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Hottie Report Card: Jessica Alba

05.29.2015by: Salacious Crumb

Can you believe we're nearing up to our 100th Hottie Report Card, and we still have yet to observe the student body of Jessica Alba? Okay, class, settle down. I know some schmoes out there claim to have grown tired of this hottie over the years, which if you ask me, is complete and utter claptrap! Rubbish! Balderdash, I say! Despite her disappearance from the scene a few years ago (mostly due to her kids), Alba made a furious comeback toward the beginning of last year, and has since been slipping into bikinis at a rapid pace. In the past year alone, Alba has been featured as the cover girl for Entertainment magazine, MaximGQ, CosmopolitanShapeWomen's Health, Latina MagazineGQ UK, Elle China, Glamour, Natural HealthRedbook, More, Good Housekeeping, Harper's Bazaar, US Weekly, Petra Magazine, Forbes and Cosmopolitan Turkey. That's a lot of stuck-together pages.

If you need yet another reason to accept Jessica as our hottie student this week, she can currently be seen in the teen spy-comedy BARELY LETHAL, and will also have an expected role in the ENTOURAGE movie set to release this coming Wednesday, June 3rd. Fair enough? Then without further adieu, let's ogle ourselves some pictures!

As I can only imagine is the case with many of you, I developed a crush on Jessica while breaking my way through puberty. While her excellent body most certainly had an influence on this, her face is what really made it for me. She really did strike me as a Dark Angel, a heavenly creature with some dirty tricks up her sleeve. Over time, naturally, Alba's mug has gone on to become synonymous with her public persona, which for some, isn't her most fantastic quality (we'll get to that in a bit). Despite this, I still personally find myself in awe of the mysterious sexiness laying above those shoulders.

If you're not a huge Alba fan, that's fine. I'll respect your kindly written, non-threatening opinion in the comments section below. However, to hold a grudge against the internet phenomenon that is her sublime buttocks is like slapping Jesus and Buddah in the face simultaneously. Time, time and time again, Jessica has proven to be the undefeated champion of bikini-clad butt pics. Some of us didn't know how to browse the internet until Alba's ass shots motivated them to go on the hunt for more. As they continued to add up (and still do), this holy grail of derrieres tip-toed past the definition of "flabbergasting" and straight on into "legendary". Legenderriere.

While the previous subject leaves no difficulty in identifying Alba's strengths, in my heart, this part of her anatomy comes as a close 2nd (and 3rd). As a professor, it's not typical for me to use words "gorgeous" or "elegent" when describing females' chestaculars. Jessica, on the other hand, is a perfect example for the exception. Truly, the only thing holding back from raising this grade is the fact that she's played a stripper twice, and we still haven't gotten to see these sugar dumplings in all their glory (and no, her "boob double" in THE SLEEPING DICTIONARY doesn't count).

As you've hopefully picked up by now, most of today's comments have revolved around where Alba currently stands on a grand scale of movie babes, and in my humble opinion, she still towers over most. That can especially be said for a subject such as this, as even after baring two children, Jessica's physique seems to have only gotten better over the years. Sure, you can pin that on photoshop if you so desire, but airbrushed or not, I can't imagine Alba being so willing to show off her bikini bod so much lately if she wasn't the least bit proud of it. Then again, she's recently revealed that she doesn't think she looks different than anyone else in a bikini. Sure, Jessica. Sure.

I can't be too hard on Jessica here, seeing how she's clearly a busy bee, consistently building onto her already well-grounded business empire. Aside from the extensive list of recent magazine appearances I mentioned in the opening paragraph, Alba has been taking on acting roles both big and small. From showcasing her arse in SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR, to playing it "edgy" in the indie comedy A.C.O.D., to making Tobey McGuire shoot webs in his pants on IFC's The Spoils of Babylon, Alba has kept her career going in an interesting direction. However, as to whether or not she's a talented actress, that subject is up for debate. That doesn't mean we haven't thoroughly enjoyed some of her work...

Most of what we know about Jessica is how she's portrayed in the land of Hollyweird, via magazines and interviews. Is she really as cool as she's portrayed in the Entourage series, lending her apartment to Vince and the gang just for the hell of it? I would like to hope so. The thing is, Jessica appears to be well on her way to become the next Gwyneth Paltrow in regards to being a universally hated celebrity. As she constantly puts her image out in the public eye, she seems to have gotten wrapped up in the idea of selling herself, leaving little room for important personally traits like self awareness or a "sense of humor". That said, these traits could trace back to her childhood, for all I know (she allegedly refused to call her teachers by their titles, then wound up graduating high school at 16). At least she's well-mannered, and more importantly, willing to show off her still schwing-tastic body. My hope is that she'll take me by surprise in this subject in a future semester, but until then, she's still a hottie.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.




Extra Tidbit: How would YOU rate this hottie, professor?
Source: MovieHotties


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