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05.15.2013by: Cherry Liquor

The Sexy Ten Spot: Hot For Teachers

You're probably going to open up this gallery of my top ten choices for hottest cinematic teachers and think I've gone bonkers. It wouldn't have been the first time. I'm familiar with how my opinion tends to bend in a different direction than the majority rule. However, there are times when I feel I strike a nerve some of you out there who are looking for just this something different. Something a wee bit controversial in our little enclosed Schmoe world. And to those of you, this top ten is for you.

#10 - Mark Wahlberg - THE HAPPENING

He tried to do something different. He wanted to play a teacher. He has later mocked and made fun of the very movie that he was in. But what I really want to know is - DON'T YOU ALL WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEES?!?!?!?!

#9 - Kevin Kline - THE EMPEROR'S CLUB

This movie depressed me, but definitely not for the regal quality that the ever-delicious, no matter what age he is, Kevin Kline brought to it. It's because I'm an idealist much like Mr. Hundert was and I also despise those who get what they want just because they have the money to buy it. Hell, this was a toss-up for me between Kevin and Jay Thomas from MR. HOLLAND'S OPUS because what a great damn football coach he was. Gotta give it to the brain in the long run.

#8 - Seann William Scott - BALLS OUT: GARY THE TENNIS COACH

If you haven't seen this wickedly twisted romp through the world of high school tennis and just exactly what kind of a guy the funds-deprived school system will take upon their shoulders to have a tennis coach, then you haven't seen this movie. It's straight up weird, often uncomfortable and yet I see that mo that Seann William Scott and I just feel my bottom aching for him to show me his backhand on it. He got me jonesin' for a mustache ride...

#7 - Antonio Banderas - TAKE THE LEAD

He's been Puss in Boots and he has sex with Melanie Griffith in the years beyond when she was hot. There's a lot of crap that can be talked about Antonio Banderas, but because my white girl ass can't dance and back in 2006 he was still hot and not just the Nasonex Bee, I'd gladly have taken the hand of dance teacher Pierre Dulaine and let him get me all good and sweaty.

#6 - Denzel Washington - THE GREAT DEBATERS

A college professor who teaches his black students that they have the power, ability and RIGHT to debate amongst other all-white college students? That's sort of hard to look over, even if Denzel has been playing essentially the same character for who knows how many years. Between this movie and his role as a football coach in REMEMBER THE TITANS, this is one Denzel Washington who knows what he's doing.

#5 - Jason Segel - BAD TEACHER

Hey Coach Gettis - I'll hold your balls and I won't even ask you to sign my stupid yearbook just to do so. I grew up around teachers. Newsflash to those who didn't: they're real people. They're not some kind of special breed of human being who hold more power over you just because they can keep you from passing P.E. Did I know teachers who smoked pot? I don't have definitively proof other than my junior year when Young Mr Hill took a sip of a wheat grass smoothie and declared it to taste "like bong water." Forget Diaz in this. I'm hopping on the P.E. teacher and holding on to dem balls.


Having grown up the daughter of an 8th grade English teacher, I'm usually not all hot on that tip. But when it's Paul Rudd playing the encouraging and demanding of greatness that he believes his student Charlie to have in THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER, let's just say that I want that tie of his around the foot of my bed while I read him some Huxley and explain the pain of going through life's cruel lessons. If I get an answer wrong, will you spank me, Mr. Anderson?

#3 - Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON

Crack is whack. So is the fact that Ryan Gosling didn't win an Oscar for portraying that inner-city school teacher with a drug habit in HALF NELSON. Is the movie depressing as hell? Yes. Is there anyone on this planet who can look better than Ryan G, all strung out but full of young teacher verve? Hells to the no. Mr. Dunne, please tell me that you need to see me after class.

#2 - Jon Stewart - THE FACULTY

Professor Edward Furlong. Gosh, I can't tell you how long I've yearned to watch creepy shit swim around in a tank of water and cause you bodily harm. Granted, I'm fortunate enough to have met Jon Stewart at a taping of "The Daily Show" when I was out in New York last year, but thinking about that eye patch and your wicked little smile as you flash your pink donut with sprinkles to prove that everything is A-OK now? Do you take appointments for after school tutoring?

#1 - Harrison Ford - Indiana Jones Movies

Let's overlook the fact that if there was a man who was going to look this good at the ripe age of nearly 40 (and that was for the first installment, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK) was this two-bit treasure hunter with more verbal quips than bulging muscles. Let's instead remember that first and foremost - Indiana Jones was a professor. With those glasses and everything. The tame eyelids of that one student wouldn't have compared to how I would have seduced Mr. Jones.



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