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Hottie Report Card: Christina Hendricks

04.10.2015by: Salacious Crumb

If you're keeping an eye out for pre-Summer blockbusters this weekend, it looks like their slim for the pickings at the moment, unless you want to watch FURIOUS 7 for the seventh time (something tells me that number is realistic). Otherwise, you can always check out Sir Ryan Gosling's directorial debut, LOST RIVER, a film which also features his DRIVE alumnus Christina Hendricks. However, I'd imagine those craving a Hendricks fix will just wait for the next episode of Mad Men, which is currently airing its final season. Speaking of the voluptuos redhead, it's come to my attention that Christina has yet to be "put to the test" in the Hottie Report Card column. Everyone knows she's a hottie, but where does she place on the grand scale of gorgeous actresses? Let's discuss this and more as we ogle pictures of the lady. Glorious, glorious pictures!

If you've paid any attention to news regarding LOST RIVER, you know it's been garnering up some attention due to a scene where Christina peels her own face off. Having no idea what the subtext of that scenario may be, I would consider this action a crime against humanity. Okay, so it's a given that just about anyone who initially lays eyes on Christina probably has a hard time directing their attention to this area, but there's lots to be loved here. Even after setting aside her features below the waste, I find this ginger (although natural blonde) to be pretty effing gorgeous. Some of the more picky schmoes may find Christina's slightly lazy eye a bit distracting, but like to think of it like she's always half-focused on her own cleavage.

Of course, when it comes to Hendricks's hourglass figure, the bottom half is sadly neglected by most hottie lovers. That said, I think it's a given that the measurements of her waste only compliment her measurements elsewhere. In fact, the only thing keeping me from raising this grade higher is the lack of butt shots in various photoshoots. I figured it's only fair, considering I gave last week's hottie Jordana Brewster the same grade for similar reasons. In other words, Christina literally needs to get her butt out there. In the meantime, however, big booty connoisseurs can always use this clip from Mad Men as a blanket of comfort.

Even the naysayers shouldn’t be surprised by this outcome, as these are Christina's two most prominent co-stars we're talking about here. I don’t even need to give you any visual examples, like this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one. Heck, not even this one (I enjoy that one). To share so many links would be excessive and time-consuming. Sincerely, though, it must be tough going through life when every dude who looks in your direction mentally jumps to their most primitive impulses. Because let's face it, Christina's bewbs would be impossible to ignore from outerspace. They're like two obnoxious elephants in the room. Rumor has it, occasionally Christina rents out the space between her cleavage to families in need. I would say God bless her, but it looks like he already has.

I can already hear the simultaneous gasps from all those who accuse Hendricks of being overweight (even though I brought her grade down a notch to avoid an even bigger riot). One shouldn’t listen to the fat-shamers, not just because they’re one haircut away from being the nazis of the 21st century, but also because most guys I know would have zero hesitation to jump in the sack with Hendricks. Personally, I’d be more than honored to have those bodacious curves to wrap my arms around, but hey, that’s just me. There are even pictures of her with a thinner frame back in the day, and in my opinion, she looks much better now. Hopefully, when the rapture happens, the only schmoes left on Earth will be Christina, yours truly and all those dudes who claim they never found her attractive.

One can only say so much about Hendrick's career, because it's only gone so far. That's not to say she hasn't been successful, however, with her five Emmy nominations for her work on Mad Men. She's also received two Critic's Choice Awards for her work on the series (gee, I wonder why?). Still, none of that holds a candle to her SyFy Award for her role on Firefly. Considering how easily she could've become Donald Trump's mistress or something, she's made quite a name for herself as an actress with some actual talent. I also admire that, even at the height of her success, she's still seeking out bizarre and intersting roles like that of hers in LOST RIVER. There's no doubt that Christina's dangerous curves have a part in moving her career forward, but behind those sweater puppets is a heart filled with passion and the desire to be different.

Opinions may vary, but from what I've seen over the years, I absolutely adore Hendricks as a person. She's jumped several hurdles to get where she is, sexy and she knows it, she drinks bourbon and has a hell of a good time when and wherever there's one to be had. Instead of aiming her titanic tits at the likes of Gosling and his greased-up abs, she opted to marry Geoffrey Arend, the guy who ate all the shrooms in SUPER TROOPERS. While I haven't seen a ton of interviews with Christina, something about her candid photos just tells me she's a down-to-earth hottie who likes to laugh. Of course, we could never know exactly how a hottie behaves behind closed doors, but let's just assume the hourglass is always half full with this one.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana, Rosario DawsonOlga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What would YOU grade this hottie, professor?


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