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Hottie Report Card: Gemma Arterton

10.04.2013by: Salacious Crumb

Mornin', kiddos! RUNNER, RUNNER finally comes out today, and thanks to a few of the consistent schmoes on Movie Fan Central, this apparently means we must dedicate this next "report card" to uber-hottie Gemma Arterton. Not that I'm complaining. Hell, if I were really mentoring a classroom full of hotties, Gemma would probably be hated by everyone in class. She'd basically be the "teacher's pet", if you will, who leaves a fresh red apple on my desk everyday. Only in this case, the red apple is her blazing hotness and the desk is my dirty mind. Needless to say, you're all about to endure in what is likely the most biast "Hottie Repport Card" yet. So, as usual, feel free to leave your own personal grades for Ms. Arterton in the "drool back" section. And now, of course, on with the pics!

Gemma's mug has got all my requirements for a hottie. From the silky, flavorful brown hair, to the pouty lips, to the freckles splashed gently onto her nose. On top of it all, her face is unique, and beautiful at the same time. Remember the first time you saw a sun set? That's Gemma's face.

As tempted as I was to stamp an A+ onto Gemma's bum, I realize I've often been harsh on other celebrities when it comes to this subject. There may be some more shapely, curvy backsides out there, but I have no complaints about Arterton's arse. If you're not so convinced yourself, let me offer you a look at this GIF from TAMARA DREWE for speculation.

Anyone who's been delighted enough to witness Arterton's sex scene in THREE AND OUT knows her jubblies are even more impressive when frolicking through the open air. Not to mention, they often fill out all of her formal outfits, as well as her film wardrobe very nicely. There's really no reason necessary to defend Gemma when it comes to this subject. We all know how splendid her teacups are. But here's a picture, anyway, for scientific purposes.

I feel especially confident giving Gemma Arterton an "A" in the fitness category, simply for all the shit she took a few years back, when assclowns on the internet kept calling her "fat". Not only was that never the case, but now Gemma is in top shape, and could legally go door-to-door kicking all of those assclowns' asses, or taking the vigilante approach with a crossbow (you know, now that the government is shut down and all).

Gemma has been lucky enough to land some high-profile roles, all within the past 5 years. QUANTUM OF SOLACE, PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME and CLASH OF THE TITANS all made a combined effort to make us aware of Gemma's beauty, and on top of that, she's actually got some talent! By the way, if you're looking for something new to watch this Halloween, you could do worse than either BYZANTIUM or HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS.

There's just so much to adore about this woman, it's ridiculous (and like I said, unfair to the rest of the class). One thing there is to admire about Gemma, is she has come a long way from her roots. "My mother, she had a very good attitude toward money. I'm very grateful for the fact that we had to learn to save. I used to get like 50 pence a week, and I'd save it for like five months. And then I'd spend it on Christmas presents. I'd save up like eight pounds. It's nothing, but we did that."

Extra Tidbit: Which MACHETE KILLS hottie should we do next week?


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