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Hottie Report Card: Jessica Chastain

01.02.2015by: Salacious Crumb

We are now officially facing a new year, along with high hopes and the aniticpation to make it a great one. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that it won't be A MOST VIOLENT YEAR, like the independant drama film that has received much critical praise. With "awards season" coming up, now's the time to begin any educational discussions over meaningful, meaty films. That said, today we're going to be discussing exactly how hot Jessica Chastain is, because that's the sort of thing we do around these parts.

The first time I remember laying eyes on Jessica was in THE HELP, and there was just something about that character that made me want to marry her on the spot. Surely, that was at least partially due to her luxurious, gorgeous mug. While speculation of her looks in this department may seem criminally underdiscussed, that's probably because there's not much to say other than "hot goodness gracious damn". 

Let me just make it clear right now, I'm a fan of this actress's fanny. Now, I know there are a lot of booty perfectionists out there, which is why I'm dialing this grade down just a tad. However, I swear to you, if you check out the movie JOLENE, you will never doubt the power of Jessica's daisy duke-clad butt ever again.

There should be no denial that Chastain's chest contains massive appeal, especially after multiple accounts of her having appeared topless. Even the poster for A MOST VIOLENT YEAR contains some significant cleavage from the gal, which should give that film an extra boost in the box office. The one thing Katherine Bigelow forgot to consider for ZERO DARK THIRTY. What a tragety.

Despite her extremely respectable body of work, Jessica has made plenty sure that her body itself gets the respect it deserves as well. The general public may not think too much about just how "in shape" Chastain is, but there's definitely an effort involved, which she attempts to assure us of whenever she's called for a photoshoot. The effort in itself makes Jessica worthy of a decent grade, but the overall awesomeness of her figure deserves an even "A", at the very least.

Chastain’s career may have been catapulted into full motion just over the last few years, specifically after her first Oscar nomination for THE HELP, but she’s been in the hearts of hottie lovers since her groundbreaking film debut in 2008 as the title character in JOLENE. Since that short time, she’s been recruited for such highly regarded flicks as THE TREE OF LIFE, LAWLESS, THE DEBT, ZERO DARK THIRTY, INTERSTELLAR and many other high-profile projects, including the upcoming CRIMSON PEAK. Add that filmography to her ongoing list of award wins and nominations, there’s really not a whole lot else I can say besides “Holy shit. Bravo!"

There's not a whole lot I can say about Chastain's personality for certain, but every director and actor who's ever worked with her seems to have considered a it pleasurable experience. Granted she's only been in the limelight for so long, the way she deals with the presumable stress that comes with becoming an instant celebrity is very respectable. Regardless of the tense subject matter and high profility of her roles, she seems very easygoing in interviews, even when discussing her work. She strikes me as a true professional in the acting biz, which is probably why so many directors seem to want to work with her. I'm giving Jessica an overall "A", because dammit, I just love me some redheaded hotness.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What grade would YOU give Jessica Chastain, professor?

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1:50PM on 01/08/2015
I remember thinking as I was watching MAMA, "This is a creepy movie and all, but all I can focus on are that chick's amazing tits!" At least an A for those boobs.
I remember thinking as I was watching MAMA, "This is a creepy movie and all, but all I can focus on are that chick's amazing tits!" At least an A for those boobs.
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+1
11:09PM on 01/06/2015

Look, I know you asked us to be nice.....

but what the hell were you smoking when you gave her a B- for boobs? Seriously, name me one thing wrong with them? You've given flat-chested actresses higher grades when they refuse to show skin, but Jessica has repeatedly shown those lovely mounds despite the fact that she's an A list actress.

Put the crackpipe down! She's A's all the way down the board.
but what the hell were you smoking when you gave her a B- for boobs? Seriously, name me one thing wrong with them? You've given flat-chested actresses higher grades when they refuse to show skin, but Jessica has repeatedly shown those lovely mounds despite the fact that she's an A list actress.

Put the crackpipe down! She's A's all the way down the board.
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1:17PM on 01/03/2015
In my top 5. Love her smile, talent and personality. People like her and Rachel McAdams breath of fresh air in a Kartrashian society.
In my top 5. Love her smile, talent and personality. People like her and Rachel McAdams breath of fresh air in a Kartrashian society.
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7:28AM on 01/03/2015
I've never understood the Jessica Chastain thing. She's got quite a hard face. Not really a fan of massive chin dimples, either.
I've never understood the Jessica Chastain thing. She's got quite a hard face. Not really a fan of massive chin dimples, either.
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1:15PM on 01/03/2015
Man card, hand it over please.
Man card, hand it over please.
+1
7:27AM on 01/03/2015
Beautiful and talented
Beautiful and talented
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11:41PM on 01/02/2015
She has such elegant beauty.
She has such elegant beauty.
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-6
10:04PM on 01/02/2015

Overrated

Face is a B- at best.
Face is a B- at best.
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10:34PM on 01/02/2015
You shut the front door. A face of a frickin' angel she's got.
You shut the front door. A face of a frickin' angel she's got.
11:41PM on 01/02/2015
Do us all a favor and go be an asshole somewhere else.
Do us all a favor and go be an asshole somewhere else.
7:29AM on 01/03/2015
Whiteknight4life doesn't like it if you say that a girl he likes isn't the prettiest little thing ever.
Whiteknight4life doesn't like it if you say that a girl he likes isn't the prettiest little thing ever.
1:18PM on 01/03/2015
Your man card. Hand it over please. Have fun with your Kartrashian whores.
Your man card. Hand it over please. Have fun with your Kartrashian whores.
2:51PM on 01/03/2015
I kinda agree with the B face. Maybe not B- but still I'm not a big fan of her facial look. She's not ugly for sure but it's definitely not the best part of her body. I also think she's a good actress but a little overrated too. I like Jessica but I don't love her if u know what I mean.
I kinda agree with the B face. Maybe not B- but still I'm not a big fan of her facial look. She's not ugly for sure but it's definitely not the best part of her body. I also think she's a good actress but a little overrated too. I like Jessica but I don't love her if u know what I mean.
5:36PM on 01/02/2015
A definite 'A' indeed. Great actress.
A definite 'A' indeed. Great actress.
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4:27PM on 01/02/2015
I bump that boobs grade up to an A. Jessica has a phenomenal body and is an outstanding actress as well. I think Scarlett might be the only one who can compare to her in both departments right now.
I bump that boobs grade up to an A. Jessica has a phenomenal body and is an outstanding actress as well. I think Scarlett might be the only one who can compare to her in both departments right now.
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11:12PM on 01/06/2015
She's a WAY better actress than Scarlett. I'm not even sure SJ can compare in the body department (unless you like your women a little chunky).
She's a WAY better actress than Scarlett. I'm not even sure SJ can compare in the body department (unless you like your women a little chunky).
+1
3:03PM on 01/02/2015

No-one can argue with the A

But what's with these boobs grades in these last few ratings?
What? No implants, No A grade?
But what's with these boobs grades in these last few ratings?
What? No implants, No A grade?
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3:17PM on 01/02/2015
I know. The way he writes about the sounds like they should be at least an A-. I've seen similar looking boobs get higher grades than this.
I know. The way he writes about the sounds like they should be at least an A-. I've seen similar looking boobs get higher grades than this.
2:05PM on 01/02/2015

Definite A. But only B- for her boobs?

After those remarks you give her? Doesn't make any sense. That has to be a mistake.
After those remarks you give her? Doesn't make any sense. That has to be a mistake.
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1:44PM on 01/02/2015

A+

Goddess...
Goddess...
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