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Hottie Report Card: Lacey Chabert

10.18.2013by: Salacious Crumb

Damn, you schmoes are really making it tough for me to keep the outcome of this column interesting. This is the third week in a row you guys have suggested a grand slam hottie, last week being the lushcious Amber Heard, and Gemma Arterton the week before. Now you've brought Lacey Chabert, the hottie of a thousand cartoon character voices, to my desk for judgement. I could simply ignore your requests and use this week's "report card" on some fugly chick like Bruce Jenner, but then we wouldn't get to bless our pupils with mesmerizing photos like this...

I may be putting my foot in my mouth here (wouldn't be the first time), but that's the grade my gut tells me to go with. It's obvious Chabert is gorgeous, and if you ran into her in person, your pants would melt and you'd probably be arrested. That said, Lacey's facey can strike me as a bit tomboy-ish at times, not that it's really a bad thing. Most of the characters she plays are the exact opposite, anyway. She is indeed like the girl in school you'd write a long, pathetic letter to in the hopes of getting laid.

The lack of images of Lacey's butt among the web is either some kind of government conspiracy or a cruel joke played by god. I don't know what the deal is with that, one would think she'd be proud to show it off on occasion. She's had plenty of opportunities to do so, most recently in her Maxim spread, although thankfully she didn't shy away from sharing her other splendid features...

Lacey has really done her homework in this subject, and she's truly deserving of that grade. In the most polite way possible, I've been a fan since she played an over-develpoed high schooler in both MEAN GIRLS and NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE. She was even cast as a Jennifer Love Hewitt lookalike in NATM, and she knocks J-Love's knockers right out of the park (and that's coming from a hardcore Hewitt-oholic). I look at the photos below and think "That's the woman who did the voice of Eliza Thornberry?... I'm scarred for life!" We all are.

Chabert has a sexy, defined body, and from what I gather, she always has. There are many considered "hotties" who possess curvy bodies, slim bodies and even average bodies. Lacey is very tone, with just enough muscle that it's visible through the skin, especially in the right lighting. Her belly alone is hotter than most Hooters waitresses in general. Another well-earned triumph.

Lacey's career is, like herself, a little laid back. She's a working actress, she has fans, and she still does some sexy magazine shoots every now and again. None of those things are bad, but it'd be nice to see her in something not so mediocre. To be fair, many of her films fly right over our heads, like THIRST, IN MY SLEEP and SLIGHTLY SINGLE IN L.A., which all sound like erotic thrillers to me. Are they? Is Blockbuster still around??

Not your typical MEAN GIRL, not mentally LOST IN SPACE (I'm so clever). In fact, Lacey's a pretty dern'd cool cat. She admits she was brought up with old-fashioned morals, which is extremely rare now (although she's probably not as clenched to her Bible as Claudia Salinger). We would all like to see her in some bigger roles, but that's probably not entirely her fault. Overall, I feel it's sensible to grant Lacey something in the "above 90%" isle, especially due to the biggest extra credit project of any hottie yet: doing a "Hottie Stop" interview with us! Cheers, Lacey!

Extra Tidbit: Thanks, Letsgotothemall, for this suggestion. How about a Halloween-related lady for next week?

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