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Hottie Report Card: Mila Kunis

02.06.2015by: Salacious Crumb

After all the hoopla made over its long and massive production, the Wachowski brothers' JUPITER ASCENDING is in theaters at last, and just about everyone else on this planet could care less. Results may vary when it comes to the general audience's opinion of the movie, and we may not get a clear estimate until at least the weekend is through. The only matter of opinion worthy of immediate discussion right this very instant is whether or not Mila Kunis is a hot enough female lead to distract us from a potentially lousy film. Well, is she? Again, results may vary, so please feel free to state your piece in the comments. So, without further adieu, let's put on our studying caps and begin this examination of Mila's most outstanding achievements in hotness (with lots of respect, of course).

The way she lights up with laughter. Those big, round, fishbowl eyes. Those boney cheeks. Mila could’ve played Gollum’s sarcastically hot daughter in the HOBBIT movies, written in for comic relief. Yes, that was somehow meant to be a compliment. I’ve always found Kunis very attractive, and with the exception of the few, most of my fellow professors seem to agree that her face is one of her best features. 

As she made her smooth transition into womanhood, Mila received some harsh opinions regarding her tush from diligent observers. After all, this was at the peak of the Kim K. generation, where gargantuan-sized butts trumped all other butts in their path by default. While she’s still a long way from hitting that bar, I’d have to believe Mila has changed some opinions over the years. I’m just thankful she’s given it more exposure, whether through various photoshoots, or scenes like these which only someone with a sick brain like mine would freeze-frame. Leather works very well for her.

Kunis used to be considered smaller-boobed gal, but I’d very much like to spend some time on second base with her. Come to think of it, who wouldn’t? Age may be partly responsible for this, but now that she’s got her official MILF badge (tax dollars well spent, by the way), we may have not seen the best this couple has to offer just yet. In fact, Mila herself recently spoke of the phenomenon, saying "-boy did these things grow! Men actually look at my boobs – I've never had that happen before – because they're just there." We're glad you appreciate us appreciating you, Mila.

However so subtly, Mila seems to have consistently deflated and inflated over the years, but typically speaking, she’s always been skinny. Sometimes too much so, depending on where you’re standing. Some might say one of the upsides to her pregnancy is at least she got some food in her. Frankly, I blame Darren Aronofsky for putting her on a diet of ice cubes and sesame seeds for 6 months prior to shooting BLACK SWAN. Lately, Kunis is looking pretty kickass, so I’m just gonna grade her as she currently stands. 

At the age of 6, Mila had started getting acting work on a regular basis, but it wasn’t until “That ’70’s Show” that it became serious. Supposedly she lied about her age in order to fit the criteria to play Jackie Burkhart, which is exactly the kinda thing Jackie would do. Since then, she’s gone on to star in movies, some of which have actually been worthwhile (BLACK SWAN, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, THE BOOK OF ELI). Many of her films seem to be debatably good or bad (TED, MAX PAYNE, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL), but unfortunately, the reviews of JUPITER ASCENDING don't appear to offer much room for debate. I’m still actually interested in seeing it for myself, but that’s mainly because Mila wears a leather dress in it. Leather works very well for her.

I’ve always found Kunis to be very sweet and delightful, despite her ongoing ignorance toward the paparazzi. It’s understandable, since she admittedly doesn’t watch much television or oblige the media in general. For example, she may or may not be married to her baby’s daddy Ashton Kutcher, as she chooses to keep that shit to herself. Speaking of which, her fling with Kutcher is the one thing that bothers me. It’s not that I hate him as much as I hate everything he represents. That said, their partnership seems to be the most sensible one either of them have had in awhile, what with Mila having dated Macaulay Culkin for several years, and Kutcher having spent many years married to Demi Moore. It was only a matter of time before Jackie and Kelso got back together again… again.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What would you grade Mila, professor?


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