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Hottie Report Card: Jennifer Aniston

08.09.2013by: Salacious Crumb

We've been doing this "Hottie Report Card" thing for about a month now, and I'm still trying learn just how to go about using the "grading system" on hotties and certain parts of their anatomy, so bare with me. Some of you were upset by the grades received by British bombshell Alice Eve last week, which is understandable. Some also recommended we try out a hottie whose personality sticks out as a shining feature. After suddenly realizing the comedy WE'RE THE MILLERS comes out this friday (overshadowed, of course by Sharlo Copely's wicked beard), I realized its leading lady is just what this column needs. So let's put the spotlight on a hottie with more than the bare minimum amount of "flair", Jennifer Aniston.

I've always personally found Jennifer's face rather generic (please don't throw stuff at me). Sure, as far as attractiveness, she's the pick of the litter when it comes to the original "Friends" cast, but I've never found myself lost in her eyes or anything. That said, I've heard many people refer to her as "gorgeous" and "stunning" and such things as this. So either those people are slightly off, or I'm just a shallow asshole. I'd probably place my bets on the latter.

For the amount of times I could repeatedly watch Jennifer slapping her ass in that WE'RE THE MILLERS trailer, it seems wrong to send her off with an average grade in this subject, despite her butt being quite average in actuality. It doesn't look cottage-cheesy, but it doesn't look like she's smuggling two fine hams in her panties, either. Given her age, however, it's kept its stabilization rather impressively.  F*ck it, I'm giving that arse a "B", just for hanging in there like a champ.

So maybe Jenny's various see-thru wardrobes on "Friends" brought in an exponential amount of viewers back in the day, but how do they hold up now? Well, they may not be massive, but we don't need to click our heels to believe in their existence. I'm also taking into account that many of you schmoes dig smaller breasts, and stick with the "handful is enough" method, in which case Jennifer's bewbs are just about spot-on. Plus, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I haven't drooled over this image multiple times...

Considering she's 44-years-old and has proven to be fully capable of pulling off a bikini (not literally, unfortunately), it'd be rude to grant Aniston anything lower in this subject.  Not to mention her apparent comfort and total confidence in displaying her figure on the big screen, time and time again. Sure, her body isn't as tone as some 20-year-olds, but most young hotties will be lucky if they look half as good as Aniston come another 20 years. If you disagree, meet me out in the parking lot after 5th period.

I've never gotten into "Friends" and I don't plan on starting anytime soon. That said, I know that if there was one cast-member who blew up like the Death Star once the show finally wrapped, it's wasn't Lisa Kudrow. I feel Aniston has navigated her acting career extremely well, even if she's mainly known as the queen of comedy. She hasn't done anything mind-blowing since, let's say, THE LEPRECHAUN, but jumping from OFFICE SPACE to BRUCE ALMIGHTY to ALONG CAME POLLY to HORRIBLE BOSSES to WANDERLUST were all pretty smart moves on her part, if her plan was to be deemed "the queen of movie comedies" (let's just leave Adam Sandler out of this).

To me, there's nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to have a good time anywhere, no matter what curveballs are thrown her way. That's the kinda person Jennifer Aniston seems like to me. Of course, I could be wrong, and maybe she's a total bee with an itch, but from what I gather, that's not the case. She may enjoy a drink or two, or five, but that doesn't bother me so long as she isn't turning pedestrians into pancakes. She seems young at heart, although she doesn't live in the past. Fun and hardworking are a great combo, and something I believe most men strive to find in a lady.


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