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Hottie Report Card: Alice Eve

08.02.2013by: Salacious Crumb

The Hottie Report Card is an idea meant to revive some of that old-school "Movie Hotties" magic, and spur innocent, light-hearted discussion over what makes a "hottie". It's also a way to reanimate the concept of "The Body Shop" from back in the day, but mainly just another fun column with many pictures involved. I'm unsure as to how you schmoes will feel about the way I've graded this week's actress, Alice Eve, because she made a somewhat rocky entrance into the Hottieverse. Then again, I guess that's what will make this interesting. So let's grab that pen and paper and examine the details of a hottie recommended last week by MFC user dseal22, the whimsical Alice Eve.

I must admit, I was a bit of a skeptic before considering Eve to be a full-fledged movie hottie back when Hollywood insisted upon us that she was a "10" in SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE. I don't like being told what to think, and I certainly didn't consider her a solid "10" at first sight. This is most likely because of her face, which struck me as more of a good face for a super-villain than a drop-dead gorgeous love interest for nerds to lust over. But over time, Alice's mug has grown on me like an acquired taste for wasabi, or crystal meth. Plus, knowing Alice has heterochromia, giving her mismatched eyes (a groovy mutation), makes her look uniquely attractive enough to reward her with a solid "B" in this subject.

This is somewhat of a tough call, as Alice rarely attempts to grab attention with her rear-end as much as she does with, *cough*, other things. After some extensive research, I discovered there may be a reason for that. The reason being, well, Alice's backside is really nothing to write your family and friends about from space camp. If you've ever taken a glance at her bikini photos, I imagine you'd feel the same way. That's not to say she isn't in shape, nor does she look like a beached whale from behind. But on a scale of hottie rumps that range from "Yikes!" to "KAPOW!", Alice's ass lands on a Larry David-delivered "Ehh… Okay".

If you think I've been grading Alice a little too harshly, please take note that I admit my own utter defeat in speech and a loss for words when it comes to her hypnotic bewbs. It's no secret to visitors of this site that British gals carry some of the best ta-tas, but Eve is a true testament to that theory. Alice seems perfectly at ease sharing her global warmers with the world, whether on film or on camera, which certainly doesn't hurt her grade in this subject one iota. I'd feel as prideful as Edmund Hillary reaching the top of those mountains of madness.        


After seeing her naughty bits in the 2009 flop CROSSING OVER, and for a split second in her underwear in STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS, I'm entirely convinced that Alice is the owner of a killer body that exists solely to be on the big screen. She really does take great care of her physique, and seems to progressively be getting in better shape with each proceeding role. But could that be due to her roles being more focused on looks than character? Well… yeah, a little bit...

For an actress who seems to have range up the wazoo (figuratively speaking, of course), it sucks that we have yet to see Alice really dig her nails into acting and expose the true talent that lies within. I believe it's there, but Alice pretty much launched her career as "that incredibly hot girl in SHE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE/SEX AND THE CITY 2/MEN IN BLACK 3/STAR TREK 2/etc.", and found herself lost in typecast, hottie limbo. Don't get me wrong, she makes for great huge-budget movie sequel eye-candy, but I can't help but feel she's being underutilized. Maybe things will turn around with the release of the crime-thriller COLD COMES THE NIGHT later this year.

This is another toughy, and I'd really like to hear you guys's "grades" for Alice in this particular subject. I know very little about Eve's personality, other than the occasions in which I've seen her handle some awkward interviews with grace and politeness. She's seemingly very charismatic, and most definitely charming, but hasn't really pushed the boundaries of conversation or made me laugh as much as some other hotties. That said, there's no doubt in my mind that I would cut off a limb to have dinner with her, and the fact that she can actually act is a big plus. Still, I'm giving Alice a "B+" in this subject just because I believe there's some room for improvement. What do you think?

Extra Tidbit: Which celebrity/actress do you think should be put up to the test next?


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