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08.31.2011by: Randy the Ram

The Sexy Six: Striptease Edition

As promised in the previous entry of The Sexy Six (The Most Overrated Hotties) today we’ll be taking a strip bar run around movieland and search for those girls who can move it, shake it & grind it. So grab your popcorn and find out which actresses have what it takes to work as a stripper.


Before it came out, this was a very talked about scene, it was a make it or break it moment for Lindsay Lohan but unfortunately it all went downhill from here. At least we get some tit shots here and there and I do like her sexy, somewhat revealing, outfit unfortunately it’s a very crappy scene in a very badly made film. It tries way too hard to portray Lohan outside that innocent image she used to have, all while having it displayed in the slowest way possible. Lilo's act just seems so boring and stripping is NOT supposed to be boring! Nobody will judge you if you stopped watching halfway through. A total missed opportunity.


NOW we’re getting somewhere, I don’t know if they used a double, but Jessica Biel looks like a PRO as she gives an excellent performance (stripping wise of course) where she pulls all kinds of tricks, turns & sexy twirls in this scene from the movie POWDER BLUE. It’s the film you’ll always get when you Google “Naked Beal”. On the other side of things, this is only getting an honorable mention because I'm not really a fan of those strippers that do acrobatics and interpretative dancing and that’s what happens in here, take that shit to the theater (and/or the circus). All I want is some sexy dancing, to see them humping the air and rubbing themselves while they take their clothes off. Is that too much to ask? The same thing happened with Demi Moore’s striptease in STRIPTEASE (I felt obligated to at LEAST mention STRIPTEASE).

6. Natalie Portman - CLOSER

I really don’t find Natalie Portman truly “HOT," I find her to be cute and an interesting individual but as for her sultriness, it’s only been exposed within two moments in her career that have put her in the sexy map. One is that BLACK SWAN lesbian scene (a bit of foreshadowing for the next Sexy Six) and the other is this scene from CLOSER. A scene I find especially interesting since it features a post strip moment although it still has plenty of ass shots, Portman in sluttish clothes, dirty talk and clever framing tricks to make us overuse our imagination. Alas, it won’t get a higher placing precisely because around here we don’t want to use our f*cking imaginations. SHUT UP CLIVE OWEN, WE WANT TO SEE NATALIE DANCE AND TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES DAMMIT!

5. Christina Applegate – KISS OF FIRE

Oh hey it’s Kelly Bund... err, Christina Applegate! I never thought I’d be seeing her in one of my columns but here she is, in full Lolita costume complete with lollipop and stuffed bear (I got something you can stuff right here!). It gets hotter as she dances off her outer layer of clothes while sporting that stripper look that tells me she’s bored as crap and that she does it to pay the rent but what the hell, might as well get into it and get into it she does as she rides that stripper pole like a boss! The only downside to the scene is that the skimpy outfit she reveals underneath consists of some big ass granny panties (on the other hand they can probably hold a lot more money).

4. Salma Hayek – FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

I’m pretty sure everyone has seen this. I’ve even featured it before and yes, it’s motherf*cking sexy. There’s just a bunch of reasons why it doesn’t make it to the top, it’s overplayed, yeah it’s COOL but I really don’t find it THAT hot (may I direct you to my overrated list again?) then there’s Quentin Tarantino sucking on Salma’s Feet which you know he’s genuinely enjoying it, maybe a little too much, it’s kind of icky to be honest and let’s not forget that after her dance Salma turns into a butt ugly vampire and starts eating people along with other gore happy vamps. Still... that’s what I call a f*cking show!

To complete your Salma stripping video needs I propose you click here

3. Jessica Alba - SIN CITY

On the overrated list, many of you mentioned Jessica Alba and I quite agree, but if there’s something that saved her from being featured is this already classic fantastic scene from SIN CITY. Sure, the hardcore fans will raise their fist in the air and proclaim that she doesn’t get naked like in the comics but if there’s one thing Alba CAN do (because honey, you can’t act for shit) is shake her rump. That moment where the air is flowing through her hair, where we see her hips swing from side to side, showcasing her sexy midriff, that moment before she opens her mouth, is all sorts of magical.

2. Rose McGowan – PLANET TERROR

It seems Robert Rodriguez REALLY knows about strippers, 50% of today’s six entries are comprised of Rodriguez’ films! Whatever the quality of his films at least these stripper scenes have some flavor to them (unlike today’s dishonorable mention). The one from PLANET TERROR is by far my favorite. It’s the one with the most style and “attitude”. We see Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling, a stripper you can tell LOVES what she does, she has fun on the stage, this girl not only twirls and shakes, she rubs and bends and her go-go moves are even kind of cute. I also believe the colors, the 70’s feel and that scratched and twitchy look gives the scene a seedier look that doubles the hotness quotient.

Notice the boob shot the moment the credits for The Crazy Babysitter TWINS appears.


Rodriguez knows strip clubs but Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (the CRANK directors) probably lived in one. They gave us a lascivious Amy Smart playing somewhat against type, since the first CRANK she was no longer the innocent girl she used to play, she started to evolve into a sex oozing super freak. This scene puts her right in the middle of a sweaty performance where she ends up with some tight boyshorts and some pieces of black tape to cover her nipples. Add some tight ass and boob shots, sprinkle it with some bits of goofy dancing and just like Cherry Darling, a genuine enjoyment of what she’s doing and we have a winner folks.

If a stripper spanks herself and cracks a smile, I know she’s at least enjoying herself and that way I know I shouldn’t feel bad for her. I should just feel myself.



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