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Hottie Report Card: Charlotte McKinney

07.17.2015by: Salacious Crumb

The world's most unnecessary sequel to the world's most unnecessary movie, JOE DIRT 2: BEAUTIFUL LOSER is finally seeing the light of day. Generally speaking, there'd be no good reason to bring it up, but the Crackle-sponsored flick just so happens to feauture Charlotte McCkinney as a sexy lumberjack. Not since the golden era of Monty Python have the words "sexy" and "lumberjack" been allowed in same conversation, let alone the same sentence, but that's neither here nor there. Today the important thing for us to ponder is this: where does Charlotte stand on a grand scale of hotties? While I know she's a relatively new student, I would also bet some of you have been waiting for us to finally get around to throwing Charlotte in the chair of judgement. So without further adieu, let's put on our ogling caps and study this student's body...

We bring fresh new blood into the classroom every week, but Charlotte's is one of the few (if any) that can truly be described as "fresh" and "new". Not that most of us needed any convincing otherwise, but Char's noggin plays a much bigger role in her overall hotness than even she probably realizes. This early in her streak of fame, there's no helping the constant mashing-up of other hotties that might make Charlotte (I personally get a mixture of Kate Upton and Lauren Graham). Taunting eyes, luscious lips and seemingly well-practiced, Disney-like expressions. While I've heard some haters claim she looks too "boyish", others may translate that word into "tomboy hellcat vixen", but perhaps that's just me.

Typically, an issue I have as a professor which continues on to this day is the lack of "over the shoulder" shots from hotties who should be taking advantage of such a splendid pose. 'Course, Charlotte has the upper-hand here, seeing how she's a notorious bikini model, so I suppose the real question is whether or not it's a sight for sore eyes. Once again, I don't think there's any confusion on that part, minus those who just can't seem to stand Charlotte for some reason. Not to mention, when it comes to candid daisy dukes and bikini appearances, she's completed her homework. Sesame seeds, anyone?

What animal noises could I possibly make in regards to McKinney's reknowned rack that hasn't already been hooted or hollared by every critter or beast known to man? I know may seem like a cliché or whatever to give the blonde with the huge boobs a solid 'A+', but these aren't just career-builders we're talking about here, these are career supporters. If that weren't enough, Charlotte's always been 100% self-aware of the outrageous scenery under her chin, and she's clearly made the best of it.

I suppose the immediate fact that Charlotte's a bikini model doesn't leave a whole lot of room for debate, although I'm sure there are plenty who would object to her narrow waiste and hips that curve like coastal norths. She might not be an American Gladiator, but with her height advantage, she would likely pass as an Amazon Woman on the Moon with ease. All in all, she's basically become the new shining example of the "blonde bombshell". Apparently those Most American thickburgers can do a body good.

I don't have to convey to you that anyone involved with JOE DIRT 2 isn't likely to heading down a steady track (Christopher Walk-who?). But consider this: this time last year, just about nobody even had a clue who McKinney was. She blew up bigger and faster than Upton, mostly by proving Carl's Jr./Hardee's ads can still be the stirrer of controversy. Long after being kicked off of "Dancing with the Stars", Charlotte still managed to keep herself in the limelight because she's viagra for ratings. Does this mean her career's off to a great start? Well, not really, and we could very well be nearing to the end of her 15-minutes-of-fame. However, I'm clicking my heels together in the hopes that the BAYWATCH movie gets revived.

If I were to guess, much of the separation between Charlotte's fans and dismissers lies within this category. I'm aware of the momentary drama on "Dancing with the Stars" where tears were supposedly sprinting out of her eye sockets, but hey, that's reality television for ya'. Despite being new to the game, Charlotte seems to have picked up on the rules rather quickly. As I stated previously, I can't help but admire her clear awareness of who she is and what she does, describing her own public image as "a curvier bombshell with big boobs." You see? Honesty. That's the key, folks. To be honest with yourself is to... to... Wait, what were we just discussing?

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Alyssa Milano, Rhona Mitra, Natalie Martinez.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What do YOU grade this hottie, professor?
Source: MovieHotties

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5:04AM on 07/18/2015

A

Yes she's so ugly, what a mess of a girl! (kiddin)
Yes she's so ugly, what a mess of a girl! (kiddin)
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2:23AM on 07/18/2015
gross fail in all areas!
gross fail in all areas!
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+0
4:47PM on 07/17/2015

If she's an A

Then Courtney Stodden is as well. Sorry, not a fan of mediocre looking women with lots of plastic enhancements.
Then Courtney Stodden is as well. Sorry, not a fan of mediocre looking women with lots of plastic enhancements.
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3:55PM on 07/17/2015
Gets an 'A' from me. And detention for smokin'. ;)
Gets an 'A' from me. And detention for smokin'. ;)
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-1
10:32AM on 07/17/2015

C at best

Has nothing going for her besides the rack!
Has nothing going for her besides the rack!
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3:40PM on 07/17/2015
You just described Kate Upton.
You just described Kate Upton.
4:46PM on 07/17/2015
Kate Upton is cuter, funnier, and her rack is her own, not softballs sewn into her chest.

Sleeper's right, she's adequate at best.
Kate Upton is cuter, funnier, and her rack is her own, not softballs sewn into her chest.

Sleeper's right, she's adequate at best.
8:07PM on 07/17/2015
Kate Upton is definitely not cuter.
Kate Upton is definitely not cuter.
5:03AM on 07/18/2015
Ya guys are definitely blind.
Ya guys are definitely blind.
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