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Hottie Report Card: Khlo Kardashian

01.10.2014by: Salacious Crumb

After several weeks of handing out A's to some top-shelf hotties, I had an urge to put someone to the test who isn't a complete knockout. I even asked you schmoes to do me the honor of picking out such a celeb, but the only one to respond with a valid suggestion was americanmoviefan, who recommended Khloé Kardashian. I thought at least one person would drop the name "Lena Dunham", seeing how the new season of "Girls" premieres this weekend. Then I remembered that there's a whole society of Dunham enthusiasts foaming at the mouths, patiently waiting for someone like me to write something about her odd boobs. Frankly, I'm not in the mood for pitchforks and torches. If I'm going to make superficial, obscene judgements about someone, that someone had better be superficial and obscene, too. In other words, Khloé Kardashian it is!

I've always heard people refer to Khloe as "the ugly Kardashian" up until recently. Honestly, if I squinted my eyes looking at all 3 of them, I would only be able to identify Khloe because she's freakishly tall (not really, actually… She's 5'10"). There's a constantly-changing mixture of other celebrities mashed into Khloe's face. Here it's Kristie Alley meets Fergie, maybe? I'd still prefer Khloe's au naturel over some of the other Kardashian's pin-cushion cheeks.

We're all aware the women in Khloe's family are heavily endowed in the lower-back region. It's in their genes, or more specifically, their jeans. You may have even noticed Khloe's arse is slightly bigger than Kim's. It's definitely an attention-getter, but after your eyeballs have time to focus, it's not exaclty all that attractive. It's a little more humorous, especially with Khloe's tendency to flaunt her giant wedgie around in leggings for all to see.

I can honestly state that I've never once had a single thought about this Kardashian's little Khloe's. I could take 'em or leave 'em. Oddly enough, this warrants her the best grade on her report card.

I understand Khloe has gotten in significantly better shape over the last year, so I'll take this one easy on her. She's still no supermodel, and has a slightly-skewed skeletal structure, but she deserves some respect for the wieght-loss. Shedding a few pounds can be a rewarding accomplishment, especially when you're rich and don't have to. I'm going to cut myself off here, because I can't seem to stop writing mean things.

What career, right? Okay, some could make the argument that gliding through life leeching off of the hotness and success of your siblings is difficult task that requires a rare skill set. The thing is, shows like "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", "Khloé & Lamar" and "Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami" aren't just terrible programming, but they provided the leeway for other misguided morons to make television series about their lives. And then your peers (and my peers) spend hours upon hours stroking their egos while Khloe and her sisters suck their brains out with a slurpee straw.

None of the Kardashian sisters are known to be all too bright, deep, creative, or even conscious at all times. Somehow, Khloe has often found a way to appear as the ditzier one of the bunch, which is pretty remarkable considering who her co-stars are. Overall, Khloe is exactly the kind of person I'd hope to never be associated with or come within 50 yards of. All that said, she's still just a tad above Snooki.

Extra Tidbit: What grade do you give Khloe?


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