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Hottie Report Card: Kristen Stewart

08.21.2015by: Salacious Crumb

Oh yeah, we're goin' there! I know, I know. Bringing up the name Kristen Stewart in this community is like bringing up the subject of race at a senior living home, in that there's a good chance a jello fight will break out. Of course, hype over Stewart has died down over the last couple of years, along with the TWILIGHT saga (can you say "good riddance"?). Now she's gone from choosing "Edward or Jacob" to making the even more frustrating decision between "Domino's or Pizza Hut" in AMERICAN ULTRA, in which she and Jesse Eisenberg play a couple of criminal stoners. (I don't know much more about the premise, and chances are the audience won't either, even after the credits start to roll.) Fair warning: I'm probably not going to slam Stewart as much as some of you might expect, although I will be as honest as one can be. If you find these professor's rankings to be absurd, feel free to display your own evaluations in the comments section (as well as whatever insults you feel obliged to throw in my direction). Well, let's get to it, shall we?

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm not going to dance around my pure belief that I've always found Kristen's face to be simply darling (just like a two-faced succubus would be, right? Mhmm, yeah...). Sure there's been talk in the past about alterations, and sure, it would definitely help if she didn't look constipated and/or strung out half of the time. That said, if a girl with a mug like Kristen's asked me to hold her coat, I'd use it to clean up my drool. She's undoubtedly a beautiful woman, and sometimes she's even willing to foster this quality by flashing us a smile when we're very, very lucky... whether she realizes it or not.

Consider me a fan of this femme's fanny. Kristen may not be breaking the necks of innocent bystanders whenever she exits a room, but I still feel credit is due here. If there's one thing I cannot tolerate in this subject it's lack of exposition (a.k.a. butt shots). Therefore, it warms my heart when a girl like Kristen actually shows a little ambition, however subtly it may be. A decent rear-end exposed is better than an arse of the gods hidden within the tombs of ignorance.

I'm sure there's more than a handful of TWILIGHT fans who want to dig their fangs into these funbags. They'd probably make for more of an afternoon snack than a full course dinner, but I certainly wouldn't turn down the offer. They may be vampire bites, but when Stewart puts in the elbow grease, she can present quite a lovely display. Also, as we discovered after the release of INTO THE WILD, Kristen looks surprising spectacular without a shirt or bra on. Who knew?

Despite the highly educated statements above, it's important to note that Kristen is a package. Not every hottie can be exclusively identified by a single major feature. Sometimes the ingredients just happen to match up the right way, and just like that, you have a porkable human being on your hands. You may disagree, but I believe Kristen is one of these human beings. That said, her figure is still pretty outstanding on its own. Some may consider her a little too thin at times, but hey, maybe that's just because she's hungry for your blood.

Now here's where it gets tough. Who am I to say that a woman in her twenties who's constantly being swarmed with screaming fans doesn't have a good career on track? Shit, the fact that one of her first gigs was David Fincher's PANIC ROOM is impressive enough. I suppose the slightly dipped grade is due to my qualms about (don't make me write it) that godforsaken TWILIGHT saga, which still stands as one of the most successful franchises of all time. Then again, it seems like ever since all the hoopla regarding SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN went down, Kristen's been M.I.A., or better yet, M.I.I.F. (Missing in Independent Features). Perhaps the reunion with her ADVENTURELAND co-star Jesse Eisenberg will help kick things back into gear.

Right off the bat, let me clarify, this ruling has jack squat to do with all the gold-coated gossip regarding Kristen's eventual and inevitable break-up with her Brit boyfriend Robert Pattinson. To even bring it up feels like I'm just spinning the wheels for some Hollywood Illuminati, part of which manufactures fake celebrity relationships. Besides, if we're going to hold personal things against movie stars forever, then we should really take another long look at Mark Walberg, along with hundreds of others. All this to say, let's not forget that some of us already found Kristen a little annoying even long before any of that shit came into play. Strictly speaking about her public persona, there's something about Kristen that just seems antisocial and borderline unfriendly, particularly with "regular folks" (that includes interviewers). What bugs me, personally, is she seems to have thought in the past that "effortlessness" simply means "not putting in the effort", not just to be outgoing, but to at least appear as if she feels lucky to be where she is. Fortunately, it does in fact appear that she may be getting out of her shell more, and if this movement continues, who knows? Maybe Kristen will transform herself into an "A" student quicker than I once thought.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Charlotte McKinney.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Alyssa Milano, Rhona Mitra, Natalie Martinez, Ashley Benson, Elizabeth Gillies, Odette Yustman.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.


Extra Tidbit: How do YOU rate this hottie, professor?
Source: MovieHotties


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