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11.10.2010by: Randy the Ram

The Sexy Six: Jessica Alba

Time for the Sexy Six to focus on one of its most featured hotties: Jessica Alba. She’s been on people’s mouths as of late, being the center of a few controversies. First her undies were digitally removed for MACHETE which caused internet movie fans to question if they had a CGI fetish now. Then she went and opened her stupid mouth (again) and made a lot of screenwriters angry. Personally, at one point I had her on top of my hotties list, my personal Sexy Six, plus she has been the only actress that I’ve paid just to see her shake her booty on the screen. Sadly those days are gone. Somehow after getting preggers, a slew of shitty movies and a sour public image, her sexiness has been dwindling, and I've been forced to ask myself whether it's worth it to go see her films. So what better place than here, what better time than now to review Ms. Alba’s path to fame Moviehotties style by revising her sexiest roles.


This movie is a big pile of stinky poop but what I concluded after seeing it is that it wasn’t Alba’s fault. I honestly think her character was cute and not just in the physical way, they portray the character as very clumsy and it fits the actress a little too well. If there’s something worth watching in this rom-com that tries way to hard to be raunchy it's Alba. Alba and her penguin underoos, Alba in a bathtub & Alba trying to seduce the protagonist (I refuse to taint my article with that dude's name).

5. Dark Angel - Max Guevara

Leave it to James Cameron to be the one responsible for unleashing a very hot but questionable actress unto the world (she earned a Golden Globe nom for crying out loud). Her role in “Dark Angel” may not be that of a film but it’s a pretty defining moment in Jessica Alba’s career. A hot, usually leather clad, heroine that could kick ass? Yes please, that’s what we horny men needed back in 2000 and it launched Alba among the top of the hottie ladder.

4. MACHETE - Sartana Rivera

Sure it's deceiving and it could have been so much better if Alba wasn’t such a prude and Rodriguez had stuck with the original story line; she could have been playing twins with a lot more sexy sex scenes in between. Many of us though we were finally seeing ol' Jess “never nude” naked, unfortunately it turned out it was all scary computer wizardry, but you know what? That tingling sensation I felt in my pants during that scene was authentic, and while hers is one of the worst characters from MACHETE it will forever go into cinematic history as that scene where Alba was naked but wasn't (side boob FTW).

3. HONEY - Honey Daniels

A girl has to save her community by dancing and thank god it was Jessica Alba. Only the power of those revolving hips hypnotized me into watching HONEY in its entirety (you can say I was hipsnotized... no? OK, moving on). While swinging hips, booty shakes and sweaty abs of steel slow-mo dancing are all big turn ons, unfortunately this is the film where we started seeing Alba’s histrionic “talents”.


I could write a whole essay on why INTO THE BLUE is the most dumb but at the same time most genius film but I'll simplify it into one sentence. You'll be able to see all angles of Jessica Alba in a bikini for more than half of the movie. That is all.

1. SIN CITY - Nancy Callahan

Predictable I know, but this is the defining moment in Jessica Alba’s hotness. Sure she probably looked more innocent than her graphic novel counterpart and worse yet a lot less nude (Jessica Prudey strikes again), but damn does the girl know how to move. As a cowboy themed stripper with some crotchless chaps and a lasso, who moves like she has the devil inside and can make you cum just by looking at you, I don’t find it surprising she has all those bar patrons staring even if she’s refusing to take it all of.

In conclusion, I'd still hit it. My theory is that Alba's in an emperor's new clothes type of situation where people are afraid to say that her acting sucks so she honestly believes she's good at her craft and that she became famous because of talent. She should just stick to being pretty because that has worked in the past, whether she's shooting for cuteness or sexiness I think she can pull it off as long as she avoids acting worried when speaking to surfers who are silver.

Remember, this is just some horn dog's opinion, feel free to post down below your favorite Jessica Alba roles, moments or the hateful things you'd say if she was in front of you.



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