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Hottie Report Card: Jessica Biel

11.18.2016by: Droz

Recent days have proven to the world just how well Jessica Biel has recovered from being impregnated. I'm sure we're all relieved to see it, considering how important her body has become over the years for many of us hottie fans. Legend is a heavy word to apply to anyone for any reason. However, for those of us who appreciate the butt, saying Jessica has a legendary ass is no exaggeration at all. But how does the rest of Jessica pan out in an overall sense? Let's give her the Report Card treatment and see if we can get everything sorted there.

Somewhere around 90% of the time I see Jessica, I find her just as stunning as any other popular Hollywood hottie. But then there is the other 10% of the time when I can't honestly say this. Now it's understood there are times when anyone, even the most beautiful among us, finds themselves off on their game in the looks department. Maybe they were just having a bad hair day, or feeling under the weather, or simply gone awry in some strange way. Lapses in beautification efforts are not at the root of my 10% issues with Jessica. She can be all up in her glamorous look, yet still look off to me. Then she can show up the next day looking amazing again. I have no explanation for this, but it does mess with me sometimes.

Thoughts about Jessica's boobs take me back to the controversial Gear magazine spread she did back when she was 17 and apparently looking to rebel from her Seventh Heaven, family values rep. She may consider doing this spread a mistake now, but all the barely effective hand bras she got up to there (sometimes finger bras) made it clear how bigger is not necessarily better when it comes to boobs. Subsequent years have only solidified my respect for her tear drop c-cups. These are what great breasts are all about and stand as perhaps the only other part of Jessica to compete with her ass.

I don't need to go on and on explaining why Jess gets an "A" here. It's understood. Her ass is glorious.

No doubt many Jessica fans were a little worried her desire to have Timberlake's baby might mean we never again got to admire the tighter than tight bod she had previously maintained for years. I wasn't too worried about this. She's given way too much time to having a rock hard bod to ever let it all go now over the rigors of motherhood. Nah, I predict Jessica will be super hot and built well into her elderly years. I fully expect to be anticipating new Biel bikini shots when I'm 70.

As good as so much of Jessica is on a visual level, the unfortunate nature of the universe demands there be a downside to her somewhere. For me, Jessica's downside are her career choices. For years now she's made more than her fair share of terrible movies. Sure, there were a few gems here and there and a few more qualifying as merely so-so. There are also great Jessica moments hidden within otherwise awful productions. Good, bad, or just okay, the collected body of Jessica's work wafts with a distinct air of mediocre. Too bad. You'd think they could do better by such a gorgeous woman.

I have no evidence to suggest Jessica is anything but a perfectly decent person. She's always put herself out there as any down to earth person would do when I've seen her in interviews and whatnot. I've not heard any scandalous rumors or bitter rebukes which might put her in a bad light. And even if her movies aren't so great, she usually comes across as likable in those where she's supposed to. If I have any criticism of Jessica at all here, it's her continued fixation on Timberlake. Maybe she sees a saintly side of him many of us miss. I don't know. Speaking as one who is in no way a fan of him, her persistence there does raise an eyebrow and forces me to take a neutral stance here.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Charlotte McKinney, Kate Beckinsale, Aly Michalka, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Morena Baccarin, Katy Perry, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff, Sara Jean Underwood, Emmy Rossum, Minka Kelly, Emma Stone.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Alyssa Milano, Rhona Mitra, Natalie Martinez, Ashley Benson, Elizabeth Gillies, Odette Yustman, Kristen Stewart, Alicia Vikander, Kate Bosworth, Juno Temple, Zooey Deschanel, Kirsten Dunst, Bella Thorne, Deborah Ann Woll, Daisy Ridley, Sophie Turner, Emily VanCamp, Selena Gomez, Sarah Silverman, Hailee Steinfeld, Katharine McPhee, Kate Hudson, Haley Bennett, Gal Gadot.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Source: Movie Hotties

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