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Hottie Report Card: Sofia Vergara

05.09.2014by: Salacious Crumb

If you're a food fanatic, you may be considering stepping out of the kitchen to see Jon Favreau's CHEF this weekend. I've never been a huge fan of food-related films, or movies about the cooking industry. Nothing against them, but I never consume anything that doesn't say "Chef Boyardee" or "101 proof" on the container. But if there are two things that can get me on board, it's the lovely Sofia Vergara. The "Modern Family" star is considered a hottie by most, but how does she hold up in comparison to a university of others. Let's discuss, shall we?

There was a time when you couldn't glance at Vergara's face without instantly melting into a puddle. She was one of the first people ever cast as the real-life Lara Croft (even if it was just for some dumb credit card commercial), and she made a career off of being gorgeous early on. Of course, she's still gorgeous today, but over time all the little things she's done to maintain her image have only seemed to work against her. Now she kind of looks like the caricature version of herself, which isn't all bad. It just means she looks like an exaggerated version of a really attractive woman.

In her early modeling days, Vergara's derriere was just as celebrated as her upper-body, if not more so. There's an assload of classic butt shots to prove it, like this one, or this one, or this one, or for further analysis, this one. However, due to a probable change in diet once she hit it big, her backside has been packing slightly less of punch than it used to. It isn't a drastic change, but noticeable nonetheless. That said, you might say Sofia still has one of the most terrific tushes on campus.

If you're one of those people who thinks Vergara's rack is anything other than utterly fascinating, you should see a doctor. You're subject to your opinion, of course, but you're clearly an insane person. Sofia's jubblies have always had a splendid appeal, but they haven't always been as large as they are today. They seem to have grown little by little, along with her fame. Sofia is smart enough to realize how much she owes to her tantalizing bosom buddies; she even personally thanked her breasts for helping "Modern Family" become such a wild success. Oh, and did I mention they're 100% real? There's no denying that these are grade A double D's, all the way.

Back when we put Sofia's CHEF co-star Scarlett Johansson to the test, I graded her vocals because they make up a great amount of who she is as a hottie. I figured I'd do the same for Sofia, since her voice is obviously a big part of who she is. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect as ScarJo's, who sounds like a phone sex operator from heaven. Sofia's voice is so incredibly obnoxious, sometimes she's better experienced on mute. She can actually sound really sexy when she's not projecting so much, but ever since she became this loudmouth TV personality, she can't seem to turn it down from 11. Since there are no helpful visuals for this subject, a picture of Sofia in a bikini will do just fine.

Sofia is currently the highest-paid actress on television, and has received multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. That's all well and good, but pan over to her movie career and what have you got? You've got THE SMURFS, THE THREE STOOGES, NEW YEARS EVE and the recent FADING GIGOLO, which is already fading out of theaters. I'm not saying she's a lousy actress, and hey, maybe she'll surprise us all in CHEF, and by this time next year they'll be announcing Disney's URSULA, starring Sofia Vergara.

I've always wanted to really like Sofia, and I do, for the most part. Even with that voice, I like that she's confident and comfortable with being made fun of, and she even gets pretty witty on occasion. My only real frustration is she's a cash-grabbing advertisement junkie, and she admits it. She's proud of it, even. Now, I know she used to be the face and boobs of Miller Light back in the day, so not much has changed. But now she's signed to Diet Pepsi, K-Mart, CoverGirl, State Farm, Comcast's Xfinity, Rooms To Go, Synthroid, and the list keeps growing. She has so many endorsement contracts you'd think she was in NASCAR. I understand to a degree, but let's hope she isn't scheming to make all this commercial money so she can hide away on her own tropical island when she turns 50. On second thought, Sofia Vergara Island... that doesn't sound so bad!

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