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Hottie Report Card: Michelle Trachtenberg

11.22.2013by: Salacious Crumb

There is no real explanation as to why we're featuring the less glorified, but long-standing ex-"Nick chick" Michelle Trachtenberg. You can thank Movie Fan Central schmoe smacaskill for this week's hot "student" selection. Although it seems like there's a much more obvious hottie to go with this week (Oscar-winner who plays games and has mystical boobies), I'm down for some Trachtenberg. Plus, she recently took part in the made-for-TV movie KILLING KENNEDY, which has received a lot of positive buzz. So let's cut the crap and get down to what this column is really about... the pics!

Soul-piercing spectacles, pouting lips with juuust the right amount of pouty, and the occasionally freckle-sprinkled nose? As I'm looking at this face, failing in my attempts to  discover a single flaw, it really makes me ponder how Amanda Bynes was once raking in big Hollywood parts while Trachtenberg watched from afar. She's pretty flippin' gorgeous when it comes to the above-the-shoulders territory, and that's not to say she doesn't possess some excellent qualities below.

Anyone who caught EURO-TRIP knows Trachtenberg's derriere is a place of majesty and solace. If not, please take this GIF into consideration. I can be quite the judgmental professor when it comes to this category, yet I didn't hesitate once before stamping an "A" onto this particular piece of arse. Michelle never fails to showcase her rump as one of her key features at red carpet events.

I never really paid much attention before, but Michelle has grown a healthy duo of meaty mountains since her "Pete & Pete" days. While they have not yet left the confines of neatly decorated braziers, there's nothing but good things to say about Michelle's Trachtenburgers.

If you've seen photos of Michelle from the past year, you'll notice she's slapped on a few ounces of "I guess this is growing up" fat. Don't get me wrong though, she's still clearly a babe, but there's a reason she's been popping up on MovieHotties a little less frequently. Any day now, she may come out with another jaw-dropping photoshoot in Maxim, and we will start to taste the feet in our mouths. I would post one of the more recent, badly lit, slightly disappointing pics to coincide with this subject, but you schmoes don't want to see that, do you? You want to see sexy Michelle, and that's what we're going to give you. I don't know exactly what year this picture was taken, but sweet lord! 

For an actress who landed her first starring film role at 11-years-old (HARRIET THE SPY), who also isn't bad on the eyes, I'm surprised Trachtenberg hasn't broken past the point of being just semi-famous. EURO-TRIP, ICE PRINCESS, BLACK CHRISTMAS and 17 AGAIN are the biggest films she has taken part in. Michelle is a bit more well-known in the television industry, having starred in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer", "Gossip Girl, the short-lived "Mercy" and perhaps the most notable of all, the recent TV-movie KILLING KENNEDY. She's still only 28, so there's plenty of time to leave a bigger impression on the general public, whether it's in our hearts or in our pants.

I'm going to give grown-up Harriet a default "B+" in this category, mainly because I don't hear of this hottie often enough to really know her personality. From what I've discovered, she seems like a really rad chick, but that just makes me wonder why we don't see her in more shite. Perhaps she's playing it cool with her Hollywood persona and doesn't want to be constantly dancing like a monkey in the spotlight. Still, I would definitely like to see you around these parts more often, Michelle. We all would.

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