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Hottie Report Card: Alyssa Milano

06.27.2015by: Salacious Crumb

With exciting programs like "True Detective" and "Under the Dome" coming back into circulation, the industry of television has us hanging by our feet just as much as movies this Summer. Of course, in the midst of much-needed new seasons of shows like "Devious Maids" and "The Bachelorette", you can also catch new episodes of "Mistresses" (just another series that'd make Olive Shreiner proud), which stars a hottie whom some may consider historical herself: Alyssa Milano. Now, some may find it a little "unfair" to put a hottie who's (barely) into her forties on a scale that also ranks girls in their twenties, but Sandra Bullock and Salma Hayek were our first 2 students, and both passed with flying colors. It seems only fair that we allow Milano to join the party, doesn't it? After all, she's the boss! 

Most schmoes probably remember the first time they were introduced to Milano's hotness, but given her busy start as an actress, it could've some from many sources. The most common one was probably her television debut in "Who's the Boss?", or if you're not a big couch potato, you may have first seen her nekked and short hair-cutted in EMBRACE THE VAMPIRE. For me, it was the music video "Josie" by the legendary Satanic worship band Blink 182, and I've been in love ever since. While some may argue "But she's changed sooo much since then" (she hasn't), she's still maintained the ability to look cute, sexy, gorgeous, serious, goofy and sometimes just damned delicious whenever needed.

She didn't get hired to design and model her own denim jeans for no reason, and her brand name is Touch is perhaps the greatest marketing strategy/tease ever. Aside from that, we don't get a great look at Alyssa's bottom all too often, with the exception of some profile shots on the red carpet, which I honestly find to be half-assed (pun intended). That said, there's been a fair share of movie moments that made these cheeks shine bright like Neil Diamond, like this shot from DOUBLE DRAGON, as well as others. While I wouldn't consider Alyssa's arse her absolute greatest quality, it's definitely held up over the years (pun intended again, of course).

I know, I know, she got breast implants at a fairly young age. Big whoop. I'd like to get on my high horse and pretend that this bothers me, but it honestly doesn't. Milano's melons have always looked superb, and more importantly, she's met just about every requirement in the book to earn a decent grade here. Topless scenes on film? Check. Cleavage presentation skills? Check. Candid self-awareness? Check. Hand-bra extraordinaire? Check. The list goes on and on, but the worldwide fandom of Alyssa's rack shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, especially her.

In many cases, when a celebrity puts on a few pounds after squeezing out a couple of infants, but that doesn't appear to be the case with Alyssa. Many schmoes have agreed that motherhood looks extremely good on her, bringing more attention to her naturally curvy body structure. And that's just the recent Milano. Everyone knows she has at least two decades on her resume of being one of the most fit women ever to stir a cauldron on television, and anyone who denies that is a damned fool. Even her silhouette is considered spank bank material, and her recent appearance in Maxim magazine proved to be just as drool-worthy as her previous ones.

Although she's been around for quite some time, Milano never broke past serving as yummy eye-candy for audiences or anyone who actually watched "Charmed" with the sound on. Of course, who's to say her goal was ever to become a great actress anyway? She seems to be perfectly content where she is now: on a show that involves affairs, sex scandals, secrecy, affairs and sex scandals. That's perfectly fine by me, as I'm just glad to see Alyssa still being naughty on television. Hopefully she doesn't pull a Jennifer Love Hewitt, though, retiring her lingerie and cleavage dresses for slacks and a blazer on "Criminal Minds". For shame!

My feelings regarding Milano's personality are sorta mixed. On one hand, I absolutely adore her for being herself, knowing her fans and being a pretty awesome, attentive mom to boot. On the other, she has also become one of those preachy celebrities who guilt-trips AMC theater-goers into donating money to this or that foundation (and dammit if it doesn't work every time). "Salacious, are you seriously getting pissed at Alyssa for dedicating her time to a valuable cause?"... Yes, because I'm a terrible person. All this to say, when it really comes down to it, I would take up the opportunity to hang out with this hottie in a heartbeat. I just wouldn't know where to look.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia Munn, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Olga Kurylenko, Olivia Wilde, Kaley Cuoco, Hayley Atwell, Lauren Cohan, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Victoria Justice, Maria Menounos, Mila Kunis, Rosamund Pike, Margot Robbie, Nina Agdal, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Hendricks, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox, Aubrey Plaza, Emily Ratajkowski, Michelle Monaghan, Adrianne Palicki, Nicole Kidman, Kat Dennings, Keira Knightley, Allison Williams, Jena Malone, Rose Byrne, Maggie Grace, Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, Jordana Brewster, Felicity Jones, Blake Liveley, Elizabeth Olsen, Reese Witherspoon, Brittany Snow, Jennette McCurdy, Ronda Rousey, Bryce Dallas Howard.

"C" Students: Kristen Wiig, Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.


Source: MovieHotties


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