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Hottie Report Card: Kate Beckinsale

08.28.2015by: Salacious Crumb

The general response to last week's report on vampire bait Kristen Stewart was a bit surprising, even enlightening. Not only did most of you schmoes happily accept her into the class, but some even started turning their pitchforks towards ol' Professor Crumb for being too harsh on the gal. Perhaps he was, so to counterbalance his shame and guilt, let's stroke his ego by doing another completely biased report card for another hottie who has a history with blood-suckers, Kate Beckinsale. Even someone as grossly cynical as he will have trouble picking out the flaws of a world renowned babezilla like Kate. Oh, but I'm sure he'll try... 

(We would've originally been reviewing Emma Watson this week, but unfortunately, her new film REGRESSION has moved its release date. Luckily, you can currently check out Kate in the Simon Pegg comedy ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING... but only if you happen to be in the UK. Keeping all the beautiful, brunette Brits to yourself, I see? Well played.)

With a career spanning two decades and change, we've watched Kate's noggin evolve every step of the way, and each step has been pretty impressive. To be honest, I prefer Kate now far more than Kate 20 years ago. Not that she wasn't beautiful then (and I'll still probably want her 20 years from now), but the idea that Kate is a mother to a 16-year-old is almost unfathomable. The way she's aging would put Benjamin Button in a fit of jealousy.

You can decide whether it was skillful presentation tactics or simple genetics, or both, but somewhere down the line Beckinsale's butt became one of the greats. One day there was no debate among moviegoers in regards to that fact, despite Kate not showing it off in photoshoots as much as one would think. When she does choose flaunt it, however, it's a universal treat for the eye. We might as well also acknowledge moments from WHITEOUT and the UNDERWORLD series, which ultimately became some of the most expertly-crafted arse shots in cinema history.

These two have been ogled by the public eye for a while now, although they rarely get the recognition or praise they deserve. Once again, this is another subject Kate has made nothing but progress on over time, whether those were her intentions or not. Motherhood most definitely kicked things up a notch, and her occasional low, low, low-cut dresses on the red carpet don't hurt. However, if you want to see Kate's tates in the flesh, you'll have to go back to 1995's HAUNTED, where she bears a striking resemblance to Phoebe Cates in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

Damn, it must be a tough day-to-day life for Len Wiseman. I mean, in every aspect except the bedroom, of course. If you're consistently being ambushed by flashing cameras while people shout trending questions at your spouse, you have no choice but to look as angry and intimidating as f*ck, which he does. Meanwhile, the spouse in question is spreading the word about her hourglass figure on magazine covers, and is then named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive 2012. Although I bet he gets a laugh or two whenever his wife causes some guy to walk into a brick wall.

The UNDERWORLD series alone has grossed nearly half a billion in the box office, and we all know who to thank for that... Shiny. Black. Latex. Catsuits. Yup, Beckinsale made more than the Lycans rise in those movies, and evidentally, she'll be back to do it again next year. Fake fangs aside, Kate has appeared in many projects, most of which were commercial successes (THE AVIATOR, PEARL HARBOR, SERENDIPITY, CLICK), but not all (VAN HELSING, VACANCY). Despite a busy line-up of work in 2015, it seems like Kate temporarily fled the scene after 2012. That's the last year we saw Kate in a big budget flop of a movie, though I can't totally recall what it was.

Hotties from the United Kingdom always leave me tempted to grant an automatic "A" in this subject, but I'll try to keep it fair. Besides, I couldn't possibly know how crazy/fiesty Kate can get when she's angry and behind close doors, but boy, would I. Sure, there have been a couple, completely reasonable cases of Kate filing complaints against Daily Mail for posting photos featuring her daughter. Then again, when she's out and about, by herself or with her (gulp) "hubby", she's nothing but smiles and laughs for the most part. She's got a pretty excellent sense of humor, joking about her latex-covered bottom and laughing at Seth Rogen's on-air display of sexual harrassment at the Golden Globes. Sometimes she's more work than play during interviews, especially if she's promoting something with minimal traction (STONEHEARST ASYLUM), but she always comes off as respectful and friendly. Here's wishing she'll follow Salma Hayek's footsteps and continue to spread her hotness throughout the remainder of her forties. Something tells me she will.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Charlotte McKinney.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Alyssa Milano, Rhona Mitra, Natalie Martinez, Ashley Benson, Elizabeth Gillies, Odette Yustman, Kristen Stewart.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: How do you grade this hottie, professor?
Source: MovieHotties

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