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Hottie Report Card: Reese Witherspoon

05.08.2015by: Salacious Crumb

In a day and age where original comedies starring females are desperately needed, HOT PURSUIT is pretty much the best Hollywood can do on such short notice. I guess we'll find out whether or not it gives the green light for more comedy pairings of A-list actresses. This one stars Modern Family's Sofia Vergara (check out her report card right here) and the legally blonde Reese Witherspoon. Reese has been known for playing a teacher's pet in ELECTION, and let me just say, she's already on my good side. Of course, Reese has been a movie hottie champion for quite some time, so to make things fair to the other hotties in the class, I'll only be using pics that date back to no earlier than 2012. As if that matters, anyway...

I suppose I have a soft spot for Reese's cheerleader-like perkiness, all the more emphasized by her  smile. Of course, these sentiments may have held more truthful in Reese's younger years, but she's actually aged rather nicely if you think about it. You can speculate all you want on what her bikini body is like these days, but the beauty working above the shoulders doesn't leave much room  for debate.

I'm sort of at a crossroads of emotions, because I'm certain Reese's backside has distracted me from the plots of many movies in the past. That said, this is yet another case of there not being enough photographic evidence. How can we fully apprecriate a celebrity's derriere if they don't bring it to "show and tell"? I can't stress this enough, students. Hopefully, after Reese inevitabley stumbles upon this column, we'll start to see some progression in this subject in the coming years.

I'm aware that the differentiation between Reese's and Sofia's cup sizes plays as a comedic tool, at least in the trailer for HOT PURSUIT, but I have always been a firm admirer. Back in her heyday, I doubt such jokes would have been as effective, let alone made any sense. There are jokes about her boobs being big in LEGALLY BLONDE, so it's all in the eye of the beholder, I guess. Nevertheless, I still consider myself a fan of Reese's pieces (sorry, it had to be done).

We all know Reese was tight like a tiger back the day, and as is the case with many hotties, she's done an outstanding job of maintaining her figure. Now if you want to email me some pictures of Reese at the beach in Spring of 2009 or whatever, do so. It won't make a difference to this grade, because according to her latest public appearances for HOT PURSUIT, I'd say Sofia's hourglass figure has been having a chameleon effect on her.

This one's a bit tough, as I've admittedly enjoyed many of Reese's earlier films (PLEASANTVILLE, ELECTION, CRUEL INTENTIONS and FREEWAY to name a few), but as the case is with any lengthy filmography, they can't all be Zingers. However, even her more mediocre flicks (FOUR CHRISTMASES) wind up finding an audience among most of our parents. Then you have last year's WILD, for which Reese received much critical acclaim, so there's that. With that in mind, her role in HOT PURSUIT doesn't seem to be taking her career a step forward nor backward, but at least she supposedly makes out with Sofia in one scene. Ticket sold.

I feel like an asshole anytime my grades my suggest anyone else is an asshole. Of course, if you watch TMZ religiously, shame on you. Also, if you watch TMZ religiously, you may know that Reese has had at least one unfriendly encounter with a police officer... and now she's playing one in a motion picture (take that, the law). However, she's never gone "off the rails" as far as we know, and she has a genuine kindness when it comes to doing interviews. Granted, she only sticks around when she has something to promote, but that's understandable. She's a busy girl, I'd imagine.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.


Extra Tidbit: How do YOU rate this hottie, professor?


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