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Hottie Report Card: Zooey Deschanel

10.23.2015by: Salacious Crumb

So where does the quirkiest of the quirksters, Zooey Deschanel, rank on a grand scale of our most celebrated hotties? Don't panic. We're gonna use our traditional techniques (ogling and drooling) to find out. Many had been wondering what exactly the legendary Bill Murray had in store that was so much more important than a third GHOSTBUSTERS flick, and apparently that was ROCK THE KASBAH, which humorously blends rock 'n' roll stardom with... Afghanistan. I suppose we'll take it. It's nice to see Murray starring in his very own comedy again, even if he doesn't wind up getting covered in green slime and/or marshmallow guts. Plus Zooey's fushbowl eyes and singing voice might just make it worth the trip. To better determine this, let's put her to the test, shall we?

There's a strong likelihood that Zooey wouldn't have received this height of praise when she was starring in, let's say, THE NEW GUY. But as she herself stated, "I'm a person who gets better with practice." If you've paid attention over the years, you'd find this to be true. Zooey's clearly put in the effort to improve her style and image, even if it's in a self-gratifying or "cutesy" fashion. Of course, many have noted her resemblance to Katy Perry, who's also become more fun to lay eyes on since 2004. The only difference is Zooey didn't push the envelope by spraying whipped cream out of her cans (although, there's still time).

The estimation may be up to the eye of the beholder, but you can consider me a fan. They little Zooeys have especially been in impressive as of late, which might have something to do with her recent initiation into momhood. Even though she's managed to go this whole way through her career without treating us to a fabric-less image of her okie-dokie pokies, she's not a complete prude, either. Despite Zooey's bubbly, ukulele-strumming image, she doesn't take the gift of owning yabos for granted.

The subject of Zooey's heiny, as far as this professor knows, isn't something that's typically discussed, and that makes sense. There's not a whole lot of evidence out there to speculate on, unless you keep your eyes continuously on lookout during episodes of New Girl. I'll liken my interest for Deschanel's derriere to that of the crust of a pizza. Sure, that's not the part I'm craving, and I could leave it, but I'll still probably couple bites.

If the "fitness" subject weren't essentially a substitute for "sex appeal", Zoe might've gone up a notch here, maybe even two. She doesn't believe women should work out to be skinny, and I think most would agree. So she has the ideals when it comes to physical fitness, and she has a humbling matter-of-fact attitude when it comes to displaying her physique in photoshoots, but do you know what she doesn't have? Bikini candids. Get on a dang beach, Zooey.

From NEW GUY to New Girl, we've certainly seen a transition in Zooey and the roles she's seemed to have been typecast into. Not that her movies themselves have been consistent, bouncing back and forth from films like ALMOST FAMOUS to BIG TROUBLE, or ALL THE REAL GIRLS to ELF, or HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY to THE HAPPENING to YOUR HIGHNESS. Setting aside her "awww"-inspiring band She & Him, and her Emmy win for New Girl, Zooey's been M.I.A. as far as the big silver sceen goes. Just another reason to ROCK THE KASBAH.

Not that she's had a whole lot of trouble hiding it, but Zooey sees herself as a positive person who likes to jump around with joy. Sometimes people with these personality types can come with some baggage, and sometimes it might take (500) DAYS to realize it, but there's a pretty universal adorement for Zooey among fans as well as her colleagues. Her recently-launched, XXY-friendly website HelloGiggles.com isn't about to change that, either. Cute and quirky as she may be, I believe it's high time we just go ahead and put a stamp on it. Zooey Deschanel is hot.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Charlotte McKinney, Kate Beckinsale, Aly Michalka.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Alyssa Milano, Rhona Mitra, Natalie Martinez, Ashley Benson, Elizabeth Gillies, Odette Yustman, Kristen Stewart, Alicia Vikander, Kate Bosworth, Juno Temple.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: How would you rate this hottie, professor?
Source: MovieHotties

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