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Hottie Report Card: Amber Heard

10.11.2013by: Salacious Crumb

When we asked you schmoes to pick a MACHETE KILLS hottie for this week's "Report Card", to my surprise, the votes all pointed toward the delectably attractive Amber Heard, pretty much unanimously. Does this mirage-like specimen really even need grading? Of course not, everyone knows all the boys love Mandy Lane! Could it be that you schmoes simply want to ogle some pictures of Heard, because she's been somewhat M.I.A. and your withdrawals are so vigorous you're thinking of going back to the pipe? Sounds reasonable enough to me. In that case, let's get to it!

Amber has the face of an angel. She's like the kind of nurse you'd wake up to coming out of a coma that would make you involuntarily (and stupidly) mutter the words "Am I in heaven?". My only criticism is sometimes, just sometimes, she'll overdo it with the make-up, like an angry teenager with a blank canvas and a bucket of paint. C'mon, Amber! It's not like you look like Sloth underneath the excessive eyeshadow.

In case you haven't picked up on it, I can be a bit harsh, even cruel at times, when it comes to this (obviously) very important subject. However, Amber has put her backside to work in multiple photoshoots, red carpet appearances, and unprecedented scary movie underwear scenes, enough so to warrant her butt at least an "A-".  Remember, this subject isn't all about shapeliness (which Amber most certainly has), the grading is also based on presentation...

Sometimes it's easy to forget just how splendid a pair of muffin-mountains are possessed by Heard. The first time they "stuck out" to me, so to speak, was in the movie ZOMBIELAND, strangely enough. Even as a bloody-face, dead-eyed, foaming-out-the-mouth zombie, I would've gladly offered that undead hottie some Code Red Mountain Dew if it presented me with the opportunity to cop a feel. I know I'm a sicko, just deal with it.

So she probably wouldn't be appearing on "Celebrity American Gladiators" anytime soon, but she's definitely the proud owner of a lady's body. From what I know, most dudes don't measure the quality of a woman's physique by how much she can bench press. Generally, and honestly, I prefer gals whose bodies are a tad more "defined" or "tone", but Amber makes hers work in a very classy, Marilyn Monroe type of way (yes, that is a huge compliment).

Amber's had the opportunity to work alongside so-called "geniuses" like Johnny Depp (THE RUM DIARIES), Mickey Rourke (THE INFORMERS) and Nicholas Cage (DRIVE ANGRY 3-D). Unfortunately, she didn't work with them on the most greatly-received projects of those genius's careers. Still, there must be some reason (other than her beauty) that attracts Hollywood's head honchos enough to keep bringing her name up at meetings. I wouldn't doubt it's just because she's a pretty talented actress who shows up on time, and enjoys keeping herself busy, even to the point of exhaustion. She's a bit like Kristen Stewart, if she had blonde hair and wasn't constipated all the time.

We've seen her at Katy Perry's Jammin' Roller Party, texting in the corner. We've seen her at the Comic-Con panels, twiddling her thumbs, hoping not to get called on. It's cool, you don't need to be the life of the party to be sexy. Sometimes keeping things low-key is the best way to go, as Amber discovered herself before all that "Johnny Depp" drama got too out of control. She's the one who decided to "cool it" with the PDA regarding Captain Jack Sparrow, which many women her age or younger couldn't even fathom. She's also a horror fan, and once called the genre the "tequila of the film industry", which is pretty dern'd cool. What's that? She's bi-sexual, too? Giggity.

Extra Tidbit: What do YOU grade this hottie?

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