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Hottie Report Card: Kate Upton

04.25.2014by: Salacious Crumb

We all knew a report card for America's busiest model Kate Upton was coming eventually, and since she'll be supporting Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann in THE OTHER WOMAN this weekend, there's no better time than today. Now, I realize that just because Kate is one of the world's most known figures in the modeling industry today, she's not everyone's cup of tea, so I might as well start off by saying I'm a fan of Kate's. I'm not going to hide my true feelings because some people get more of a thrill out of poking fun at Upton than looking at her, which just seems nuts. In other words, there will be no fat shaming in this particular column, today. So, with my bias point of view set in mind, let's get down to studying every inch of this student body… with pictures!

If you highly disagree with this grade, you might as well leave this classroom now, because it doesn't get any better. You can go ahead and make the argument that Kate would be nothing without her giant boobs, but you don't wind up on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue 3 times in a row by looking like Elmer Fudd above the shoulders; I don't care how big your boobs are. While personally find her attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way, there's something about Kate's mug that just screams "kiss me". Or "bang the bejeezus out of me", I still haven't made up my mind.

Not the side of Kate that America was dying to see on the big screen in slow-motion, but then again, we won't turn our heads away when it happens. I've seen people comment on Kate having a "flat ass", but really, the only thing flat here is that assessment. I think Kate's got a wonderful derriere, and I'm perfectly fine with the way it is, thank you very much. It might not be the feature that sticks out most, but photographers have utilized her butt in magazine shoots many, many times, and that ain't because it's ugly.

What else did you expect? Despite our udder infatuation with bewbs as a species, it really is rare for a hottie's rack to overshadow all of her other features (and Manhattan, for that matter). Honestly, what can be said about this area on Kate that hasn't been daydreamed about by men everywhere. They're like two Cool-Aid dudes obnoxiously busting through a living room wall. "Oh yeah!!"

When it comes to those who deny Upton's radiant hotness, and while I grossly disagree with them, I can see some people might not find Kate particularly "fit". That said, to call her "fat" is just an early sign of dementia, and you should go see a doctor, like, right now. GO. To me, Kate has the torso of a regular, yet lovely woman. She looks soft in a way that makes me want to go sky-diving and land on her. Sure, her legs are a bit noodley, but that isn't a huge issue for most of us, and it certainly doesn't mean she's chubby. If so, well, then I guess that makes me a chubby chaser.

Modeling-wise, Kate Upton has gone above and beyond the boundaries of simply standing in front of a camera in a bikini. At 21-years-old, she's been on more magazine covers than most models will appear in magazines throughout their whole careers. She's one of the only models to have done shoots on all 7 continents. She's worn bikinis next to the penguins of Antarctica. Hell, she's even worn them in zero-gravity. Her career as a model has been wildly successful, and almost unbelievable in some cases. Acting-wise, Kate's career has been a giant pile of crap. It's a little tough to say whether or not Kate would be a tolerable dinner date, but then again, I'd probably be too distracted by the view, anyway.

From what I've seen, of course, Kate can come off as a little ditzy. I would have definitely cut her some slack if she'd gone to prom with that zit-faced teenager last year, but she was too busy doing that ridiculous Hot Pockets commercial with Snoop Dogg. All this to say, she does seem like a fun person to hang around. Sure, her life seems to be one big party, but she also works harder and keeps herself busier than most professional actors, even. Let's just hope she doesn't quit filling out those bikinis anytime soon.

Extra Tidbit: Do you agree with this grade? How would you have graded Kate?


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