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Hottie Report Card: Danielle Harris

10.25.2013by: Salacious Crumb

The schmoes have spoken! When you were faced with the challenge of picking out a Halloween-related hottie for this week's "Hottie Report Card", it proved to not be much of a challenge at all. You made it clear that modern scream queen Danielle Harris, who also starred in the old and new HALLOWEEN franchise, was the right choice to go with. Coincidentally, Danielle shares several unusual similarities to last week's "Report Card" hottie, Lacey Chabert. For one, they're both ridiculously good-looking, they both worked as voice-actors on the Nickelodeon series "The Wild Thornberrys" (Danielle protrayed Debbie Thornberry), and like Chabert, Danielle was cool enough to do an interview with us on The Hottie Stop! All of this piled onto the sweet irony of you schmoes recommending these lovely ladies one week apart! So let's get down to bloody business, grab our tools and dissect this vixen of violence! This broad of brutality! This hottie... of horror!

It was this Cherie Roberts photoshoot when Danielle's face struck me has "sexy", but then again, I'd never seen her suck blood off of her finger in an ever-so suggestive manner. Her adorable childhood face from HALLOWEEN 4 & 5 has transmorphed over the years into sideshow of seduction. Danielle's face is so scrumdiddly-umptious-looking, I would eat if off like a rabid baboon and savor every last bite, bath salts or none. 

It takes a marvelous tookus to land an appropriate "A" for the "ass" category, Danielle certainly has her punches packed. Very shapely and defined, and its bark is stronger than its bite. She's proof that you don't need to be haulin' around a Kardashian booty to make an impression these days. Proof that size doesn't matter. If only that were true for, well, you know... bank accounts...

If Harris revealed her little Danielles to me in the dark of the woods just before I got decapitated by a hatchet, it would still be one of the greatest instances of my life. That said, it's not the part of Danielle's anatomy I'm drawn to first and foremost. Don't get me wrong, bewbs are bewbs, but hers are especially special because they come with the rest of the package.

Whether on purpose or by happy accident, Danielle's really nailed the science down as to what makes a body "sexy". She's found a rare balance that involves being in shape, but also voluptuous enough to maintain that curvy figure we lose our minds over. Really, there are plenty of women out there with similar figures, and it's about time we shared out appreciation, don't ya think?

Along with a well-deserved grade for their astonishing physiques, Danielle and Lacey also share the same grade in the "career" subject. Though it's only because they should both be getting much more attention. In her defense, Danielle has made her mark as a modern day "scream queen" (after all, she was practically a shoe-in for this "Halloween" themed column). With the HALLOWEEN films on her back, plus the HATCHET series, along with SHIVER, VICTIM, URBAN LEGEND, LEFT FOR DEAD, STAKE LAND, HALLOW'S EVE and obviously DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD, who's more deserving of the "scream queen" title than Danielle?

With a bone-chilling filmography and a body tattoo the size of a midget, you would think Danielle was one Wile E. Coyote, but in fact, she seems rather chill and laid back. For being covered in all that fake blood throughout her career, her interests are shockingly normal. She crushes on Joseph Gordon-Levitt and watches cooking networks and reality TV. It's actually almost frighteningly normal, almost as if she has a deep, dark secret. And we all know deep, dark secrets make people immensely sexier. Plus, she gets the extra credit of doing a Hottie Stop interview with us! Did I mention that already? Well, it's awesome. Cheers, Danielle!

Extra Tidbit: New feature: you can now see the full size of images by clicking on them. You're welcome.

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