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Hottie Report Card: Jennifer Lopez

01.23.2015by: Salacious Crumb

As first, I was hesitant to dedicate one of these columns to Jennifer Lopez, someone who's been a member of the hottie universe for nearly two decades. Due to her many years of fame, she has a reputation which attracts massive amounts of both love and hate, and I didn't want to throw gasoline on that fire. Naturally, Jennifer sprang to mind when I saw that her dreadful-looking new movie THE BOY NEXT DOOR was being released this weekend. Hurrah! Still, I pulled back, and continued to seek out other relevant contenders, such as Olivia Munn, whom you can currently see in the comedic Johnny Depp vehicle MORTDECAI. That's when I realized I already did Munn last summer (if ya' know what I mean), making her co-star, the lovable Gwyneth Paltrow the next hottie in line... So, in other words, it looks like we're going with J-Lo for this week. But to make things a little more interesting, we're only featuring photos of Jennifer that were taken in the last year. That's fair, right? Let's start with this one...

Like most schmoes who hit puberty in the late '90's, Jennifer Lopez used to seem like a guardian angel to me, sent from the heavens to nurture my raging hormones. In those days, of course, she would probably receive A+'s all across the board from yours truly. Of course, I was just a young lad then, and times have certainly changed. I'm not saying she's had a bunch of cosmetic surgery, nor would I slam her for such a thing so long as doesn't resemble a Jim Henson muppet. That said, she's been labeled as a "diva" so long that her face seems to now be synonymous with the word. Whether that's fair or not, I'll have to let you decide.

As I've mentioned, J-Lo was present throughout basically my entire transformation into a man (more or less), and this was due in large part to the discovery of her famously delightful derriere. Her ass was the epiphanic boulder which obliterated my focus on Pokémon cards and blocked out all of my invisible friends. Who could ever forget this moment, or this one, or this one, or even this one? Not to mention this instant classic? Jenny easily owes 70% of her career to this feature, which she doesn't seem to deny in the video for her wildly successful single "Booty (feat. Iggy Azalea)". While all that booty-shaking madness may have been a decade late, J-Lo's behind is like Indiana Jones: The Ride. It may not be as new or exciting after 15 years, but it still holds up.

While Jennifer clearly shines her brightest in the previous category, let's not disregard her talents elsewhere. We got some decent glimpses of Lopez's prizes back in the olden days, when she didn't mind wearing see-thru sweaters, and she even gave us some shadowy nipple in U-TURN. These days, however, she's develpoed the skill of working them at red carpet events, like the Emmys or the Golden Globes. Her tits can't seem to go a year without causing some sort of controversy in the world of fashion, showing off giant cleavage that would make the likes of Jeremy Renner look like a perv. And yes, for some reason, I reward this type of behavior.

There doesn't seem to be much debate over whether or not J-pez has a killer body, something even the haters have to admit. Even being a 2-time MILF in her mid-forties, her figure maintains its position as one of the finest in the world of modern hit-makers. 2014 was an especially terrific year in terms of Jenn showing the world she's still got it. And with the skin-heavy photoshoots from Complex and Self magazine we've lately received from the lady, 2015 is shaping to be yet another.

In this scholar's opinion, all of the above points (and pictures) prove that Jennifer is still a high-flying hottie even by today's standards. Now comes the harsh part... It's not that she hasn't had a successful career in both music and movies. In fact, she's pretty much conquered both of those industries, not to mention a conglomerate other lucrative businesses operating under her name. Okay, so she's practically the hot female version of the Monopoly guy in terms of financial success. However, when it's the result of movies like THE BOY NEXT DOOR, THE BACK-UP PLAN and WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, you'd think there was some evil mastermind behind it all. As far as her music goes, it didn't used to bug me as much as others, but now it fits right into the mixture of sexually agressive sludge pounding into the empty heads of drunken club-hoppers. Her single "Booty", for example, is essentially a song about dry-humping a stranger at a party, although I'll admit there ain't nothin' wrong with that.

 Truth be told, Jenny from the block did make a lot happen for herself at a young age, practically starting out as a diamond in the rough in the eyes of Hollywood agencies. As they do, they took her by the hand and showed her the blueprints of their plans to make her so famous she'd become a Pepsi logo of a human being (again, this is all opinion). In other words, she probably has no recollection of what it's like to be a regular person, because she's been in the public for too long, and way too often. She probably rubs people the wrong way because, let's face it, she might as well be from outerspace. (Perhaps she's from Uranus? Please forgive me.) Plus we've seen her face on magazine after magazine, in grocery store after gorcery store over the span of two decades, so some are bound to get a little bit agitated by the mere idea of "J-Lo". That said, if there's any reason you particularly can't stand this woman, or love her, please state so now or forever hold your peace.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What grade would you give J-Lo, professor?


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