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Hottie Report Card: Ellie Kemper

11.15.2013by: Salacious Crumb

So it seems there is one name that keeps popping up in the comments, and that name is Ellie Kemper for some reason (or perhaps none at all). I have no objection to the notion that Ms. Kemper is relevant in the Hottieverse, although I am bit more hesitant than the majority of schmoes who would apparently jump on that if their dog was on fire. Perhaps I'm just biased because, in my opinion, her character's storyline on "The Office" almost single-handedly ruined the show's final season (until Steve Carell saved it at the end). I also find it annoying that she has very, very few photoshoots out there, which makes my job here all the more difficult. Humbug. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Of course Ellie's cute, and there's something very neighborly about her right at first sight, but her face doesn't draw me in as much as other hotties. When she attempts to transform herself with make-up at red carpet events, it's usually way too obvious. She does have a killer smile, but if you've seen that slightly disturbing (yet funny) CollegeHumor video of Ellie talking dirty before giving a blow-jay, those chompers might just terrify you.

I'm not going to make a big fuss about what Ellie's got going on in the backyard, because frankly, there's not much to be said. It exists. It's pretty nice but not breathtaking. Looks like it could have some potential, and maybe we'll get a better look when Ellie gets herself to the beach or something soon. Until then, it's just about as exciting as a car in the mall with a giant sheet over it. Could it be a Ferrari or a Pontiac Aztek?

Ellie has been known to surprise me in this area from time to time, although she hasn't been known to reveal much skin. Being the cleavage connoisseur that I am, I wish she would start picking out some edgier outfits and keeping her Kempers more visible to the human eye. I'm doubtful that most fans of Ellie's are as helplessly obsessed with bosoms as I am, and she probably doesn't even think twice about it. Still, it would be nice of her to give us a reason to present her on MovieHotties more frequently... or at all.

Average to voluptuous women have always caught my eye. Skinny women are tough, because in the case of, oh I don't know, the Victoria's Secret angels, I can understand the appeal. In the case of Ellie Kemper, well, I see someone who could use a little more that a salted cracker for lunch. She's obviously not bad, but I would still take Pam Beasley any workday of the week between 9 and 5.

It's always nice to see someone go from making silly videos online to stepping into the big league, which is pretty much the gist of Ellie's career over the past half-decade. That said, she's 33-years-old, and needs to get the ball rolling if she wants to catch up with other funny chicks like Aubrey Plaza (29). Fortunately for her, she appears to be one of the next in line to climb up that Judd Apatow/Lorne Michaels latter and land a film of her own. For the sake of humanity, let's hope Mindy Kaling doesn't get there first.

Despite my shallow, meathead outlook on Ellie's physical appearance, she brings it all together here. Clearly she has a good sense of humor, and can behave like a dirty girl while looking like an innocent, goody-two-shoes. She hasn't quite knocked my socks off yet, but there is something about Kemper's all around dorkiness that's impossible to resist. I'll still keep my fingers crossed that she will begin to recognize her own hotness, and tries to expand on that. There's always next semester.

Extra Tidbit: How would you grade Ellie Kemper?


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