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Hottie Report Card: Sienna Miller

03.06.2015by: Salacious Crumb

Today's Hottie Report Card marks the end of an unexpected trilogy of "Blonde Hotties Who've Played the Wives of Troubled Men in Best Picture Nominees", the first being Rosamund Pike (GONE GIRL), followed by last week's Margot Robbie (THE WOLF OF WALL STREET). This week's hottie student, who coincidentally meets the same criteria, is none other than Sienna Miller (AMERICAN SNIPER, FOXCATCHER). You can see Miller in all her business-suited gorgeousness this weekend in the Vince Vaughn comedy UNFINISHED BUSINESS, which will most likely be nominated for zero Oscars, but you never know (maybe Idina Menzel wrote a song for it). Anyone who's a fan of Sienna would probably agree she could use some extra attention, not just as an actress, but as a hottie. So let's all put on our ogling caps and get down to examining this student body.

There's a reason Sienna has consistently been cast as some lucky/unlucky guy's significant other, and that's because there's not a man on the planet who wouldn't feel the least bit of contentment waking up to the sight of her face every morning. (Yes, even if you just woke up from a Call of Duty-esque dream brought on by PTSD). Sienna's mug has all the qualities one would expect from a perfect movie wife, with just the right amount of cuteness mixed with just the right amount of attitude. It's as if she were genetically engineered by Goldie Lox. Everything is juuust right.

I was close to giving Sienna a significantly higher grade in this category, but I know how seriously you schmoes take your celebrity butts. Let me just clarify that if I were to spot Sienna from any angle in person, my tongue would indeed be tasting the floor. Her backside may not be considered her greatest quality, but when it comes to this category, that's rarely the case. While some may argue that there just isn't enough photographic evidence to make the call, let me assure you, the evidence is out there (and here, too).

Once again, I have trouble finding anything remotely negative to say about boobs of any sort (they do feed babies, after all), and this scenario is no different. She doesn't make a spectacle out of them like some other, even less-endowed hotties, but she doesn't need to. While Sienna generally stays pretty modest when it comes to "dressing up the gals", so to speak, at least she's made them no stranger to the silver screen. For this, we should be extremely thankful, and other hotties should take note of her bravery.

To be honest, I've been guilty of neglecting Sienna's undeniable hotness as much as the next guy, but that all changed once I started searching for pictures of the woman. For someone who seems like the perfect girl to bring home to mom, she has quite a handful of photoshoots that might suggest otherwise. Nothing too provocative, and certainly far from trashy, but Sienna seems to be well aware of her magnifecent physique. I would bend her over a barrell and show her the fifty states, if you know what I mean... so long as she's flexible.

There's no question that Sienna holds some impressive acting gigs on her resume, especially after last year. The real tragedy is that, despite her tremendous efforts, not enough people seem to be familiar with the lady. Aside from the above-mentioned FOXCATCHER and AMERICAN SNIPER, Sienna's been a part of a handful of fan favorites including LAYER CAKE, FACTORY GIRL, STARDUST and others. I suppose it makes sense for her to take on flicks like UNFINISHED BUSINESS just to get her face out there, but I have a feeling this hottie's still in the up-and-coming phase. Fingers crossed.

Another thing Sienna has in common with our two previous students is they're all foreign actresses who played American women. For every obvious reason, and some unknown, I absolutely love English hotties, so Sienna is lucky enough to get some automatic bonus points just for that. However, I say "lucky" because I really don't know too much else about Sienna to begin with. She just hasn't "blown up" to the point where I've seen her in a bunch of interviews, but that's not her fault, not to mention that's likely to change sooner than later. Either way, putting this column together has made a believer out of me, so hopefully I've gotten a couple of you schmoes hooked on her as well. Keep it up, Miller!

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

 

Extra Tidbit: How would YOU grade this hottie, professor?

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