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Hottie Report Card: Dakota Johnson

02.13.2015by: Salacious Crumb

Believe me or don't, but I don’t know a whole lot about FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, aside from what they gave away in the TV spots. Other than that, just about everyone I’ve asked (including women) has only discouraged me to dig any deeper. Frankly, I don’t know what cave these “die hard" fans of the E.L. James book have been crawling out of. If S&M had been this popular among young women when I was in high school, perhaps my senior prom night wouldn’t have ended in handcuffs (and not the good kind). Yes, it is a little discerning that the demographic for this obvious erotic novel come-to-life seems to be women ages 13 to 73. However, that’s what we get when we let gateway chick-porn like MAGIC MIKE and the TWILIGHT movies take the youth of the world by storm. I say let them have it, so long as the media promises not to go apeshit every time we get to see Alice Eve in her underwear for two split-seconds (I’m still not letting that one go). That brings us to this week’s hottie student, Dakota Johnson, not the object of every man’s desire, sure, but a movie hottie nonetheless. There’s a good chance she’ll be blowing up after this weekend, but where does she stand on the grand scale of hotties. Let’s observe, shall we?

As I just mentioned sentences ago, I would never discredit Dakota for being a “hottie”, a title she’s earned rightfully. That said, if she were to walk into a party with all of the other hotties I’ve graded, she’d be one of the most average-looking of the bunch. Mind you, this is probably precisely the reason (or at least one of the reasons) she was chosen for her role in FIFTY SHADES, in which I presume is supposed to represent the “everywoman”. All this to say, her mug isn’t smothered with flaws, and on certain days, she can make herself look very attractive.  

I wouldn’t say this is one of Dakota’s huge downfalls, it’s just that there’s not a whole lot to be celebrated here. I’m not even referring to the size or shape of her hindquarters, just the fact that the overall area is so normal. It’s like trying to get off looking at a painting on a hotel room wall, which believe me, is a tough thing to accomplish. Perhaps she’ll make me change my mind with a future photoshoot one day, but for now, I must grade honestly. Surely, however, audiences can expect to get an eyeful of Dakota’s south this weekend. With all of the spanking that’s supposedly involved, it may even be credited at the end of the film as “torture victim."

There’s nothing that makes me feel more helplessly jaded as a professor than having to write about boobs that don’t excite me. While they’re probably not on anyone’s list of “favorite Hollywood couples,” they’re not an absolute drag to look at, so I’ll try not to be too harsh. Not every hottie is blessed with mammaries that could cure world hunger, although in Dakota’s case, it wouldn’t hurt to have little extra baggage (and I do mean the good kind). More importantly, we just haven’t seen enough of them to have good judgement. Of course, this will most likely be yet another feature that gets some exposure on the big screen this weekend, but for now, I’m not as compelled to do backflips as I would be with other hotties.

Dakota isn’t too much different from the majority of hotties in regards to her physical education. Of course, this is a good thing, as it means most of us wouldn’t mind “accidentally” catching her in the shower. Sure, she’s probably not in the line of hotties being consider for future Marvel movie roles, but she’s slender, and not too much so. In fact, this may be the subject that single-handedly gives Dakota the pass as a “hottie”. Otherwise, she’d just look sort of like a sweet, adorable church girl… who likes to be bound and gagged.

While I haven’t seen FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, nor do I intend to, I have caught Dakota in THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT and THE SOCIAL NETWORK. Her parts in both of those films were rather small, which further perplexes me as to exactly how or why she’s set to become the next big thing. She’s an alright actress, as far as I can tell, but I’ll probably have to wait until she stars alongside Johnny Depp in BLACK MASS before I can make the proper judgement.

As the star of a film based on a popular book, which will most definitely be followed by many split-up sequels, Dakota has the opportunity to be a likable Kristen Stewart. This is a compliment, as I feel Dakota may just have the charm and charisma to pull it off. I’ve only seen her in a couple of interviews, so forgive me if I’m in the wrong here. Of course, Dakota’s somewhat new to the game, so she’s still got plenty of time to completely eft up her reputation. For now, the one and only thing that annoys the hell out of me is that damn tattoo she has on her foot (what is that thing supposed to be? It looks like a disease). At the end of the day, Dakota Johnson is a hottie, but she’ll need to start bringing her A game if she wants to keep up with the rest of the class.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What grade would YOU give Dakota, professor?


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