted turns that the ginger character took, most forget that long before it happened, Willow predicted what her future would be. Granted, I don't think she was using the word for that exact definition, but I've always found that amusing. Fave Quote: "It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay."

6 - Victor (Dollhouse)

If you haven't watched or didn't care to watch "Dollhouse," you're probably going to think me mad. Thing is, the show ran for only 27 episodes (my lucky number) and made a pretty big impact on me, flaws and all. The fact that it made me care more about its characters, including the sweet Victor who could morph into any personality imprinted on him (Enver Gjokaj is a positively amazing actor, beautifully and seamlessly going through personalities, accents, and looks throughout the series. Totally baffled why this guy isn't a huge star other than the exotic last name.) than so many other of the Joss Whedon shows that other people preferred. Victor is a short, buff little hottie with one of those big noses that I personally find irresistible on a man. Fave Quote: "'As help me God, I laugh when I think, how piteously a-nyght I made them swynke.' You know what that means? I have no idea, but it's wicked filthy. How about buying a girl a drink before you swynke?

6 - Sierra (Dollhouse)

As I've mentioned throughout this top ten (as you're discovering, it grew into a monstrous top 21), I was really drawn in by "Dollhouse" and aside from "Firefly," it remains one of Joss' most impacting shows on me. The thing that was roughest to handle was finding out the backstory on Sierra, how she'd come to be a part of the dollhouse and how really screwed up and unfair that was. Whedon has always told his fans that what they want isn't always what they need, but I hold Sierra close to my heart with a deep desire to protect her, even though she's only a character. Fave Quote: "Speaking of sci-fi, can we play with the sleepies? Come on, Topher. We could have them battle one another and bet on them like gladiators."

5 - Jayne (Firefly)

I've got to make mention that while I most definitely would jump on Jayne Cobb's neanderthal bones and ride him with a lusty "YEE-HAW!" I'm also colored by the fact that one of my favorite movies of all time is MY BODYGUARD, back when Adam Baldwin was young and that as I aged and watched him age over the years, he just got better and better looking and always turned in fantastic performances. There's a reason why there's a shitty town named Jaynestown. Not just because of that dropped money, either. Fave quote: "Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'..."

5 - Kaylee (Firefly)

Sweet, dear Kaylee. The girl who cuddled up to Inara every time she came back from an engagement, who wished her to have "good sex!" whenever she would leave for one. The Kaylee who pined for Simon over the course of the series and found the will to live during the movie SERENITY when Simon FINALLY admitted that he wanted to plow her like crazy. (OK, so maybe he said it nicer.) She could fix an engine, maneuver delicate parts around without blinking an eye, endlessly was optimistic in the face of her Captain's angst. Kaylee is the reason why "Firefly" fans refer to Capt. Mal as Captain TightPants. I love Kaylee. Fave quote: "Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!"

4 - Angel (BTVS & Angel)

I never had a thing for Angel, not when he was featured on Buffy (especially his reaction and dealings with her after they have sex in "Innocence"). I have a thing for Booth, but that's a completely different dude. The best thing I can say is that David Boreanaz is a really good-looking dude. But I'm focusing on characters and honestly Angel wasn't the best. He ranks for looks, not for anything else. Fave quote: "There are three things I don't do: tan, date, and sing in public."

4 - Echo (Dollhouse)

I've given some weight to the show "Dollhouse," and even to the character of Echo, a doll who doesn't remember who she really is anymore or where she came from, and is played most of the time rather melodramatically by Eliza Dushku. When I first started watching the show I hated her character. By the time that I finished all that had been made of it, she was the first character I missed. Fave quote: "Hey, save it! And don't hand me any more of your crap about being some superior, ascended being. To ascend to anything, at minimum, you don't cut up women! "

3 - Wash (Firefly)

I love Hoban "Wash" Washburne. I love that he always had a never-ending amount of clever things to say, that he was madly in love with his wife but also managed to be a realistic man who looked (but didn't touch) from time to time. I like his loyalty, his innate ability to be a leaf on the wind and land Serenity safely, no matter the circumstances. Plus, have I mentioned I am in love with Alan Tudyk? Fave quoteS: "Right. Less talking. She's terse - I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic." AND "That's right, of course. 'Cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I could always say that I was flying the ship by accident." AND "I wish I was somebody else right now, somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky." OK, OK, I'll stop there.

3 (tie) - Faith (BTVS)

I don't personally like Faith. Like, at all. The character always annoyed me and even in her comic book series (which I was able to sneakily read before the comic store guy got all "You gotta buy that, this isn't a library!" on me) she continues to be a pesky little trollop. I did like this burning, topless art of her though. I think it's because she's not speaking. However, I'll be burned at the stake by the Whedonites if I don't place her in at least the top 3. Fave quote: "You don't gotta be virgin or anything, right? Cuz that could be a problem."

3 - Buffy (BTVS)

There's a part of me that will always prefer the movie version of Buffy Summers over the television one. Sue me. I remember going to see that film, with a boyfriend, at a movie theater in my home town that has long since been torn down because it dared to think it could compete against multiplexes with its measly 5 screens. (Yes, I remember all the details. Trust me, you wouldn't want to live in my brain.) But since the writing for the TV series was so great and so extensive, I can't deny that the small screen Buffy had her perks too. Fave quote: "Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way." (Darla replies, "That's fine with me.") "Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content."

2 - Spike (BTVS & Angel)

That's right, Spikey baby, you're number two. The good number two, as in I love the accent, love that you convinced Buffy to be into you after Angel left, hate that crap you pulled trying to force Buffy to have sex with you, and that whole neutering thing? You took it with such wonderful aplomb. Notice how you're ranked higher than Angel? I thought you would. Fave quote: "Welcome to the planet. We all paint on our happy faces every day, when all we really want is to pound the neighbor's missus, steal his Ben Franklins, and while we're at it NOT think about the third of the world that's starvin' to death."

2 - Cordelia (BTVS & Angel)

See that ass? That ass is the reason why Cordy will always beat out the other bitches (meant in the most bitch-to-bitch respectful kind of way) from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," series. Yes, I understand this is one of the only images I'm using that is really from a Maxim layout but it was purposefully taken to highlight her character in that issue. Seriously! LOOK. AT. DAT. ASS! Fave quote: "When you do find him, you may wanna be a little more Guy Pearce in L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and a little less Michael Madsen in RESERVOIR DOGS."

1 - Captain Malcolm Reynolds

Hell yes, Captain Tightpants is my number one. Do any of you dispute my choice? Hell, he was willing to be Captain Nopants while thwarting Saffron and her ruffian ways. He was loyal to his crew, didn't just sleep with any woman, didn't take no shit from no body, and overall is just handsome, funny and the Whedon character I would most want to be a real person. Fave quote: "Y'all got on this boat for different reasons, but y'all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything, I know this - they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave."

1 - Inara (Firefly)

If ever there was a character who made me believe that being a space whore was an awesome profession, it was Inara on "Firefly." With her exotic, delicate beauty and deep, sturdy gazes, it was no coincidence that she was one of the most sought after companions in space. And especially none that Capt. Tightpants was constantly trying to prevent her from working. Fave quote: "I don't suppose you'd find it up to the standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues."



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