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Hottie Report Card: Paula Patton

09.13.2013by: Salacious Crumb

It looks like we're going with Movie Fan Central schmoe Jay Beezy's pick for this week's "Report Card", for suggesting the exuberantly sexy Paula Patton. Don't worry, I liked all the gals you suggested, and will definitely find a place for them in the near future. I picked Paula this time around for a couple of reasons. For one, she's currently in-between film releases right now, with 2 GUNS still in theaters, and BAGGAGE CLAIM due out at the end of this month. For two, she's married to someone the media can't seem to shut up about at the moment, Beetlejuice Robin Thicke. You know, that hairy turd with sunglasses permanently glued to his face? Well, let's forget about that guy for a moment, and let's ogle some pictures of his wife!

If Hayley Atwell and Sofia Vergara made love, wouldn't that just be a splendid thing to catch on tape? And if somehow (let's leave the mechanics out of this) they were able to create another being containing the same DNA as each other, I imagine that being's face would be similar to Paula Patton's. That's an exhaustingly roundabout way of saying Paula's beauty is too much for just one woman. Am I in the wrong here?

Those of you who caught 2 GUNS over the summer were rewarded with what is probably the best shot of Paula's rambunctious rump to date. Unfortunately, this is yet another case of Shy Buttocks syndrome, although we did get a delightful view when Paula took a trip to the beach. I wouldn't mind Patton that. Still not quite enough to brand it with a 100%, but enough to keep hopeless neckbeards like myself craving more.

I'd like to claim that baggage (or lack thereof, I should say?). While it's pretty obvious Paula puts a lot of pressure on her gals to create friction together at big events, I can't say I don't enjoy looking. It may be forced, but it's some of the most magnificent cleavage I've set eyes upon. You might even say she's got 2 BIG'UNS. Okay, I'll shut up now.

Each of the above qualities are all the more improved by Paula's outstandingly vigorous physique. She seems to have a load of energy, and thickness in all the right places. There was a moment where she started to go a tad boney on us, but now she appears to be back in full form. She'd be a delicious Donner Party treat, I wouldn't know which part to throw on the fryer first. Probably the pork shoulder. (Go ahead and write your letters, recovering cannibals).

Paula just made a name for herself in Hollywood not too long ago, landing her first major roles being in DÉJÀ VU and IDLEWILD in 2006. Since then, her filmography has leapfrogged from supernatural horror (MIRRORS) to award-winning drama (PRECIOUS) to action-packed popcorn flicks (M:I - GHOST PROTOCOL, 2 GUNS). Her resume isn't dense, but she's certainly made a lot of slick career moves in a short amount of time. Still, I foresee it will take a couple years before Paula truly shines.

I hate to be so critical of a lesser-known hottie, but while Paula has exceptional physical qualities, my interest goes into a tailspin after hearing her talk for 5 minutes. While I don't disagree with some of her statements ("Nudity is Beautiful!!! Violence is ugly."), they're often phrased in the words of an insane person. I don't care that her hubby is a tool, I don't even care about that "twerking" stint with Hanna Montana. What really rustles my jimmies is she actually thinks her husband's music is art, and overlooks the fact that he sometimes gets overly friendly with other women. Sometimes I can't tell if she sees herself as Paula Patton: actress, or just as Robin Thicke's uber-hot wife. Wait, which one is she again?

Extra Tidbit: What do you grade this hottie?

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