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Hottie Report Card: Sandra Bullock

07.12.2013by: Salacious Crumb

If there's an ideal time of year to test-run a brand new "school"-themed column, it's obviously the middle of July, right? In the Hottie Report Card, we'll take a look at particular hottie/celebrity and discuss where they stand on the hot-o-meter by "grading" them in six different categories. Sounds simple enough, right? Kinda like "The Body Shop" from back in the day, only now we're measuring their hottie status with the grading system instead of hotdogs. Plus, it'll give us a chance to check up on particular hotties in their current state. And since she's somewhat relevant right now, why not start with a hottie who's known by all? Let's go with Miss Congeniality herself, Sandra Bullock...

Okay, so there's no question that Bullock is more beautiful than any woman who's ever given me an actual, working phone number. But on a grand scale of hotties whose faces span from "pretty" to "stunning" to "Sweet Jeebus!", it's tough to imagine handing Sandra anything higher than a "B" in this category. She's always reminded me of Fran Drescher's hotter, more tolerable cousin for some reason, which I guess isn't saying much. Plus it's clear she's had a little surgical help over the years, although at least it was well done, and nothing too over-the-top. Plus, she doesn't look like she's sucked on half as many lemons as say, Renee Zellweger. Just sayin'.

Bullock's buttocks are... actually quite nice, displaying a great deal of stability and firmness. The only problem?: we never get to see it. The downside is that her backside is rarely utilized on camera the way sloths like myself wish it'd be. That's a shame, too, because otherwise it may be considered one of Sandra's best features. There have been moments we've gotten a glimpse or two, but not nearly enough to counterbalance the HUGELY disappointing lack of swimsuit appearances over the years. What's the deal, Sandra?

While she's packing a fair amount of goods from behind, there's not a whole lot to be celebrated on the front-end. Don't get me wrong, Sandra's bewbs match her body pretty well, and would look a little cartoonishly unproportionate if they were bigger. But if you find yourself obsessed with what's up top, she'll pretty much strike you as a mediocre hottie. Sandra's rack strikes me as nothing more or less than simply adequate, thus the grade given.

It's no secret that Bullock is toit like a toiger. To my knowledge, she hasn't let herself go even once in her history of being chased down by the paps. Though she's not one to go off giving health tips on daytime talk shows, clearly whatever she's doing is working pretty well. Even today, at 48-years-old (turning 49 in a couple weeks), Sandra looks ten years younger. She keeps her lean figure in check, whether by exercising, eating healthy, or perhaps none of the above. The world may never know.

After starring in '90's action cheese-terpieces like DEMOLITION MAN and SPEED, Sandra started bringing in big box office bucks playing the romantic love interest in several of her following films. There's not an aspiring actor out there who isn't familiar with Sandra's movies, even if not all of them were zingers (SPEED 2, PREMONITION, ALL ABOUT STEVE, MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED & FABULOUS). Plus she's gone on to leave a permanent mark in the industry by winning an Academy Award for THE BLIND SIDE. Lately, with her successful comedy THE HEAT, and what appears to be an intense voyage in the upcoming GRAVITY, Sandra's career probably won't be crashing into the ground anytime soon. 

This is where Sandra may just save herself from falling down the slippery slope of a sloppy "C"-student. Despite being practically type-cast as a strong female character in many of her projects, Sandra has never let us forget she's a woman. She's believable as a cop, an undercover agent and the boss of a large organization, but doesn't need to pretend to be "just like one of the guys" to do so. The sex appeal is always there, and is only emphasized by her more fun, down-to-earth side which can be seen more off the screen than on it.

Extra Tidbit: How would you have graded this hottie?


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